In My Mind...

JUST PRESS PLAY...



She's not her...She's not her, either...neither is she...neither is she...

It's funny the turns that life takes us on these unexpected turns just to leave us back at square one. I need a friend in my life, one that I can tell the truth to, one that won't judge me, one that understands my situation and can help me fix it. I'm addicted to a thought that won't ever be, and me being unwilling to accept anything less than what I want, am doomed to reap the repercussions of it.

Funny how my last posting covered the evils of Facebook, and this posting is inspired by Facebook and its news feed. I saw that my ex had been tagged in some new photos, so I went to check them out, and what I saw was truly amazing. There I was looking at the perfect woman, and depressed because she wasn't mine. So I wanted to attempt to take my mind off of her and went to youtube for entertainment. I found myself watching old Human Jukebox clips and became drawn to SU's cover of Heather Headley's In My Mind as about the 5th or 6th song that I had heard. I really liked the arrangement so I wanted to hear the original song. Lo and behold I came across the clip that I posted, finding out that Shannon Sanders authored this song and released it in 1999, later selling it to Heather Headley. I really like this version just because I don't feel like men should like women songs, even though you can pretty much transition them without losing a beat. Anyways, this song got placed on repeat as I just felt it, because in my mind, she will always be my lady, the only problem that I have with that is when should one stop living in their mind, and live in reality.

I sought the advice of a friend of mine whose opinion I trust, and she said the same thing that I have heard countless other times, that if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, and if not, it never was. It's not that I don't know this to be true, but its just that I can't deal with the negative in that situation. While its true that what she and I shared is in the past and occurred at a time where neither of us had the years or maturity that either of us have now, I think now I'm better equipped to handle it, and find myself wishing that she feels the same. I now understand how burdensome it is to discuss marriage at 18 when you haven't even experienced life, and the need to run off in order to experience the world before giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. And I think I understand what was going through her mind. The only question I have is, how do I press on further when in my mind she'll always be my lady because when it comes down to it...

She's not her...she's not her either...neither is she...neither is she...

Facebook...

I used to laugh at people who were unable to keep their relationships in control once Facebook was introduced, but now I truly see how it can affect people's lives. On Wednesday I posted a status that read; " Kellen A. Daranda-Esq was just told that its okay to let go and fall in love; WHERE DEY DO DAT AT?!" as a satirical comment to something one of the women in my life told me. (Before you even formulate an opinion, know that I'm doing better, and I'm only seeing two at this point in my life.) I know that I have reached an age where women are no longer trying to date for the sake of dating and have meaningless sex with random guys they encounter and neither am I, the problem is that neither of the women in my life have me at a point where I can see forever with either of them, and all the women who make me feel as thought I could fall in love with them are just dating for the hell of it and enjoying single life. Love has never been a word that I have taken lightly, and when I say it I mean it, so I'm not a hypocrite in that respect, but I just need a woman who is what I want, and then I can build on that, but I digress. This status update invoked an interest of mine to send me a text which read, "So Kellen no longer believes in love, eh? Hmmmm..." Which shocked me cause this is a woman who ranks high on my list of favorites, sexy as all I adore, beautiful, nice job, nice car, nice apartment, silly as hell, with a love for family, basically all the building blocks I would need to fall in love, but she's always busy. I elected not to respond to the text, but I'm like damn woman, if you would have stopped playing games and disappearing, we could have been happy, together, and in love, a long time ago.

Well, the plot thickens...

Thursday night, I made plans with a friend who went to PV for her to come over and for us to watch the game and get fucked up, which we did. Now this friend is someone whom I used to be intimate with, but she and I haven't slept together in a 4-6 month period. After PV won the game, she decided as a penalty that I should have to take a picture holding up a PV bag and post it to Facebook. Well, I let her do it, knowing the truth behind the circumstances with us watching the game (and no we did not sleep together Thursday night), but baby girl (the one who invoked the earlier status) blew the fuck up via text messages and writing on my Facebook wall. I don't need to be slick on this one and actually plan on writing her a lengthy letter in which I spill out everything instead of just koming at her with my usual game and getting out of trouble. (yeah, I'm that effin good) I need to stop playing games, I aint shit unless I'm with a woman who I feel like is worth it. Until that time comes, I'll just continue to do me...

The problem that I've brought on myself which has caused this Facebook debauchery is the answer to one of the questions I've had in my mind for the longest as to why marriages don't work and things of that nature. I had proposed part of an answer and based it upon people getting married for the wrong reason, but its also because of folks settling. I now realize this because this is why baby girl is getting mad at me and feeling like I'm not ready, because I'm not, at least not with her. Me deciding that she would make a prime candidate for a girlfriend and potentially a wife was all based upon me settling and thinking that because she was the better option amongst the table scraps that I had the choice of eating, that things would work. So I told her that I hoped to move forward after I took care of somethings, namely, getting the rest of the random women out of my life, and she was like okay. Well, the day after I told her that I met the second of the women that I am dating and she blows baby girl out of the water, so of course I took a step back on the relationship and continued to play. The problem with number 2 is I don't see her as girlfriend material either, but honestly, she's growing on me.

Allow me to recant my earlier statement, Facebook does not get people in trouble when they are on their shit, meaning that they are doing what they need to do to sustain a positive social and love life, but when people stop being honest, Facebook is an instantaneous way to get their skeletons out of the closet, and with that being said, I plan to move forward and be more honest....

Sleepless Nights

Today (yesterday) was a weird day, I woke up at my usual 6:30 with a tremendous headache that would have me miss work. I don't believe that anything is necessarily wrong with the occasional day off but my mom made sure that she rang home a very important point with me at a young age; if you aren't going to work, don't spend your entire day doing nothing, make the day productive. So I spent my day cleaning up, trying to make myself feel better, and I've decided that it's been 2 weeks since I've posted to my blog, not because I haven't had the time, but mainly because I'm at a cross-roads. I have wrestled for a minute with the though of starting another blog to allow myself the release that this one has, however, if I did that, I would put everything out there, and to have someone read it would be disastrous to my personal life. So this posting here is intended to just give me something to write about in a creative sense. I posted a note on Facebook in which I put on random, and allowed the first 20 songs to serve as representations for certain people in my life. Well, today, I've decided to put my Ipod on random again and write whatever comes to mind based on the first couple of songs that pop up with no censoring, this should be interesting...

Wifey - Usher; When I first heard this song I was really feeling it, mainly based upon the chorus. The words "Wifey, where are you, cause here I am" are powerful words coming from a man in 2009, because many of us have been brainwashed by society's labels that 30 is the new 20, and 20 is akin to being a teenager with a salary and no curfew. As much as of a hopeless romantic as I am, forever is a long time, I guess I can't really get to that point because I haven't found that Crazy Love - Brian McKnight. I had it once in my life and I guess the shit is still there, because I can't get over the girlfriend formally known as "Kreampuff." I know I made a posting a while back coming clean with her and putting everything out there, in hopes of moving on, but I haven't really been able to do that. I still flip through her pictures on Facebook at least twice a week and feel as tho the reason why I can't give my heart to another is because I still want her. Hell, I know if I got in a relationship and Ms. Officer decided to make even a meager attempt to come back in my life, I would probably jump at the chance and leave whoever in the dust. I know this isn't fair so I guess I'll remain single until I can get a better grip on love and how it ties into logic...

We'll Always Love Big Poppa - The LOX; lately my parents dying has been on my mind a lot. I know that such is life, and there eventually comes a time where a child has to bury their parents but I am at a point in life where I am just starting to understand my father and admire his wisdom to the point where I wish I listened to him more as a youth. I don't know what I will do when I reach the point where I lose my Daddy and hope that when I reach that point that either I will have Wifey or at least that Crazy Love to help me through that. But until then I will continue to say Hello World - Little Wayne, because I am the motherfucking trouble maker. I tell people all the time about how I'm out to take over the world and as I remarked earlier with the introductory paragraph, I've always been a trouble maker to the women I've dated. I think that's why I want to come to clean so bad...

Lock You Down - Mya feat. Lil Wayne; this has never been a problem for me, as I have always been bold enough to tell women that I can make them fall in love with me. But achieving reciprocation on that is usually a near impossible task. I act one way but say another, and can act like I love someone but getting me to say it is something totally different. Usually women get upest at how slow I move and replace me soon finding out that their replacement could never Love You Like I Did - 112. This brings out a totally different side of a relationship when someone hurts you and then comes back. This is what's currently happening with my son's mother, and I'm actually thinking of giving her and I another shot. But the way that I love is hard, and not easily duplicated. I think that I'll ultimately get married or at least a girlfriend when I'm happy and have my life together. Any woman who hopes to get that should just stick around, because I'm prolly gonna wife up who I am with at that point in time...

Monogamy and Monotony

I think that my blog is actually helping me develop into the man I envision myself to be because this is my space for me to write about the things that are going on in my world and put my own personal reflection into a more permanent medium. Some of my postings I share with Facebook and others I don't, because I like to keep some of my thoughts more private and I have over 1900 friends on FB and some of them are Facebook stalkers. This post will probably not be shared, unless I feel the need to get some advice.

Mono - a combining form meaning “alone,” “single,” “one.”

Being someone with an affinity for the number one, people should be inclined to think that I would like words that display loyalty, singularity, and things of that nature, but I am also a reckless soul who craves change, just not in the people that I deal with. Dennis Green's quote that Coors has put in their marketing campaign is probably my favorite form of monotony; I like when "they were who we(I) thought they were." Yet, I hate monotony, I dislike routine and the same thing happening everyday as if life is scripted. I find comfort in knowing what is going to happen next, but that bores me and takes away from the beauty that is life. Typically, when I reach the point where I desire change, I usually do things completely out of character or eliminate things or people I consider to be mundane and routine. Which brings me to my next point, is it possible that a man such as myself can sustain a monogamous relationship without it becoming monotonous, or is that the inevitable?

Way back in the gap, I fell in love hard with a woman who was as random as a pair of dice. Monogamy was difficult for me in the onset of our relationship, but once I realized that this woman had something that I hadn't had before (or since) I realized that it was a small price to pay. One thing that our relationship wasn't was monotonous, I really never knew what to expect from this woman, and that's what I liked about her. This may be what caused her to leave me, as she probably didn't know what she wanted her damn self, but such is life, I think I've grown since then. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to that point. Sure I've met women since then, sure I've been involved since then, but when things get repetitive, I usually break camp. Is it possible to have one without the other, will I find another who makes me feel as though monotony is the way to go, because at this point I haven't...