Sleepless Nights

Today (yesterday) was a weird day, I woke up at my usual 6:30 with a tremendous headache that would have me miss work. I don't believe that anything is necessarily wrong with the occasional day off but my mom made sure that she rang home a very important point with me at a young age; if you aren't going to work, don't spend your entire day doing nothing, make the day productive. So I spent my day cleaning up, trying to make myself feel better, and I've decided that it's been 2 weeks since I've posted to my blog, not because I haven't had the time, but mainly because I'm at a cross-roads. I have wrestled for a minute with the though of starting another blog to allow myself the release that this one has, however, if I did that, I would put everything out there, and to have someone read it would be disastrous to my personal life. So this posting here is intended to just give me something to write about in a creative sense. I posted a note on Facebook in which I put on random, and allowed the first 20 songs to serve as representations for certain people in my life. Well, today, I've decided to put my Ipod on random again and write whatever comes to mind based on the first couple of songs that pop up with no censoring, this should be interesting...

Wifey - Usher; When I first heard this song I was really feeling it, mainly based upon the chorus. The words "Wifey, where are you, cause here I am" are powerful words coming from a man in 2009, because many of us have been brainwashed by society's labels that 30 is the new 20, and 20 is akin to being a teenager with a salary and no curfew. As much as of a hopeless romantic as I am, forever is a long time, I guess I can't really get to that point because I haven't found that Crazy Love - Brian McKnight. I had it once in my life and I guess the shit is still there, because I can't get over the girlfriend formally known as "Kreampuff." I know I made a posting a while back coming clean with her and putting everything out there, in hopes of moving on, but I haven't really been able to do that. I still flip through her pictures on Facebook at least twice a week and feel as tho the reason why I can't give my heart to another is because I still want her. Hell, I know if I got in a relationship and Ms. Officer decided to make even a meager attempt to come back in my life, I would probably jump at the chance and leave whoever in the dust. I know this isn't fair so I guess I'll remain single until I can get a better grip on love and how it ties into logic...

We'll Always Love Big Poppa - The LOX; lately my parents dying has been on my mind a lot. I know that such is life, and there eventually comes a time where a child has to bury their parents but I am at a point in life where I am just starting to understand my father and admire his wisdom to the point where I wish I listened to him more as a youth. I don't know what I will do when I reach the point where I lose my Daddy and hope that when I reach that point that either I will have Wifey or at least that Crazy Love to help me through that. But until then I will continue to say Hello World - Little Wayne, because I am the motherfucking trouble maker. I tell people all the time about how I'm out to take over the world and as I remarked earlier with the introductory paragraph, I've always been a trouble maker to the women I've dated. I think that's why I want to come to clean so bad...

Lock You Down - Mya feat. Lil Wayne; this has never been a problem for me, as I have always been bold enough to tell women that I can make them fall in love with me. But achieving reciprocation on that is usually a near impossible task. I act one way but say another, and can act like I love someone but getting me to say it is something totally different. Usually women get upest at how slow I move and replace me soon finding out that their replacement could never Love You Like I Did - 112. This brings out a totally different side of a relationship when someone hurts you and then comes back. This is what's currently happening with my son's mother, and I'm actually thinking of giving her and I another shot. But the way that I love is hard, and not easily duplicated. I think that I'll ultimately get married or at least a girlfriend when I'm happy and have my life together. Any woman who hopes to get that should just stick around, because I'm prolly gonna wife up who I am with at that point in time...

Monogamy and Monotony

I think that my blog is actually helping me develop into the man I envision myself to be because this is my space for me to write about the things that are going on in my world and put my own personal reflection into a more permanent medium. Some of my postings I share with Facebook and others I don't, because I like to keep some of my thoughts more private and I have over 1900 friends on FB and some of them are Facebook stalkers. This post will probably not be shared, unless I feel the need to get some advice.

Mono - a combining form meaning “alone,” “single,” “one.”

Being someone with an affinity for the number one, people should be inclined to think that I would like words that display loyalty, singularity, and things of that nature, but I am also a reckless soul who craves change, just not in the people that I deal with. Dennis Green's quote that Coors has put in their marketing campaign is probably my favorite form of monotony; I like when "they were who we(I) thought they were." Yet, I hate monotony, I dislike routine and the same thing happening everyday as if life is scripted. I find comfort in knowing what is going to happen next, but that bores me and takes away from the beauty that is life. Typically, when I reach the point where I desire change, I usually do things completely out of character or eliminate things or people I consider to be mundane and routine. Which brings me to my next point, is it possible that a man such as myself can sustain a monogamous relationship without it becoming monotonous, or is that the inevitable?

Way back in the gap, I fell in love hard with a woman who was as random as a pair of dice. Monogamy was difficult for me in the onset of our relationship, but once I realized that this woman had something that I hadn't had before (or since) I realized that it was a small price to pay. One thing that our relationship wasn't was monotonous, I really never knew what to expect from this woman, and that's what I liked about her. This may be what caused her to leave me, as she probably didn't know what she wanted her damn self, but such is life, I think I've grown since then. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to that point. Sure I've met women since then, sure I've been involved since then, but when things get repetitive, I usually break camp. Is it possible to have one without the other, will I find another who makes me feel as though monotony is the way to go, because at this point I haven't...