I GOT IT

Its truly amazing how and when things dawn upon you. I have said that I despise living in Houston because of the fakeness of its natives and how they have collectively thrown me into the category of a “typical” New Orleanian. Although I will admit that a lot of my mannerisms, speech patterns, and thoughts are exclusively New Orleans, an overwhelming amount of people in the Houston metropolitan area still manage to believe that such characteristics are less than desirable and I have allowed them to sway my opinion of myself. Well, the past two weeks have allowed me to gain a better understanding of my life in Houston and I think I have it figured out.

To those of you who have read my recent blog postings where I went Kimbo Slice on all of my achievements and personality and extended a phone call, text message, or just stopped me in person to check on me and make sure I was okay, thank you, I am thankful to have you all as friends. The kind words of encouragement and just concern for my well being meant a lot to me and even came from some sources that I would never have expected. Such random acts of kindness coupled with the message I got in church this past Sunday have led me to believe that after 25 years and some change, I’m finally starting to figure parts of this thing called life out.

This Sunday found me in church, a place that I’ll admit I attend more on occasion as opposed to the frequency of my youth or last year in undergrad, but the priest at ST. Mary’s gave a Homily that was right on time and did not fall of deaf ears. Father talked of a conversation he had with one of his seminary classmates in which the classmate inquired as to God’s method of answering prayers. The classmate stated that he asked for wisdom and God gave him more problems to solve, he asked for understanding, and found himself with people who were hard to deal with. Such a statement profoundly affected me because I thought I was the only one who was bewildered by the direct opposites that have come from my own requests.

I’ve asked God for wisdom in my studies and my last two times sitting for the MPRE and the only sitting of the Texas Bar left me with results that were less than desired. I have asked for love and have received more platonic friendships with the opposite sex than I thought were possible. My desire for greatness has left me feeling unfulfilled with my apparent failures, and the search for independence may have me living back with my parents before the end of 2008. Such responses have managed to frustrate the same man who wants to tattoo the phrase “adversity causes some men to break, others to break records” across his back. This same man who regards the 10 and a half weeks of hell on the journey to Phi Nu Pi as what made a man of him at 19 was confused by encountering a series of minor setbacks that were in fact the answers to his prayers.
To my friends who have been concerned with my stability or apparent lack thereof, please don’t worry about me, that’s just my inner spoiled brat coming out and not being accustomed to encountering rejection. I’ve realized this past Sunday that I’m not a failure and that my prayers are definitely being answered. So as I go back to hiding under a rock in preparation for the February bar, pray for me with the same fervor you did in July, this time I’m bringing it home!

Its krazy how it does...

On the eve before the biggest test of my life, I am reminded of something someone told me about a week ago; "stop making every big moment of your life analogous to pledging, life does go on after you get off line." However, things that I have learned as a lowly scroller have helped me along through life. I have learned to do the difficult and strive for the impossible, and I have had the harsh realization that life is "hard but fair, sad, but true." However the most applicable thing is the last thing I heard before I crossed those burning sands, William Earnest Henley's Invictus;

Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be, for this my unconquerable soul,
In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud,
Under the bludgeonings of chance, my head is bloody, but unbowed,
Beyond this place of wrath and tears, looms but the horrors of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years, finds, and shall find me unafraid,
It matters not how straight the gate, nor how charged with punishment the scroll,
for I am the master of my fate, I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL.

And how fitting that on this night, I am more ready for this test than I have ever been throughout the course of these last three months. You see, in the darkness that is the unknown, I am thankful to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that I didn't manage to let law school take my soul from me. In Lady Justice's evil clutches, I have not let my emotions show to the general public and the tears I shed were in the privacy of my own home. And while my legal pursuits have roughed me up, I have yet to hang my head. After the bar, there is more darkness and unknown as I do not know where my life is headed. However, I am not scared, I embrace my uneasyness and am ready for whatever life (or the Texas Board of Law Examiners) may throw at me. Because it doesn't matter what you throw at me, nor how my past may come back to haunt me. I am acceptant of what I have done, and I know that God helps those who want to be helped. So with that said, I control my future, and I dictate what happens, although I know this is in God's hands now, I have done all I can.

So as I lay my head down to go to sleep, I would like to thank my prophytes of Alpha Sigma for teaching me, that I STARTED pledging on April 7, 2002, at 11:44:08 PM, my friends for their support and words of encouragement, my family for their love, support, and words of wisdom, my son for giving me the drive to continue, and last, but certainly not least, God, for giving me the ability to come this far, and a chance that I do not intend to waste...Kellen Daranda, ESQ is coming, I hope the world is ready for him...