My Time Has Come?

Okay, so I am approximately a week away from receiving the biggest news of my life (again) and unfortunately, I am on pins and needles.
After receiving my MPRE score from the July 2008 administration and my bar scores, I remarked via my facebook status that I was not going to beg the bar examiners for 14 points or ACT for 1 that I was just going to take them. So I approached both exams with a renewed fervor and my desire to succeed paid off with the March 2009 administration of the MPRE as I bested the score I was shooting for by 25 points. Usually, when one gets those types of "signs" their confidence level usually increases tremendously. However, the thing with me is that law school, its exams, and my attempts to become a licensed attorney, have taught me that despite my firm belief that God only answers the prayers of those who do the initial leg work before putting it all in His hands. The past year has humbled me into realizing that HIS will, not mine, will be done. The only problem is in the acceptance portion when the desires of one superseed the expectations of the other and vice versa.

I will not say that I wasn't prepared in July, I just have come to terms with the fact that it simply wasn't my time. Now, i'm faced with the daunting task of waiting to make my next move. And that's the worst part of attempting to gain certification in the legal profession, the wait. I cannot and will not question the will of my father, but I believe that I am ready. I have obtained the education, engaged in the preparation, and did my best on the bar exam. Furthermore, it seems as though everything is falling into place. I've passed the MPRE after 4 attempts, I've succeeded in gaining temporary employment in order to pay my bills, I have a strong possibility that I will be working with people that I trust, doing something I enjoy, and following a plan that I totally agree with, and most importantly my demeanor has been more upbeat lately. I wouldn't quite say that I have reached the plateau of happiness that I am searrching for, but I am damn close.

So if not now, then when? I have had conversations with friends, associates, frat brothers, and random people that I have met where they all express confidence in my abilities in knowing that I have passed this time around but I wonder why I can't feel the same way. As opposed to how I felt in october of last year, I will not say that I think I failed because I honestly do not believe that I did, but that damn "what if" has managed to creep into my thoughts yet again. What if I didn't pass? What if folks were only telling me that they believed in me because it was the right thing to do, not because they genuinely felt in such a manner? What if I have to move back home? What if? WHAT IF?

So i'm saying this now on April 24th, I believe that this is my time, my chance, and I intend to make the most of it. I have done all I could and will accept whatever comes my way the same as always, but it's in God's hands now and I'm okay with that!

I GOT IT

Its truly amazing how and when things dawn upon you. I have said that I despise living in Houston because of the fakeness of its natives and how they have collectively thrown me into the category of a “typical” New Orleanian. Although I will admit that a lot of my mannerisms, speech patterns, and thoughts are exclusively New Orleans, an overwhelming amount of people in the Houston metropolitan area still manage to believe that such characteristics are less than desirable and I have allowed them to sway my opinion of myself. Well, the past two weeks have allowed me to gain a better understanding of my life in Houston and I think I have it figured out.

To those of you who have read my recent blog postings where I went Kimbo Slice on all of my achievements and personality and extended a phone call, text message, or just stopped me in person to check on me and make sure I was okay, thank you, I am thankful to have you all as friends. The kind words of encouragement and just concern for my well being meant a lot to me and even came from some sources that I would never have expected. Such random acts of kindness coupled with the message I got in church this past Sunday have led me to believe that after 25 years and some change, I’m finally starting to figure parts of this thing called life out.

This Sunday found me in church, a place that I’ll admit I attend more on occasion as opposed to the frequency of my youth or last year in undergrad, but the priest at ST. Mary’s gave a Homily that was right on time and did not fall of deaf ears. Father talked of a conversation he had with one of his seminary classmates in which the classmate inquired as to God’s method of answering prayers. The classmate stated that he asked for wisdom and God gave him more problems to solve, he asked for understanding, and found himself with people who were hard to deal with. Such a statement profoundly affected me because I thought I was the only one who was bewildered by the direct opposites that have come from my own requests.

I’ve asked God for wisdom in my studies and my last two times sitting for the MPRE and the only sitting of the Texas Bar left me with results that were less than desired. I have asked for love and have received more platonic friendships with the opposite sex than I thought were possible. My desire for greatness has left me feeling unfulfilled with my apparent failures, and the search for independence may have me living back with my parents before the end of 2008. Such responses have managed to frustrate the same man who wants to tattoo the phrase “adversity causes some men to break, others to break records” across his back. This same man who regards the 10 and a half weeks of hell on the journey to Phi Nu Pi as what made a man of him at 19 was confused by encountering a series of minor setbacks that were in fact the answers to his prayers.
To my friends who have been concerned with my stability or apparent lack thereof, please don’t worry about me, that’s just my inner spoiled brat coming out and not being accustomed to encountering rejection. I’ve realized this past Sunday that I’m not a failure and that my prayers are definitely being answered. So as I go back to hiding under a rock in preparation for the February bar, pray for me with the same fervor you did in July, this time I’m bringing it home!

Konfessions...

I honestly don't think I passed the bar. There, I said it. My blogs usually serve to cater to how much of an "attention whore" I am, but this is one where I just need to let everything out and not have to deal with a response. The other day upon driving to New Orleans to evacuate from Ike, Lyfe Jennings' Stick Up Kid came on my Ipod, and that's when this epiphany finally hit me. I used to say that I had no earthly idea what would propel a man to a life of crime, but sometimes things really do become just that hard. I mean I FELT Lyfe on that song, these niggaz are riding around with their 23s and DVDs in their ride, with the vast majority of them not gaining this material bullshit legally, and I got 2 degrees, one of which is a doctorate, and I dunno where my November rent is coming from. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOW MY CHILD THAT EDUCATION IS THE WAY IF IT AINT WORKING FOR ME? But let me not drag my child into this, he's literally a life safer these days. Ive been looking at my recent circumstances and having suicidial thoughts, Kaiden is prolly one of the few reasons why I'm still here. I have $114,000 in debt, $1,000 in my account, I owe my son $4,000, I dont have a job, I can't quit smoking, will be taking the MPRE for the third time, and I don't have a decent boo, let alone a girlfriend. But oh I have degrees, peices of paper that I struggled hard to receive, but in the end, I'm not seeing any return on my investment, either of them. People tell me all the time that I am too hard on myself and things will work out, but what if they don't...what if they don't...