I dunno what time blogger puts on my postings, but it is currently 2:16 AM, and it's looking like it about to be one of those nights. Since the age of 13 I've been an expert on making a girl/woman fall in love with me, but I'm unsure of how to keep them in love with me. Those who frequent my blog have seen that I am on the process to reformation, and the first step according to most of those __-step programs is admitting that you have a problem. My first confessional posting had an entire bullet point focused on me, the fact that I love the thrill of the chase and don't feel as though I'm boyfriend or much more husband material. I have decided to clean my slate because as the old folks say, once you tell one lie, you are doomed to keep lying in order to keep things in perspective. And that's what I've fallen victim to. I'm not as successful as I envisioned in my career choice, and I think it's time for me to just cut my losses, move back home, and figure out my next move in the comfort of my parents' home. Admitting that one is a failure is hard enough, but how can I be successful when I have so much going on in my personal life?
The only one that I can blame for my personal shortcomings is myself. Since I starting courting females at the age of 13, I have been labeled as a heart breaker. Hell, it's safe to operate in such a manner, I don't get hurt, and I get what I need. Being the self-proclaimed expert of the chase that I see myself as, I know the well isn't going to run dry anytime soon. Maybe that's why i don't value female company as much as I should, because I know that I can always find another one. But with me knowing that I am unappreciative, selfish, and out for Kellen, then how was I (un)lucky enough to get two "great" women at the same point in time? Then again, I'm not sure either of them were/are that great, because they are just the best options at this point in time. I thought I made my mind up in who I wanted, and in order to get us to that level that we need to be find myself telling her the truth about my intentions from jump and how they have changed as of now, but she blew up. Now, I'm not mad at her for blowing up, more so mad at myself for even treating her in such a manner. I had been warned about the type of person she was, and I should have known better when I saw for myself that I was not seeing the person whom she was described to be. She had been hurt, just like me, but instead of taking it out on the next person, she was woman enough to give me and love a chance and let go. But I was playing her to the left for the longest, so what that I was ready for what she wanted from me all along it was too little, too late. I'm going to cut my losses with that one, appreciate what she has shown me, send her some flowers and an "I'm sorry" card to her job tomorrow and let be whatever will be.
But the plot thickens...When I told the "make believe cheater" about this pseudo "half-life" that I have been living, she met me with a response of "it's okay, baby, I still love you." She was forgiving, understanding, and even said that my personal life is the reason why I can't be successful in my career. WOW!!! She is still supporting me after I told her that I'm with her when I come home and occasionally when she comes here, but for most of the time when I am in Houston, there is someone else in my life. I know hat she and I aren't done talking but I intend to tell her when I get back to New Orleans of how full of shit I am and that despite the lies I tell, and how hard I try to fake the funk, that I am still a work in progress and am nowhere near as ready for a relationship as I would allude to. I think my problem with both women is that they have catered to my weaknesses, women (specifically sex), money, and clothes. Both give me love and sex, both help me out in turn financially, and both buy me clothes. Because of that my vision is clouded, and I tend to re-examine the lot and forgive things that I consider unforgivable in order to give me the sanctity I need for a long term relationship.
Now I have dug myself into a deep hole, and have no one to blame but myself. But I have accomplished the clarity that I needed in my confessions. I now know that I'm not ready for a relationship, period. I need to fix myself first and straighten up my own house before inviting someone over for dinner. I no longer plan on rushing things...let God's will be done, not that of my own. Dammit, Kellen, I thought we learned this lesson this time last year...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Adonde Hacen Eso???
My last blog was one of confusion given the state of my personal "extra-curricular" activities, but I can proudly boast that it is getting better, at least in my mind. Well, I'm still in love with Ashley, gradually building up stronger and stronger feelings for Nicole, and starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now granted I said that I have been giving a woman in my life the cold shoulder, and she sends me a text the other night that read:
"I called you earlier but whatever. Let me clear my conscience. I lunch with a guy today. I really like him. Then we watch a movie and I fell asleep. When I woke up he ate my pussy and we messed around a bit but I couldn't bring myself to fuck him. I felt guilty cause I love you. I told him that I love you, I guess this is life :-/"
I looked at the text in awe, thinking wow, she was really serious about her saying that she would start to fuck around with other dudes if I didn't treat her as she so desired. But that's good tho, maybe she can do better than me, cause clearly I aint shit. Well, the next morning she calls, and of course I'm like whatever because I really don't know how to feel. On one hand I feel betrayed because someone done got close to my chick but on the other hand I feel like I brought it upon myself. So on that one hand I wanna call her all kinds of bitches and hoes and sluts, but then on the other I know I can't be upset because that's not my old lady, and I've been doing the same thing myself. So I'm torn and I just tell her that I have a lot to think about, and I will talk to her later, I'm not sure when later will be, but I will talk to her later. Last night she texts me back saying that she's sorry for acting like an asshole and starting confusion, that she made the whole thing up and it was a cry for attention. She wanted to piss me off because I've been pissing her off, and even admitted to the course of action's immaturity and apologized but I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm torn because I don't want to make a mistake with this decision, because I'm getting to the point where I want to settle down with one person, but I know I'm not ready for marriage. But damaging lies for the sake of attention, where they do that at? Do good women do that? Should I just let her fall by the waste side, or further this confusion in my life because she said she was sorry? Should I even believe her? Fuck, this wasn't a moment of clarity at all...
"I called you earlier but whatever. Let me clear my conscience. I lunch with a guy today. I really like him. Then we watch a movie and I fell asleep. When I woke up he ate my pussy and we messed around a bit but I couldn't bring myself to fuck him. I felt guilty cause I love you. I told him that I love you, I guess this is life :-/"
I looked at the text in awe, thinking wow, she was really serious about her saying that she would start to fuck around with other dudes if I didn't treat her as she so desired. But that's good tho, maybe she can do better than me, cause clearly I aint shit. Well, the next morning she calls, and of course I'm like whatever because I really don't know how to feel. On one hand I feel betrayed because someone done got close to my chick but on the other hand I feel like I brought it upon myself. So on that one hand I wanna call her all kinds of bitches and hoes and sluts, but then on the other I know I can't be upset because that's not my old lady, and I've been doing the same thing myself. So I'm torn and I just tell her that I have a lot to think about, and I will talk to her later, I'm not sure when later will be, but I will talk to her later. Last night she texts me back saying that she's sorry for acting like an asshole and starting confusion, that she made the whole thing up and it was a cry for attention. She wanted to piss me off because I've been pissing her off, and even admitted to the course of action's immaturity and apologized but I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm torn because I don't want to make a mistake with this decision, because I'm getting to the point where I want to settle down with one person, but I know I'm not ready for marriage. But damaging lies for the sake of attention, where they do that at? Do good women do that? Should I just let her fall by the waste side, or further this confusion in my life because she said she was sorry? Should I even believe her? Fuck, this wasn't a moment of clarity at all...
Friday, November 20, 2009
It Is Written In the Stars
A few weeks ago a friend proposed that she had developed a computer program that takes and breaks down an individual's personality....here's mine and its kinda on the money
One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions.
Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It's difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop--they're generally on top of things. There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They'll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. "Be true to yourself" and "Don't follow the crowd" are mottos we easily associate with this sign. Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They'll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you're quirky and "different", all the better.
Short description:
He is independent, autonomous, and has progressive ideas.
Weaknesses: an unusual, rebellious and revolutionary spirit.
The work that you do, and the services that you offer, are very important to your sense of identity. In order to feel good about yourself, you need to be busy with daily activities and to produce work you can be proud of. Focus on finding a suitable and rewarding avenue for expressing this part of you, being extra careful to choose an occupation in which you can express yourself. You are sensitive to criticism about the work you do, and you work best when you can create your own schedule. Positive feedback for the services you render is important to you, but be careful not to over-identify with the appreciation you receive from others, as your work and your health suffers when you feel under-appreciated. Motivation to do a good job should come from within.
you to question tradition. You are, above all things, an individualist. You naturally rebel against that which is established. It doesn't mean that you consistently break all the rules, but you definitely do question some of the rules, especially those that simply don't make much sense. You possess a huge distaste for routine. You work best when you have some say as to when and how you get things done. You possess much self-integrity. You avoid labeling people and are most offended when others attempt to label or stereotype you.
You easily embrace new ways of doing things, you stick up for the underdog, and you express yourself in unique and inspiring ways. You don't have to try to stand out as unique--you are original, creative, and progressive without trying. You are far from pretentious. You value honesty and truth, and you avoid putting on airs. You believe in the equality of people, and easily relate to people from all walks of life. You possess an unmistakable enthusiasm about life, and generally your life is interesting because you invite unusual or adventurous experiences into your life. You are generally appreciated by others because you are open-minded, fair, and not judgmental. Nothing really seems to faze you! You take things in stride, and are rarely shocked or taken aback by human behavior.
He can face conflicts in life due to a projection of character that doesn't match what is on the inside. Misrepresentation of the self is frequent. He must strive to understand how others perceive him and work on presenting a more accurate persona to the world, or he will rub people the wrong way or feel unrecognized and misunderstood.
Some people with Virgo Moons are accused of being underachievers. While it may be true that Lunar Virgos can lack self-confidence, many are--quite simply--content with living "regular", unassuming lives. They appreciate simplicity, and are often most comfortable when they're not getting too much attention from the world at large. Lunar Virgos are easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. They worry incessantly when there is too much to think about; and they know their limits. Arguably the worst position for a Lunar Virgo is without a steady routine or a simply satisfying job. They need to feel useful, and they best express this by helping others in little ways. They need something to call their own, and the space to do what they want to do. The unhappy Lunar Virgos are fussy and complaining sorts. They are victims of routine and freak out when their plans are not followed. They are restless and nervous, and can't seem to see the big picture. Probably the best remedy for these people is a job or hobby in which they can express their deep need to analyze, attend to details, and micromanage.
These people express their affection for the people they care about in little, but practical, ways. They can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Lunar Virgos are often shy with new people. However, when they are comfortable, they are anything but shy. More often than not, others can count on Moon in Virgo people. They are reliable and trustworthy. Above all else, Lunar Virgos are practical. Others turn to them for help and advice. In relationships, Lunar Virgos can be self-effacing and kind. Some are quite shy in love, and easily intimidated on a sexual level. Many are not very comfortable with their sexuality, but they aim to please nonetheless. The sign of Virgo is very body-aware, in general. If this awareness combines with a lack of self-confidence, Lunar Virgos can be too aware of the parts that make up the whole. This can lead to a tendency to be intensely self-critical. Once Lunar Virgos learn to come out of their shell, however, they can be earthy partners with a lot to give.
Some of the most skeptical people are Lunar Virgos. They can't help but poke holes when faced with others' blind faith. Their criticism can be maddening, and their insistence on seeing the practical in anything emotional can be challenging, especially if you are the dreamy type. Virgo curiosity shows up big time with this position of the Moon. To some, it can be confusing. Lunar Virgos seem very interested in others' problems, for example, but can be quite cool and even unsympathetic in the long run. Their advice can seem hard to more sensitive folk; yet Lunar Virgos can be surprisingly delicate when faced with others' criticism. Virgo Moon people are generally busy and quietly happy when they have their lives under control. They aim for a simple existence, and are often quite content with very little. Many are early risers, ready to take on the day with enthusiasm. They scurry around, keeping busy and managing their life quietly and expertly. As long as their little world is manageable, Lunar Virgos can be a delight to be around.
Short description:
He has a very good memory. Scientific or medical studies preferred above all others. He is humble and moderate, calm and reserved. Emotional discipline. He is willing to help, devoted and gentle.
Weaknesses: servile nature, frequent changes of occupation, gets annoyed, upset, worries. He is too shy.
You can be quite expressive and animated in your speech. You have an outstanding memory and tend to pick up a lot of information from your environment. You love to chat and to exchange ideas. Even if you are shy, once you're friends, you love to talk about pretty much anything under the sun, and you enjoy sharing stories from your past! For the most part, you are focused on day-to-day activities in your communications rather than on grander philosophies. You are naturally curious and interested, and others find you very easy to talk to. You are accommodating and curious, but you are not as well equipped to handle heavy emotional demands. You thrive on change and variety. You might be a little addicted to gossip! More probably, however, you are simply very curious about others. There is a twinkle in your eyes, and you are never short on humor. You are playful and versatile--you make a fun companion and an interesting friend. You listen! Yes, you do talk and occasionally interrupt in your excitement, but you are a curious person who does want to hear what others have to say, and that is a real pleasure. In fact, you are more able than most people to get others talking, simply because you are very receptive and sympathetic. You pick up others' feelings and body language readily.
He lacks firmness, and can be a sucker for a sob story! He likes to live in a dream, in the world of imagination, and can hope so much that reality checks can be brutal.
Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.
Mercury in Capricorn
His mind compartmentalizes impressions, and he appreciates structure and order. The mind learns best when it can see practical uses for information. Resourceful, reflective, deep thinker: a fine and vivacious mind. Undertakes lengthy studies or, if circumstances do not allow, will teach himself. A rational person. Can be pessimistic, skeptical, and sarcastic, possessing a very sharp sense of humor. Notices everything.
Mercury in VI
Medical profession. Serviceable and generous nature. Meets their soul sister at work, or (if not) through family contacts.
Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.
Venus in Pisces
Venus in Pisces people project themselves as dreamy, soft-hearted partners. Everything about the way they flirt promises a lovely time. Theirs is an elusive charm -- they are sweetly playful, a little moody, and perhaps a little irregular. They appreciate romance and poetry, and they prefer to "feel out" both you and the relationship you share, so don't expect too much planning ahead. Their sensitivity can be a little misleading at times. Yes, they are sensitive folk, but lovers may find it maddening that this sensitivity is not only directed at them, but towards all of mankind. Venus in Pisces men and women want you to know that their love is unconditional. They are unimpressed by your status, and love and accept you for all that you are inside. They love the underdog and are attracted to wayward folks, or those in need of a little help. With their romantic view of the world, they can be unreasonably attracted to states of suffering and martyrdom, so they easily get into the role of saving someone, or being saved. Unlike Venus in Libra, which thrives on equality, Venus in Pisces is actually turned on by inequality! They can be rather confusing and hard to pin down as they feel their way through their relationships. As much as they may want to, they find it hard to commit. Many do end up committing, however, at least on the surface.
Pleasing Venus in Pisces involves enjoying tender moments and romantic times with them. You won't always be able to count on them. In fact, you can be sure they will stretch the truth every once in a while. But remember they do this because they fear they might hurt you, and they can't bear to cause you any heartache. Try to understand them, although that's never an easy task considering the fact that they don't always know themselves. And, truth is, some Venus in Pisces privately have a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood. Try to put up with their apparent lack of direction in the relationship -- they are so receptive and open to all possibilities that it is hard for them to commit to any one thing, idea, or even person. These intriguing partners will reward you with a love that is accepting and comes as close to unconditional as humans can get.
Venus in VII
His fate depends a lot on marriage. Marries for love, children, happy emotional life.
101 Conjunction Venus - Mars
He is amorous, not a peaceful and calm lover but a passionate one with a strong temperament. He is demonstrative in love, and likes healthy pleasures. He enjoys life to the full.
-88 Square Venus - Jupiter
He is nonchalant, pretentious, full of self-importance. He likes what is beautiful and sometimes ostentatious, and spends lots of money for the sake of appearances. He likes to please and has numerous amorous adventures. He is unfaithful and undergoes tribulations in love.
116 Trine Venus - Saturn
He has a good grasp of reality and of duty. He is thrifty, reserved and does not show off. He likes truth and justice. In love, his sentiments are sincere and deep, he never plays false. He is, of course, faithful in love and friendship. He can love a much older person and appreciates his intelligence and good sense.
-10 Square Venus - Uranus
He looks for new sensations in love and is often unsatisfied by affairs which quickly turn into purely conventional relationships. He likes novelty, adventure, the eccentric: he is frivolous, unstable, unfaithful. Marriage is not for him and, if he does throw himself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake. As a result of his numerous love affairs, he makes sure his line is continued.
61 Trine Venus - Pluto
His emotional and sex life is powerful and rich. He lives out truly passionate love affairs.
20 Sextile Venus - Midheaven
He has good taste, has an affectionate nature, his love is warm and deep, based on intellectual understanding and common tastes. His friends are useful in furthering his career.
Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.
Mars in Pisces
Mild-tempered and gentle, these guys and gals move through life in a manner that can hardly be considered direct. Mars is the planet of action and assertion, and Pisces is a passive sign that rarely asserts itself in a direct fashion. So the placement of Mars in Pisces is an unusual combination. Sometimes prone to feelings of guilt about their anger, and difficulties with asserting themselves, Mars in Pisces individuals seem to "go with the flow". This is certainly not a very active position for Mars, and natives will often let life "happen" instead of trying to control their life direction. This is a charming position, as individuals with Mars in Pisces don't appear like they are capable of harming a fly. However, those that don't find creative expression for this energy can stir up a storm through indirect aggression.
Mars in Pisces people are not averse to playing games to get what they want, although even they don't always know exactly what they do want! Their desires are changeable and moody, and it's hard to really know where these natives stand on any particular issue. Alternatively, some Mars in Pisces people do take a stand on issues that are Piscean in nature, making compassion and love their mission. Energy levels fluctuate a lot, coming in bursts of activity followed by inertia. Because it can be difficult to align this ebbing and flowing of energy in the day-to-day world as it is, finding a job that supports this may be tough. The happiest Mars in Pisces individuals are those that have a creative outlet that allow them to express their desires of the moment, their compassion--and even their anger--freely and imaginatively. An example of Mars in Pisces is Bono, lead singer of U2, who seems to have found the perfect outlet for his creativity through his music, and as a spokesperson for love and compassion.
Mars in VIII
Sexually very powerful, he is also capable of tremendous focus and hard work. Sexually intense and deep. Is adept at professions requiring research, strategy, uncovering truths, and analysis. Arguments may occur over inheritance.
-34 Square Mars - Jupiter
He refuses to accept any guidance. He lacks forethought, acts impulsively and sometimes imprudently, which can cause problems. He wants everything yesterday and uses whatever means necessary to achieve his objectives, even if they are dishonest or not very commendable. His emotional life is fraught with quarrels and sometimes violent conflicts.
12 Trine Mars - Saturn
He is energetic and determined. He has strength and resistance, ability and patience: he is tough, and sometimes insensitive, and puts all his energy and talents into overcoming all the obstacles to his success. He is obstinate, calculating, does not take on anything without having thought of all the possible consequences, he can take all the time in the world and never loses patience to achieve his objectives. He is not particularly popular in his circle, but is feared and respected.
-45 Square Mars - Uranus
He is full of contradictions. He is original, tending to the eccentric, violent, headstrong, impatient and irascible. He fights to the bitter end to overcome hurdles, and has the strength to overcome them.
Jupiter represents expansion and grace.
Jupiter in Sagittarius
He attracts the most good fortune when he is open-handed and generous, tolerant, and practices what he preaches. Can be inspirational, and find success in travel, education, teaching, sports, publishing, and foreign cultures.
Jupiter in IV
He likes and believes in justice. He is an optimist and is generous. Professional success is rapid and helped by the family. Family life is very important for him. He likes comfort, well-being at home. He knows how to entertain in style and above all with pleasure: his house is always open to friends.
394 Conjunction Jupiter - Uranus
He knows what's going on at a glance. He thirsts after knowledge, and is a good organizer. He is very independent, likes his freedom of action, is a non-conformist. He is very agreeable company and is always in demand.
25 Trine Jupiter - Ascendant
He likes meeting friends, around a good meal and in a cordial atmosphere. He is pleasant, jovial and engaging.
Saturn represents contraction and effort.
Saturn in Scorpio
Observant, self-controlled, unforgiving, tough, methodical, a researcher, an investigator. Lots of courage, self-assurance and can keep his cool.
Weaknesses: makes no concessions or compromises. He can become a fanatic of a creed, a party, work or a religion.
Saturn in III
His studies will be restricted. He is serious, discrete. He takes on mental tasks that require time and concentration. He travels little even though he likes it. He has few friends, who are, however, very close.
104 Conjunction Saturn - Pluto
He perseveres, achieves his projects through hard work.
-62 Opposition Saturn - Midheaven
He must struggle a lot and work hard to achieve his aims. Although confronted by discouraging circumstances, he knows how to set off again and continue the fight.
Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.
Uranus in Sagittarius
He is shy, delicate but proud, bold and lively.
Uranus in IV
He is very independent. His independence begins vis-...-vis the family circle. He does not like bureaucracy, administration, and has problems as a result. He has avant-garde ideas, he is original and does not tolerate constraints on his freedom.
17 Trine Uranus - Ascendant
He is always changing, is unstable. He is ready to innovate, to change everything. He is inventive.
Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.
Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.
Neptune in V
Extravagant love affairs, great passions.
42 Sextile Neptune - Pluto
Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.
Pluto in Libra
Looks for new ways to relate to others.
-5 Opposition Pluto - Midheaven
He abuses his power, crushing others in order to achieve his objectives. He risks losing everything and having to start from scratch.
House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.
Aquarius ascendant Leo
Ascendant in Leo
Leo rising people cannot help but be noticed. They radiate a special energy and magnetism that gets others' attention. Sometimes it's because they are loud people who pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance (especially their hair!); other times it's due to a regal manner that simply demands interest from others. Leo Ascendant people are very self-aware and body-conscious. They are acutely aware of others, and how they come across. In fact, these people are especially aware of their personal "backdrop"--they consider what the people they're with, and the environments they are in, do to their own image. Often, Leo rising natives feel as if they are on stage, even in the privacy of their own homes! They are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. However, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble. The desire to oversee the goings-on in their circle can sometimes amount to bossiness. If this desire doesn't go too far, however, it can just mean a person who wants to make sure the people they love are all right. Many Leo rising people are managers, either by profession or character.
The tendency to overestimate things, and themselves, is generally present. This is due to a natural enthusiasm and optimism about any new undertaking. Sometimes, they are walking commercials. In fact, Leo rising people make excellent promoters. Leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. Drama comes naturally to these natives. In fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they're a little blind to fact. They have an unusual need to be admired. Leo Ascendants often have a strong physical constitution. They pay special attention to their personal appearance and mannerisms. Usually, they choose clothing and hairstyles that are youthful. Their manner is authoritarian and strong. Very full emotional life.
No matter their age in real-world terms, Leo rising people are kids at heart. They are fun-loving and warm; generous and spirited. They have a natural flair for presentation, an eye for quality, and a hard-to-resist warmth of style. They want to make things happen, and create a stir.
He worries about money and is not especially generous with it unless he feels very comfortable.
He looks for refined people, with whom to have long discussions, without raised voices of any kind. Harmony and peace is very important.
Likes adventure, travel, gambling, takes risks for the pleasure of it, treating it as a game. Lots of love affairs.
Works hard, unceasingly and patiently. Weak point: the cold, changes in temperature.
A slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding. Both will love their independence, their freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for herself, then a divorce will ensue.
Likes meeting, ceaselessly discussing with well-informed people, full of ideas.
Problems will only come from the family.
One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions.
Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It's difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop--they're generally on top of things. There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They'll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. "Be true to yourself" and "Don't follow the crowd" are mottos we easily associate with this sign. Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They'll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you're quirky and "different", all the better.
Short description:
He is independent, autonomous, and has progressive ideas.
Weaknesses: an unusual, rebellious and revolutionary spirit.
The work that you do, and the services that you offer, are very important to your sense of identity. In order to feel good about yourself, you need to be busy with daily activities and to produce work you can be proud of. Focus on finding a suitable and rewarding avenue for expressing this part of you, being extra careful to choose an occupation in which you can express yourself. You are sensitive to criticism about the work you do, and you work best when you can create your own schedule. Positive feedback for the services you render is important to you, but be careful not to over-identify with the appreciation you receive from others, as your work and your health suffers when you feel under-appreciated. Motivation to do a good job should come from within.
you to question tradition. You are, above all things, an individualist. You naturally rebel against that which is established. It doesn't mean that you consistently break all the rules, but you definitely do question some of the rules, especially those that simply don't make much sense. You possess a huge distaste for routine. You work best when you have some say as to when and how you get things done. You possess much self-integrity. You avoid labeling people and are most offended when others attempt to label or stereotype you.
You easily embrace new ways of doing things, you stick up for the underdog, and you express yourself in unique and inspiring ways. You don't have to try to stand out as unique--you are original, creative, and progressive without trying. You are far from pretentious. You value honesty and truth, and you avoid putting on airs. You believe in the equality of people, and easily relate to people from all walks of life. You possess an unmistakable enthusiasm about life, and generally your life is interesting because you invite unusual or adventurous experiences into your life. You are generally appreciated by others because you are open-minded, fair, and not judgmental. Nothing really seems to faze you! You take things in stride, and are rarely shocked or taken aback by human behavior.
He can face conflicts in life due to a projection of character that doesn't match what is on the inside. Misrepresentation of the self is frequent. He must strive to understand how others perceive him and work on presenting a more accurate persona to the world, or he will rub people the wrong way or feel unrecognized and misunderstood.
Some people with Virgo Moons are accused of being underachievers. While it may be true that Lunar Virgos can lack self-confidence, many are--quite simply--content with living "regular", unassuming lives. They appreciate simplicity, and are often most comfortable when they're not getting too much attention from the world at large. Lunar Virgos are easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. They worry incessantly when there is too much to think about; and they know their limits. Arguably the worst position for a Lunar Virgo is without a steady routine or a simply satisfying job. They need to feel useful, and they best express this by helping others in little ways. They need something to call their own, and the space to do what they want to do. The unhappy Lunar Virgos are fussy and complaining sorts. They are victims of routine and freak out when their plans are not followed. They are restless and nervous, and can't seem to see the big picture. Probably the best remedy for these people is a job or hobby in which they can express their deep need to analyze, attend to details, and micromanage.
These people express their affection for the people they care about in little, but practical, ways. They can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Lunar Virgos are often shy with new people. However, when they are comfortable, they are anything but shy. More often than not, others can count on Moon in Virgo people. They are reliable and trustworthy. Above all else, Lunar Virgos are practical. Others turn to them for help and advice. In relationships, Lunar Virgos can be self-effacing and kind. Some are quite shy in love, and easily intimidated on a sexual level. Many are not very comfortable with their sexuality, but they aim to please nonetheless. The sign of Virgo is very body-aware, in general. If this awareness combines with a lack of self-confidence, Lunar Virgos can be too aware of the parts that make up the whole. This can lead to a tendency to be intensely self-critical. Once Lunar Virgos learn to come out of their shell, however, they can be earthy partners with a lot to give.
Some of the most skeptical people are Lunar Virgos. They can't help but poke holes when faced with others' blind faith. Their criticism can be maddening, and their insistence on seeing the practical in anything emotional can be challenging, especially if you are the dreamy type. Virgo curiosity shows up big time with this position of the Moon. To some, it can be confusing. Lunar Virgos seem very interested in others' problems, for example, but can be quite cool and even unsympathetic in the long run. Their advice can seem hard to more sensitive folk; yet Lunar Virgos can be surprisingly delicate when faced with others' criticism. Virgo Moon people are generally busy and quietly happy when they have their lives under control. They aim for a simple existence, and are often quite content with very little. Many are early risers, ready to take on the day with enthusiasm. They scurry around, keeping busy and managing their life quietly and expertly. As long as their little world is manageable, Lunar Virgos can be a delight to be around.
Short description:
He has a very good memory. Scientific or medical studies preferred above all others. He is humble and moderate, calm and reserved. Emotional discipline. He is willing to help, devoted and gentle.
Weaknesses: servile nature, frequent changes of occupation, gets annoyed, upset, worries. He is too shy.
You can be quite expressive and animated in your speech. You have an outstanding memory and tend to pick up a lot of information from your environment. You love to chat and to exchange ideas. Even if you are shy, once you're friends, you love to talk about pretty much anything under the sun, and you enjoy sharing stories from your past! For the most part, you are focused on day-to-day activities in your communications rather than on grander philosophies. You are naturally curious and interested, and others find you very easy to talk to. You are accommodating and curious, but you are not as well equipped to handle heavy emotional demands. You thrive on change and variety. You might be a little addicted to gossip! More probably, however, you are simply very curious about others. There is a twinkle in your eyes, and you are never short on humor. You are playful and versatile--you make a fun companion and an interesting friend. You listen! Yes, you do talk and occasionally interrupt in your excitement, but you are a curious person who does want to hear what others have to say, and that is a real pleasure. In fact, you are more able than most people to get others talking, simply because you are very receptive and sympathetic. You pick up others' feelings and body language readily.
He lacks firmness, and can be a sucker for a sob story! He likes to live in a dream, in the world of imagination, and can hope so much that reality checks can be brutal.
Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.
Mercury in Capricorn
His mind compartmentalizes impressions, and he appreciates structure and order. The mind learns best when it can see practical uses for information. Resourceful, reflective, deep thinker: a fine and vivacious mind. Undertakes lengthy studies or, if circumstances do not allow, will teach himself. A rational person. Can be pessimistic, skeptical, and sarcastic, possessing a very sharp sense of humor. Notices everything.
Mercury in VI
Medical profession. Serviceable and generous nature. Meets their soul sister at work, or (if not) through family contacts.
Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.
Venus in Pisces
Venus in Pisces people project themselves as dreamy, soft-hearted partners. Everything about the way they flirt promises a lovely time. Theirs is an elusive charm -- they are sweetly playful, a little moody, and perhaps a little irregular. They appreciate romance and poetry, and they prefer to "feel out" both you and the relationship you share, so don't expect too much planning ahead. Their sensitivity can be a little misleading at times. Yes, they are sensitive folk, but lovers may find it maddening that this sensitivity is not only directed at them, but towards all of mankind. Venus in Pisces men and women want you to know that their love is unconditional. They are unimpressed by your status, and love and accept you for all that you are inside. They love the underdog and are attracted to wayward folks, or those in need of a little help. With their romantic view of the world, they can be unreasonably attracted to states of suffering and martyrdom, so they easily get into the role of saving someone, or being saved. Unlike Venus in Libra, which thrives on equality, Venus in Pisces is actually turned on by inequality! They can be rather confusing and hard to pin down as they feel their way through their relationships. As much as they may want to, they find it hard to commit. Many do end up committing, however, at least on the surface.
Pleasing Venus in Pisces involves enjoying tender moments and romantic times with them. You won't always be able to count on them. In fact, you can be sure they will stretch the truth every once in a while. But remember they do this because they fear they might hurt you, and they can't bear to cause you any heartache. Try to understand them, although that's never an easy task considering the fact that they don't always know themselves. And, truth is, some Venus in Pisces privately have a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood. Try to put up with their apparent lack of direction in the relationship -- they are so receptive and open to all possibilities that it is hard for them to commit to any one thing, idea, or even person. These intriguing partners will reward you with a love that is accepting and comes as close to unconditional as humans can get.
Venus in VII
His fate depends a lot on marriage. Marries for love, children, happy emotional life.
101 Conjunction Venus - Mars
He is amorous, not a peaceful and calm lover but a passionate one with a strong temperament. He is demonstrative in love, and likes healthy pleasures. He enjoys life to the full.
-88 Square Venus - Jupiter
He is nonchalant, pretentious, full of self-importance. He likes what is beautiful and sometimes ostentatious, and spends lots of money for the sake of appearances. He likes to please and has numerous amorous adventures. He is unfaithful and undergoes tribulations in love.
116 Trine Venus - Saturn
He has a good grasp of reality and of duty. He is thrifty, reserved and does not show off. He likes truth and justice. In love, his sentiments are sincere and deep, he never plays false. He is, of course, faithful in love and friendship. He can love a much older person and appreciates his intelligence and good sense.
-10 Square Venus - Uranus
He looks for new sensations in love and is often unsatisfied by affairs which quickly turn into purely conventional relationships. He likes novelty, adventure, the eccentric: he is frivolous, unstable, unfaithful. Marriage is not for him and, if he does throw himself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake. As a result of his numerous love affairs, he makes sure his line is continued.
61 Trine Venus - Pluto
His emotional and sex life is powerful and rich. He lives out truly passionate love affairs.
20 Sextile Venus - Midheaven
He has good taste, has an affectionate nature, his love is warm and deep, based on intellectual understanding and common tastes. His friends are useful in furthering his career.
Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.
Mars in Pisces
Mild-tempered and gentle, these guys and gals move through life in a manner that can hardly be considered direct. Mars is the planet of action and assertion, and Pisces is a passive sign that rarely asserts itself in a direct fashion. So the placement of Mars in Pisces is an unusual combination. Sometimes prone to feelings of guilt about their anger, and difficulties with asserting themselves, Mars in Pisces individuals seem to "go with the flow". This is certainly not a very active position for Mars, and natives will often let life "happen" instead of trying to control their life direction. This is a charming position, as individuals with Mars in Pisces don't appear like they are capable of harming a fly. However, those that don't find creative expression for this energy can stir up a storm through indirect aggression.
Mars in Pisces people are not averse to playing games to get what they want, although even they don't always know exactly what they do want! Their desires are changeable and moody, and it's hard to really know where these natives stand on any particular issue. Alternatively, some Mars in Pisces people do take a stand on issues that are Piscean in nature, making compassion and love their mission. Energy levels fluctuate a lot, coming in bursts of activity followed by inertia. Because it can be difficult to align this ebbing and flowing of energy in the day-to-day world as it is, finding a job that supports this may be tough. The happiest Mars in Pisces individuals are those that have a creative outlet that allow them to express their desires of the moment, their compassion--and even their anger--freely and imaginatively. An example of Mars in Pisces is Bono, lead singer of U2, who seems to have found the perfect outlet for his creativity through his music, and as a spokesperson for love and compassion.
Mars in VIII
Sexually very powerful, he is also capable of tremendous focus and hard work. Sexually intense and deep. Is adept at professions requiring research, strategy, uncovering truths, and analysis. Arguments may occur over inheritance.
-34 Square Mars - Jupiter
He refuses to accept any guidance. He lacks forethought, acts impulsively and sometimes imprudently, which can cause problems. He wants everything yesterday and uses whatever means necessary to achieve his objectives, even if they are dishonest or not very commendable. His emotional life is fraught with quarrels and sometimes violent conflicts.
12 Trine Mars - Saturn
He is energetic and determined. He has strength and resistance, ability and patience: he is tough, and sometimes insensitive, and puts all his energy and talents into overcoming all the obstacles to his success. He is obstinate, calculating, does not take on anything without having thought of all the possible consequences, he can take all the time in the world and never loses patience to achieve his objectives. He is not particularly popular in his circle, but is feared and respected.
-45 Square Mars - Uranus
He is full of contradictions. He is original, tending to the eccentric, violent, headstrong, impatient and irascible. He fights to the bitter end to overcome hurdles, and has the strength to overcome them.
Jupiter represents expansion and grace.
Jupiter in Sagittarius
He attracts the most good fortune when he is open-handed and generous, tolerant, and practices what he preaches. Can be inspirational, and find success in travel, education, teaching, sports, publishing, and foreign cultures.
Jupiter in IV
He likes and believes in justice. He is an optimist and is generous. Professional success is rapid and helped by the family. Family life is very important for him. He likes comfort, well-being at home. He knows how to entertain in style and above all with pleasure: his house is always open to friends.
394 Conjunction Jupiter - Uranus
He knows what's going on at a glance. He thirsts after knowledge, and is a good organizer. He is very independent, likes his freedom of action, is a non-conformist. He is very agreeable company and is always in demand.
25 Trine Jupiter - Ascendant
He likes meeting friends, around a good meal and in a cordial atmosphere. He is pleasant, jovial and engaging.
Saturn represents contraction and effort.
Saturn in Scorpio
Observant, self-controlled, unforgiving, tough, methodical, a researcher, an investigator. Lots of courage, self-assurance and can keep his cool.
Weaknesses: makes no concessions or compromises. He can become a fanatic of a creed, a party, work or a religion.
Saturn in III
His studies will be restricted. He is serious, discrete. He takes on mental tasks that require time and concentration. He travels little even though he likes it. He has few friends, who are, however, very close.
104 Conjunction Saturn - Pluto
He perseveres, achieves his projects through hard work.
-62 Opposition Saturn - Midheaven
He must struggle a lot and work hard to achieve his aims. Although confronted by discouraging circumstances, he knows how to set off again and continue the fight.
Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.
Uranus in Sagittarius
He is shy, delicate but proud, bold and lively.
Uranus in IV
He is very independent. His independence begins vis-...-vis the family circle. He does not like bureaucracy, administration, and has problems as a result. He has avant-garde ideas, he is original and does not tolerate constraints on his freedom.
17 Trine Uranus - Ascendant
He is always changing, is unstable. He is ready to innovate, to change everything. He is inventive.
Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.
Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.
Neptune in V
Extravagant love affairs, great passions.
42 Sextile Neptune - Pluto
Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.
Pluto in Libra
Looks for new ways to relate to others.
-5 Opposition Pluto - Midheaven
He abuses his power, crushing others in order to achieve his objectives. He risks losing everything and having to start from scratch.
House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.
Aquarius ascendant Leo
Ascendant in Leo
Leo rising people cannot help but be noticed. They radiate a special energy and magnetism that gets others' attention. Sometimes it's because they are loud people who pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance (especially their hair!); other times it's due to a regal manner that simply demands interest from others. Leo Ascendant people are very self-aware and body-conscious. They are acutely aware of others, and how they come across. In fact, these people are especially aware of their personal "backdrop"--they consider what the people they're with, and the environments they are in, do to their own image. Often, Leo rising natives feel as if they are on stage, even in the privacy of their own homes! They are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. However, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble. The desire to oversee the goings-on in their circle can sometimes amount to bossiness. If this desire doesn't go too far, however, it can just mean a person who wants to make sure the people they love are all right. Many Leo rising people are managers, either by profession or character.
The tendency to overestimate things, and themselves, is generally present. This is due to a natural enthusiasm and optimism about any new undertaking. Sometimes, they are walking commercials. In fact, Leo rising people make excellent promoters. Leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. Drama comes naturally to these natives. In fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they're a little blind to fact. They have an unusual need to be admired. Leo Ascendants often have a strong physical constitution. They pay special attention to their personal appearance and mannerisms. Usually, they choose clothing and hairstyles that are youthful. Their manner is authoritarian and strong. Very full emotional life.
No matter their age in real-world terms, Leo rising people are kids at heart. They are fun-loving and warm; generous and spirited. They have a natural flair for presentation, an eye for quality, and a hard-to-resist warmth of style. They want to make things happen, and create a stir.
He worries about money and is not especially generous with it unless he feels very comfortable.
He looks for refined people, with whom to have long discussions, without raised voices of any kind. Harmony and peace is very important.
Likes adventure, travel, gambling, takes risks for the pleasure of it, treating it as a game. Lots of love affairs.
Works hard, unceasingly and patiently. Weak point: the cold, changes in temperature.
A slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding. Both will love their independence, their freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for herself, then a divorce will ensue.
Likes meeting, ceaselessly discussing with well-informed people, full of ideas.
Problems will only come from the family.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
With a Little Help From Our Friends...
Last night was a good night. I was fortunate enough to have a "kick it" session with the homies turn into a session of "real talk" that was greatly needed in my life. It really felt good to release one of my problem areas with people who seem to know a little on the topic. Now, I'm not going to call my friends experts on the situation but both of them are in healthy relationships, one being "shacked up," and the other patiently waiting for May 15th so that he can move from the legal category of "single" to that of "married." The talk that we had greatly helped me, and it allowed me to further put my relationship issues into perspective.
The talk began with one of my friends alerting another to the haps of bulletpoint #3, and how I had found me a winner. The consensus from my peers was clear; that I have a good one, and I should do everything I could not to lose what we have. They made a pretty compelling argument which I will get into later when I get to bulletpoint 3, but it has left me more and more confused because I don't want to miss out on the good woman that I may have staring me in the face, but as I've been told recently; sometimes it just aint that simple. Anyways, I need to come clean tho before I can get some good advice, so if you've began to read this, know that it's long, and please just bear through it...
Bulletpoint #1 - Ashley
For those of you who read my blog, Ashley is my beloved "Kreampuff" or "Moodie" that I wrote that letter that became the post entitled; "5 Years in the Making." She is my "one." Always has been, but I hope that in the future she will not always be that if we aren't together. I'm still in love with her and don't want to put my life on hold for her but I don't think it would be fair for me to become involved with anyone knowing that if Ashley wanted me she could have me, despite whatever my former mate may call and/or think about me. Ashley never responded to my post, claiming that she didn't know how to respond to my thoughts and that the situation is not as simple as I make it out to be. Damn, I just want to know if I can have another shot, or if I should ust give up, what's not so simple about that? That leads me to believe that Ashley still wants to be bothered with me and that I should just see what happens, but what if it takes her another 5 years to tell me to give up and I'm 31 yrs old, still lonely, and still unhappy...
Bulletpoint #2 - Robin
Robin has been a roller coaster of emotion in the five years that I have been involved with her. I can't say knowing, because I have known Robin for about 11 years, but the last 5 have been the most difficult for both of us. Robin came into my life in the capacity she is at a time when I was weak. I had just came out of a relationship with Ashley and I honestly intended to use her as a "booty buddy" just to get back in the groove. The problem with that was that the sex was GREAT, much better than expected, and she didn't need anytime from me. I have found out later that it was because she had a boyfriend at the time, so for me to just call her days before I was coming home for the weekend and engage her in bullshit conversation in order for me to ensure that we would "get it popping" that weekend wasn't horribly difficult. Well somewhere along the lines, I broke the code. I let my "sweet side" break in and decided one night to take Robin out. It wasn't anything major, just a trip to the Hookah Cafe that resulted in our paths twisting around and us going to the point of officially dating as opposed to random chit chat and meeting up to have sex, and that's when I started tripping. I wrestled with the idea of potentially marrying a former "booty buddy" and the ramifications of this on the children we may have, especially if one were to be a girl. So here's Robin, we have the friend who understands me, she knows that I'm a "hoe" and it bothers her, but she knows that I'm going to change when I'm ready to, or when she moves to Houston to make me. I just have a problem because with Robin being so honest and upfront with me, I'm starting to realize that she is the female version of me, which is truly a double-edged sword. I mean, if she's the female me, then that proves that I am capable of change, but what if she's just as good of a liar as I am. The issue is that despite me caring for her the way that I do an appreciating what she has told and taught me about love and relationships as well as myself, I have not been treating her as such. The past few weeks I have been upset about my financial situation and needed time alone, or so Robin thinks. I've actually been spending time with #3 because she has been helping me out in my time of need, and getting rid of Robin at the same time...
Bulletpoint #3 - Nicole
I met Nicole at a happy hour and was immediately enamored with her, hell I was looking at a Zeta that I found attractive face-to-face, and immediately I wanted her, sexually. Well, I communicated that fact to her off the bat and she immediately informed me that "if we hump, we go together." I know, with as many women as I have been involved with that this should have cause a red flag to immediately begin to fly, but there was something about her that was interesting and plus, with my track record, she would begin to understand that she can be disposed of as quick and as easy as taking the trash to the dumpster. But, then Nicole started teaching me about my own life, and that one of my vices (money), has a powerful effect on my life decisions. I have made it a rule that when a woman makes purchases outside of clothes and shoes, she had bought herself a 6-month window where she can do no wrong. But this aint just some woman that I have transformed into a trick. I don't ask her for much, she just gives, which is kinda upsetting because I now feel as though she may be buying me, but she really is holding me down. She gives me space when I ask for it, and in the end all she wants is to have me around. Sure she nags and bitches, but what woman doesn't? She wants me to be involved in her life, is being supportive, pushing me to be my best, and comes up with proposed solutions to my problems, unlike Robin who is supportive, but doesn't offer ways to fix the problems I have, and this is not entirely based upon money. I only have a few issues with Nicole, one of which is that when life affects her, she just goes and gets another tattoo (she has 44), and doesn't really share her issue with anyone. I want her to open up to me, but hell I'm not doing the same, what I should be telling her, I'm writing in a blog. Certain things I say bother her, particularly that I talk about my son and parenthood so much when she was subjected to a forced abortion earlier this year. My second issue is that she just may be plain crazy, hell she's been everything I've needed her to be with little resistance, and is pretty much becoming the woman I want her to be, so what happens if I don't choose her? Thirdly, we are not sexually compatible. She still thinks that oral sex makes her a whore, and does not communicate to me what she needs, expects, and likes during sex. Its difficult to get a murmur out of her during sex, but she readily tells me that the sex is good she's just quiet. These are the only issues I have with her, doesn't seem like much, but why can't I take this to the next level...
Bulletpoint #4 - Me
As a self-proclaimed satyromaniac, I have this thrill that I get in pursuing
"new pussy."I like the thrill of the hunt as well as the mystery that is left behind from a new sexual partner, and with 87 notches on my belt, I think that I shouldn't want new partners, but hell I do. That's the problem with relationships, no more new pussy. There are a few other exes and interest that I am still in contact with that I would like to have sex with and potentially let something rise from that, but then I may have the same doubts that I have about Robin. My friends encouraged me to just continue to do me, but don't bring that shit into my home, but I'm just having a problem finding out where home is...I really need some help on this one...but who can give me unbiased advice without looking at me funny...Is that my only hope, to find a woman who understands me and knows that I wont bring that shit into her house, or am I doomed to be single forever...
The talk began with one of my friends alerting another to the haps of bulletpoint #3, and how I had found me a winner. The consensus from my peers was clear; that I have a good one, and I should do everything I could not to lose what we have. They made a pretty compelling argument which I will get into later when I get to bulletpoint 3, but it has left me more and more confused because I don't want to miss out on the good woman that I may have staring me in the face, but as I've been told recently; sometimes it just aint that simple. Anyways, I need to come clean tho before I can get some good advice, so if you've began to read this, know that it's long, and please just bear through it...
Bulletpoint #1 - Ashley
For those of you who read my blog, Ashley is my beloved "Kreampuff" or "Moodie" that I wrote that letter that became the post entitled; "5 Years in the Making." She is my "one." Always has been, but I hope that in the future she will not always be that if we aren't together. I'm still in love with her and don't want to put my life on hold for her but I don't think it would be fair for me to become involved with anyone knowing that if Ashley wanted me she could have me, despite whatever my former mate may call and/or think about me. Ashley never responded to my post, claiming that she didn't know how to respond to my thoughts and that the situation is not as simple as I make it out to be. Damn, I just want to know if I can have another shot, or if I should ust give up, what's not so simple about that? That leads me to believe that Ashley still wants to be bothered with me and that I should just see what happens, but what if it takes her another 5 years to tell me to give up and I'm 31 yrs old, still lonely, and still unhappy...
Bulletpoint #2 - Robin
Robin has been a roller coaster of emotion in the five years that I have been involved with her. I can't say knowing, because I have known Robin for about 11 years, but the last 5 have been the most difficult for both of us. Robin came into my life in the capacity she is at a time when I was weak. I had just came out of a relationship with Ashley and I honestly intended to use her as a "booty buddy" just to get back in the groove. The problem with that was that the sex was GREAT, much better than expected, and she didn't need anytime from me. I have found out later that it was because she had a boyfriend at the time, so for me to just call her days before I was coming home for the weekend and engage her in bullshit conversation in order for me to ensure that we would "get it popping" that weekend wasn't horribly difficult. Well somewhere along the lines, I broke the code. I let my "sweet side" break in and decided one night to take Robin out. It wasn't anything major, just a trip to the Hookah Cafe that resulted in our paths twisting around and us going to the point of officially dating as opposed to random chit chat and meeting up to have sex, and that's when I started tripping. I wrestled with the idea of potentially marrying a former "booty buddy" and the ramifications of this on the children we may have, especially if one were to be a girl. So here's Robin, we have the friend who understands me, she knows that I'm a "hoe" and it bothers her, but she knows that I'm going to change when I'm ready to, or when she moves to Houston to make me. I just have a problem because with Robin being so honest and upfront with me, I'm starting to realize that she is the female version of me, which is truly a double-edged sword. I mean, if she's the female me, then that proves that I am capable of change, but what if she's just as good of a liar as I am. The issue is that despite me caring for her the way that I do an appreciating what she has told and taught me about love and relationships as well as myself, I have not been treating her as such. The past few weeks I have been upset about my financial situation and needed time alone, or so Robin thinks. I've actually been spending time with #3 because she has been helping me out in my time of need, and getting rid of Robin at the same time...
Bulletpoint #3 - Nicole
I met Nicole at a happy hour and was immediately enamored with her, hell I was looking at a Zeta that I found attractive face-to-face, and immediately I wanted her, sexually. Well, I communicated that fact to her off the bat and she immediately informed me that "if we hump, we go together." I know, with as many women as I have been involved with that this should have cause a red flag to immediately begin to fly, but there was something about her that was interesting and plus, with my track record, she would begin to understand that she can be disposed of as quick and as easy as taking the trash to the dumpster. But, then Nicole started teaching me about my own life, and that one of my vices (money), has a powerful effect on my life decisions. I have made it a rule that when a woman makes purchases outside of clothes and shoes, she had bought herself a 6-month window where she can do no wrong. But this aint just some woman that I have transformed into a trick. I don't ask her for much, she just gives, which is kinda upsetting because I now feel as though she may be buying me, but she really is holding me down. She gives me space when I ask for it, and in the end all she wants is to have me around. Sure she nags and bitches, but what woman doesn't? She wants me to be involved in her life, is being supportive, pushing me to be my best, and comes up with proposed solutions to my problems, unlike Robin who is supportive, but doesn't offer ways to fix the problems I have, and this is not entirely based upon money. I only have a few issues with Nicole, one of which is that when life affects her, she just goes and gets another tattoo (she has 44), and doesn't really share her issue with anyone. I want her to open up to me, but hell I'm not doing the same, what I should be telling her, I'm writing in a blog. Certain things I say bother her, particularly that I talk about my son and parenthood so much when she was subjected to a forced abortion earlier this year. My second issue is that she just may be plain crazy, hell she's been everything I've needed her to be with little resistance, and is pretty much becoming the woman I want her to be, so what happens if I don't choose her? Thirdly, we are not sexually compatible. She still thinks that oral sex makes her a whore, and does not communicate to me what she needs, expects, and likes during sex. Its difficult to get a murmur out of her during sex, but she readily tells me that the sex is good she's just quiet. These are the only issues I have with her, doesn't seem like much, but why can't I take this to the next level...
Bulletpoint #4 - Me
As a self-proclaimed satyromaniac, I have this thrill that I get in pursuing
"new pussy."I like the thrill of the hunt as well as the mystery that is left behind from a new sexual partner, and with 87 notches on my belt, I think that I shouldn't want new partners, but hell I do. That's the problem with relationships, no more new pussy. There are a few other exes and interest that I am still in contact with that I would like to have sex with and potentially let something rise from that, but then I may have the same doubts that I have about Robin. My friends encouraged me to just continue to do me, but don't bring that shit into my home, but I'm just having a problem finding out where home is...I really need some help on this one...but who can give me unbiased advice without looking at me funny...Is that my only hope, to find a woman who understands me and knows that I wont bring that shit into her house, or am I doomed to be single forever...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
