Bittersweet Suicide?

Yesterday was a day that should have echoed with delight in my soul as I cast my vote for the first black candidate for the office of President of the United States, but the joy I experienced in making history was truly short-lived as my own problems began to set in. My own attempt to rectify my financial problems temporarily was set back. I had a credit card with a $5000 limit that I hadn't used in over a year whose limit was reduced to $200 due to inactivity. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SAFETY NET! So now I have 8 days to try to find $500 to pay my rent. I've had friends offer to let me hold something, but for some reason, my pride won't let me accept it. I don't know why I'm so proud all of a sudden because I've been letting my parents spoil me rotten for the past 25 years, but for some reason I'm unable to let anyone else help me. I think it's because if I let someone help me I'll be lead to believe that a security blanket will always be there and I'll never get up and go it for myself. My number one fear in life has always been failure, and now I'm starting to realize it.

I'm a shitty boyfriend, a shitty father, a shitty son, and I'll probably be a shitty husband. Friends of mine who read my blog will probably remark that none of the above is true, but let me educate you to a few facts. Do you realize the number of females that I have completely fucked over because I just had to have something "better?" Do you all realize that I don't really do much for my child, not cause I don't want to, but because I can't. Shit, I can't financially support myself, who was I kidding to believe that I'd honestly be able to be a better father than the man who dropped out of school to make sure my mother received her Bachelor of Science. I'm a shitty son because I wanted to be back in Houston instead of at my father's birthday party, and then had the audacity to ask him for money when I couldn't even afford to get him something for his birthday. Then I know I'll make a shitty husband because as I've had several females remark lately, I need to be trained. I'm just a shitty 25 year old little boy.

Some may contend that I should be happy that I voted for change because my financial shortcomings are due to the economic recession that we are in, but when does it become time to stop pointing fingers and look at the source? I've criticized many black Americans for failing to be responsible for their own actions, and I refuse to sugar-coat my own. I have an income of 0, a debt in excess of $115,000, and a little boy that worships the ground I walk on, God help my poor child. How can I look my son in the eye and explain to him that his father is an educated failure???

Love Always Finds a Way

It’s funny how it took for me to acquire the wisdom of 23 years of life, a college degree, and become a father myself to realize just how brilliant my own father is. Now I’ve been out in the streets and have developed the tags of being a “heartbreaker” and a “player,” all because my mom was always in my ear saying; “Son, you’re too young to be serious with that girl, have fun and enjoy your life.” So I looked at love and relationships like I was too young to be serious about it all, and my logic was based upon the fact that it all came from my mother and she’s a female herself. And I moved through my life realizing that since I was young and being serious was not of the urgency required by other endeavors of mine, I played and figured that it was okay to be with more than one girl at a time, actually combining the well-liked traits from each one to make Nas’ “Perfect Bitch.” But it wasn’t until this weekend that I realized that those times when I decided to go against my mother and give a female my all, that I was actually doing what was right for me. Although the few particular occasions where I was serious all managed to blow up in my face, I still haven’t given up on love yet because I believe despite all obstacles, love will find a way.

Now my father, the proud, hard-working man who rarely says much sits down in a funk beside me on the sofa on Sunday. He was upset that my mother gave the same rhetoric to my 18-yr old brother about his girlfriend. The two are 5 hrs apart and in love, trying to make things work despite one being in college, and the other in the last year of high school. And it seems like love is finding a way for those two. But my dad had a flashback to the fall of 1974 when a young couple with a history of around a year was faced with a “see you later” that would send one to La Crosse, WI, and the other to Baton Rouge, LA. What if they had listened to others who may have given them the same advice, shit, I wouldn’t be here, and who knows what wonders or hells might have occurred in their alternate existences. My dad just looked at the ceiling with a sigh and said, “that’s why you can’t let other people live your life for you. Only you know what makes you happy.” And then I had an epiphany, maybe I’ve let so many “good girls” fall by the wasteside because I was letting other people decide what happened with MY relationship. One particular woman from my past reminds me of Jay-Z’s lyric; “Once a good girl’s gone, she’s gone forever, I’ll mourn forever, I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever.” And I feel that with that one particular girl.

So although I consider myself damaged goods, I don’t ever see myself giving up on love. Even those instances where I chose to give a woman my all and they ended up horribly wrong are not considered regrets. In the end I guess Alicia was right; “my soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned.” Thank you, Daddy, for allowing me to gain some kind of insight on how I should continue becoming a man. Thank you to those of you who have managed to clarify what I should be looking for, and thank you, Jesus, for giving me the strength to continue on for my search for Mrs. Right, or have I found her already???

Code Amongst Criminals

In late 2004/early 2005, the hip hop community unveiled its “Stop Snitching” campaign, a movement that was met with great disdain by the “so-called” leaders of the black community. These “so-called” leaders are the same crew that have attempted to bury the word “nigger/nigga,” spoke amongst themselves to decide how our youth should act, and consistently attempt to censor entertainment in favor of “morality.” Those of you who consistently read my posts know how I feel about these leaders, and if you don’t remember, I suggest you listen to Lil Wayne’s Misunderstood on his Carter III LP.

Well, the line was drawn when Steve Harvey, Mr. “Preacher Suit” himself, stated that black youths were mistaken to endorse the before-mentioned campaign, because stop snitching is a code amongst criminals and we as a people should never support something that has criminal ties. Well Steve, let me ask you this, did your mother ever beat the sleeves off you for being a tattle-tail? I know mine did, and that was never a code amongst criminals. As a youth I have been punished and disciplined for being a tattle-tail, and the logic behind it was always that “no one likes a tattle-tail.” So I ask you, Mr. Harvey, as well as my blog following, what’s the difference between being a tattle-tail and being a snitch? I don’t think there’s any, and if anything “stop snitching” is not a code amongst criminals but a cry for personal accountability, analogous to the chivalrous code of manhood exercised by knights in Medieval times.
That being said I would like to draw everyone’s attention to the newest exploits of New Orleans politics, the reporting of Stan “Pampy” Barre’, to jail. (http://blog.nola.com/nola/2008/10/stan_pampy_barres_confessions.html http://www.nola.com/timespic/stories/index.ssf?/base/library-157/122379071170590.xml&coll=1 ) Now, Pampy is apparently upset with a judge who sentenced him to 5 years in a federal prison after he managed to skim over a million dollars off a city contract. Now the recommended sentence for such an offense is 9-11 years, but Pampy was able to get 4 years shaved off his minimum in exchange for cooperating with federal agents in an attempt to get some of his comrades arrested. In his plea to his presiding judge, Pampy admitted that he was sorry for defrauding his city, that he had lost his business, several of his other ventures, friends, and even his “good” name. He even went so far as to state that he has been a regular donor to St. Peter Claver Church and St. Augustine High School, a characteristic the he feels is not conducive to a criminal. I look at such actions as money-laundering and that my good friends, is something that criminals do. Pampy regretted his action and also said that he was merely doing his part to rid the city of corruption. No, nigga, u were just someone else who got caught and couldn’t stand to see yourself as the only one to incur punishment. Quit your bitching, do your 5, and man up. Because you were man enough to do it, now be man enough to accept the consequences.

Is “Stop Snitching” really a code amongst thieves or a cry to break away from the “crabs in a barrel theory,” and “man-up?”

Coming Home part1

I wish sometimes that I was so creative as to let my words correspond with each other in a manner that would appeal to more than just the eyes. They would envolp you in sounds, smells, and tastes that are so dear and familiar to you. That's what home is. For some time I've attmpted to tell you all how I feel about home, but I can't find the right words. But that's where it is, that's where everything becomes so beautiful...the fact that its not the same for everyone. From the old drum major from '78 who hasn't been here since moving to detroit in 1993, to the old bruhs/sorors who have been in their organizations longer than your parents have been alive (or even longer than some organizations have been in existence, lol). It's just the fact inside jokes never die amongst true friends, the stories that never get old and pass along the same enjoyment and embarrassment as issued soon after the event happened. All this is what I feel when I come home, and only 4 years away from the yard, I have discovered that its just as fun as an alumni and nothing is ever the same. And as I sit in "car in park" traffic on I-10, it hits me, that's what home, and homecoming for that matter, is. So, while i'm as giddy as a 12 year old to see the latest young pop icon, to see those old faces, hear those old jokes, get chicken from the old blue store, i'm just as excited not knowing what the weekend will bring, whether its the renewal of an old flame, new sparks flying, a weekend I can't remember, the one i'll never forget, or the one that provides me with a great career opportnuity. The fact is, i'm going home, and i'm excited...GO JAGS! WHERE ARE THE NUPES?

Who Am I?

Create a playlist at MixPod.com

Well it just dawned on me that I've been posting a blog without giving a glimpse into who I am or why I've chosen to name my blog what I have. Shyne began his debut self-titled album in 2000 with an Intro he named "Dear America." In the intro he gives an insight to the common plight of the most inner-city African-American males as he states;

"Dear America,
I'm only what you made me, young, black, and fuckin' crazy
Please save me
I'm dyin' inside, can't you see it in my eyes?
I'm hopeless, and fearless on the outside, gun on my side
Shit, Maby if yall niggas build schools instead of prison,
maybe I'll stop livin' the way I'm livin', probably not.
I'm so used to servin' rocks and burnin' blocks, I ain't never gonna stop.
Been doin' this shit all my life, I'm a lost cause,
And what about the rest? Don't them suckers deserve a chance? Somethin'
better then shoot-outs, liquor stores and food stamps? Maybe if y'all teach
them niggas a craft an' a trade, they wouldn't have to play that corner, know what I mean?
Servin' that yay. America, you got a fuckin' problem, an I ain't never goin' away
There's about 20 million other mutha fuckers just like me,
reparations is due, y'all gonna pay"

So I chose to give my blog the title "Young, Black, and Krazy" because I truly am a product of my environment. I'm not talking about the Lower 9th Ward of New Orleans, its much bigger than that, but then again, I don't mean the world because that's a little too big. I'm talking about the United States of America. The reason why I feel the way I do in terms of issues that affect little old New Orleans and the Earth are all embedded in my head because of what I have experienced in America. From being a little bit too hood for corporate and white America to being slightly too educated to be considered hood, I have yet to really find where I belong. I know what it means to be hopeless and fearless at the same time and yet America calls me crazy because my passion for the uplifting of my people is misunderstood as anger, and some of my ideals aren't readily accepted when they come from a 25yr old black man who has two degrees.

They say that America uses statistics in order to determine where the nation's budget is best spent. And with the incarceration rates among African-American males on the rise who can blame the country for putting more money into correctional facilities than institutions for the primary, secondary, and higher education for the only ethnic group who was brough to this "great" nation against their will, and had a 400 yr handicap against their development. But even if the nation chose to invest in the future of the black race, its another thing to get these kids to school. Its almost imbedded in our minds that the American dream wasn't meant to be shown when we are aslssp so the way that most of us have been reared as that "lost cause." Too afraid to pursue an education for fear of being educated, with a nice resume, and unemployed (a feeling I know all too well). So are they crazy for pursuing the easy money? Not entirely. Lyfe Jennings expresses a similar sentiment in "Stick Up Kid," the song that's at the top of this post...I hope you pressed play.

But what about the rest? Maybe if they teach them a craft or a trade, they'll be educated enough to find work, but not accepted enough to be the threat that America desires not to see us become. But the thing about this is that the vast majority of us feel the closing of this peice. We aint going away and we all fell that a part of America is entitled to us. In the end reparations have been due for the longest and all though we may not want or expect the same form of payment, America, when we come to collect, you'll have one helluva debt!

My $19.11 on the Debates

My line brother, Myron, has a quote that he has incorporated after reading somewhere the "statistical" reason as to why African-American tend to do traditionally poorer than other ethnicities on standardized tests; "You know why black people don't do well on standardized tests...because they don't answer the question asked!" A statement that I'm sure the Spring '04 initiates of my chapter grew tired of hearing during MOIP, but statement that nonetheless applies to everyone, ESPECIALLY politicians.

After watching the Presidential and Vice-Presidential debates, I have become more and more adamant about the state of American Education and Politics. Maybe I was simply fortunate enough to have parents who actually gave a damn and read to me, or made me read to them when I was able, or maybe because I was a product of the 35th best public school in the nation (as of Newsweek's 2007 rankings), but I didn't know that a response that has no relevance to the question posed could ever be satisfactorily received. Had I known that, I would have focused the rants that are the subject of my blog postings to answers on tests since I was old enough to express my own thoughts. But that scares me. I've seen an election stolen the first time I was old enough to vote for a President, and I fail to believe that this country has progressed enough to allow its Commander-in-Chief to be an African-American even if he is half-white.

I was inspired by Obama's nomination acceptance speech, it made me cry, but common sense is starting to kick in make me question the true motives of the Republican Party, because it really can't be that simple. When your #1 and #2 hopefuls constantly dodge the issues presented, read from index cards, give "shout-outs," and sympathetically appeal to this country's infatuation with the Kennedy's, I fail to see how any opposing party with a brain could lose, hell even Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton Jr. could win this election (SHAKE AND BAKE '08, lol). I'm still struggling to see how the energy crisis even remotely relates to the mess on Wall Street, how Joe "Six Pack" and a "Hockey Mom" are the average Americans, and how the hell we are fighting a war against terror/Al Queida in Iraq when both sides admit that Al Queida is in Afghanistan. But that's what Sarah Palin wants us to believe. Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin's constant priase of Gen. Patreus (sp?) makes me think that he should have received the Republican nomination because he is clearly the "real hero" here. I kinda wish that our country, or the world for that matter, was still in the days when armies were lead by a Commander who was unafraid to be on the field of battle with his/her troops, and then we'll see how fond we are of senseless wars.

I guess my main issue with the Republican Party can be answered by phrasing a response to the question "are you serious?" Sen. McCain, do you really think the American people are that stupid that you can coach a decent looking former beauty queen who is probably experiencing her 5th or 6th time in the continental United States in to being Vice-President. Or is this an obvious attempt to woo away Hillary Clinton supporters? (I feel that an Obama/Clinton ticket would have easily won, but Hillary was just too damn greedy and desparate to allow that to happen.) That is why I was unimpressed by the debates, I expected more of a fight, and now do not know what the '08 Election will bring. Like Lauryn Hill said, "it could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard." Just throw in the towel and save the embarrassment, hey, we'll accept the offer to concede. The fact that they won't worries me that we may experience another stolen election. So I'll say this, if I'm not Singing "My President is Black" in January 2009, I'm moving to Europe, and I'll return when Sallie Mae goes under...