My Time Has Come?

Okay, so I am approximately a week away from receiving the biggest news of my life (again) and unfortunately, I am on pins and needles.
After receiving my MPRE score from the July 2008 administration and my bar scores, I remarked via my facebook status that I was not going to beg the bar examiners for 14 points or ACT for 1 that I was just going to take them. So I approached both exams with a renewed fervor and my desire to succeed paid off with the March 2009 administration of the MPRE as I bested the score I was shooting for by 25 points. Usually, when one gets those types of "signs" their confidence level usually increases tremendously. However, the thing with me is that law school, its exams, and my attempts to become a licensed attorney, have taught me that despite my firm belief that God only answers the prayers of those who do the initial leg work before putting it all in His hands. The past year has humbled me into realizing that HIS will, not mine, will be done. The only problem is in the acceptance portion when the desires of one superseed the expectations of the other and vice versa.

I will not say that I wasn't prepared in July, I just have come to terms with the fact that it simply wasn't my time. Now, i'm faced with the daunting task of waiting to make my next move. And that's the worst part of attempting to gain certification in the legal profession, the wait. I cannot and will not question the will of my father, but I believe that I am ready. I have obtained the education, engaged in the preparation, and did my best on the bar exam. Furthermore, it seems as though everything is falling into place. I've passed the MPRE after 4 attempts, I've succeeded in gaining temporary employment in order to pay my bills, I have a strong possibility that I will be working with people that I trust, doing something I enjoy, and following a plan that I totally agree with, and most importantly my demeanor has been more upbeat lately. I wouldn't quite say that I have reached the plateau of happiness that I am searrching for, but I am damn close.

So if not now, then when? I have had conversations with friends, associates, frat brothers, and random people that I have met where they all express confidence in my abilities in knowing that I have passed this time around but I wonder why I can't feel the same way. As opposed to how I felt in october of last year, I will not say that I think I failed because I honestly do not believe that I did, but that damn "what if" has managed to creep into my thoughts yet again. What if I didn't pass? What if folks were only telling me that they believed in me because it was the right thing to do, not because they genuinely felt in such a manner? What if I have to move back home? What if? WHAT IF?

So i'm saying this now on April 24th, I believe that this is my time, my chance, and I intend to make the most of it. I have done all I could and will accept whatever comes my way the same as always, but it's in God's hands now and I'm okay with that!

It's About That Time

I have been wanting to write in my blog again for the longest. I wanted it to be more like a cyber journal (diary is kinda homo) because I have always looked at how unjudging and welcoming a pen and pad or keyboard and word processor can be as opposed to people. But I guess I'm not totally living my life on the up and up in order to turn my blog into a tell-all. Some of the things i do in my personal life are still no ones business other than my own. But then again, my blog is for my own release so why should I care who I hurt and what people think. I'll do better. But on to my posting for today.

About a month ago I went to see Slumdog Millionaire, a movie that impacted me when I first saw it, but with the turns that my life is encountering I'm really starting to get it. The movie opens with a title card displaying the following message; "Jamal Malik is one question away from winning 20 million rupees. How did he do it? (A) He cheated, (B) He's lucky, (C) He's a genius, (D) It is written." As applied to my life this statement would read;

Kellen Daranda is 12 days from getting one step closer to happiness. How did he do it?

(A) He cheated
(B) He's lucky
(C) He's a genius
(D) It is written

In 12 days I am going to receive my results from my second sitting of the Texas State Bar Examination, and surprisingly I'm not nervous this time around. This is probably largely attributed to the fact that I believe in predestination, and the way everything is happening. This time, I approached the bar without the sense of inferiority I had before, believing that I was sub-par because I had graduated from Texas Southern. I came at it this time around, not looking to prove anything to anyone, but with everything to lose. I came to sit with the strong potential of employment, and with a threat that if I did not pass I would be forced to move back to New Orleans after 6 years of being out my parents house and in essence start all over. As much as I love New Orleans, and yearn to return, I intend to do so on my own terms.

But since that time, I have managed to find me a temporary job, that despite how tedious and boring it is, is still a pay check. INCOME, YAY! In addition to that, I passed the MPRE with a 110, managed to find me a bit of a social life, and have a strong possibility of not being single at the end of summer 09. Maybe its just my time to shine...

So What Are YOU Doing to Change it?

There was one thing that became a blatant eye opener to me from the time I first set foot into the Thurgood Marshall School of Law on the campus of Texas Southern University; a lack of pride. I came to TSU on my own accord among other schools particularly for my own personal need to get away, but also because of the love that I had felt for the five years I spent at Southern. I had been told by many people that all HBCUs have that same sense of comradery like what I experienced at Southern, and I did see it at TSU, well on the undergrad side at least. At TSU I met many different personalities and people that were down for the cause and actually bled maroon and grey. However, once you cross Tierwester, the attitudes of TSU's students change. The comparison between each of the attitudes can actually be seen on blog postings. I would like to offer for review the blog of a former Ms. Texas Southern University (http://savethetigers47.blogspot.com) as compared with an alumni of the law school (http://ibedamn.blogspot.com).

On Save The Tigers, you can see the thoughts of a concerned alumni who expresses the pride that comes with being proud to say that one attended that school. While her blog may stir some people up, she is just expressing her opinion of recent matters that have affected the university and using her blog as the gateway to her expressions. She has not resorted to childish bantering or name-calling when she disagrees with the administration of the university, and shows a maturity level far beyond her years.

Compare that with I Be Damn in which a former law student sits and talks about the current administration of Texas Southern University while neglecting to offer any realtime solutions for the problems that have been experienced. My momma always told me that family business is best when kept in house, but I guess this person was not privy to a similar upbringing because they insist on airing the dirty laundry of TMSL. The person even remarks about TMSL's low bar passage rate, and the dirty looks they receive when they tell others that they were educated at Thurgood for law school. I wonder if they even wanted to go to TSU in the first place?

But such is the beauty of HBCUs in my opinion, they all have their problems just like any PWI, but it is my opinion that if we actually had alumni like most PWIs have, then we would be able to better resolve the issues that alumni have with administration as well as help current students with their plight in receiving their education and the collateral matters that come along with that. I mean damn, I get the same dirty looks when I say that I attended TSU for law school, and I also failed the bar. Does that make me any less of a lawyer? THe time has come for us to stand up and embrace where we went to school, like it or not. Because until people get to know us personally, they will always let our affiliations define us. If you aren't willing to help change it, then you should just politely shut what they call the fuck up!

Love Is...

So after consulting with a few friends during the past week I’ve come to a realization in my own life. I guess its one of those epiphanies that one isn’t expected to have at the tender age of 26, or while one is studying for a particular examination that pretty much dictates how you’re future in the legal profession will pan out. However, those who I have tagged as avid readers of my Facebook notes know that I gain a lot of relaxation from posting to here as well as my blog. So continue to keep me in your prayers for the bar, I’m much more confident this time around in my ability to pass, but allow me this release without any scolding and just open up your mind to some things…

The older I get it the more I realize how well my parents did in my upbringing. Not to toot my own horn or anything like that. But I like how they have instilled in me the same values that they have themselves, and have used their own mistakes as boundaries for me to pursue whatever it is that I desire. It is because of Anthony and Enola that I have the kind of feelings that I do in regards to family, and it is also because of these feelings that I am envious of them. The year 2009 will see the two mentioned above celebrate 29 years of marriage and 36 years of being in each other’s life. At a young age I was determined that my life was supposed to go in a similar manner, but maturity has helped me realize that the means that propels me to such an end is not important, as long as it gets me there.

So in seeing my parents, as much as they may be at each other’s throat, or disagree on the most menial of things, it is refreshing to see two people that are in love after so much time. Which brings me to the point of this note, why is it that my parents have succeeded where so many have failed. And why is it that our generation has failed. If you would look at statistics or talk to an attorney who specializes in divorce and dissolution of property, you can see that in this day and age, greater than 50% of all marriages entered into ultimately fail. My question is “why?” My initial answer is that people are marrying for the wrong reasons.

Many of my friends who have parents and grandparents who are still together will remark that times have changed. However, I am a child of the old school, and I believe that the more things change, the more they remain the same. While it is true that the days of shotgun marriages are over, and that we are free to “move around” after sowing our oats with another and not being pressured into marriage because of a child, how come so many of those marriages have worked when those of free will meet their demise? One would expect that a forced union would not work, however these people faced with the possibility of social rejection frequently made something out of nothing, making the best of things and learning to love a person that they were forced to be with. Despite the initial reasons for their union it became held together by love. Somewhere in our exponential advancement we strayed from the ideology that boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married, boy and girl raise a family. Many of us fail in our relationships and marriages when we think we are in love because we have no idea what love is.

Love is defined by Random House dictionary as: (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; (2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; (3) sexual passion or desire. In an era where many of us have alluded dating to a job interview with its set of prerequisites, desired qualifications, salary requirements and things of that nature, it is of no wonder why marriage statistics are in the uproar that they are presently in. While we can all agree on the first definition given for love, too often we found ourselves gaining that kind of affection for another based upon biased thoughts such as those found in (3). But I think most who search for love and are upset with what they have found in the midst of their search, and have not looked at the comparisons offered in (2).

To me, love is an unwavering feeling in a person toward someone else that is unfaltering and without limit. It means accepting a person as they are, wanting them to do better, but without damage to that feeling if they are unable to change what you would like them to. Its where you put up with all the things about that person that you may not like, however inconvenient they are to you, even though it may affect actions they take, or the things that they may require, the same way we would do for a parent, child, friend, or family. We all can identify with the strange and ridiculous things that our TRUE friends, family, parents, and children do, but we manage to care for them the same, yet when our significant other does something of that magnitude, we usually run for the hills. In similar situations many will remark “you have no say over who’s your family.” But actually you do have a choice to get rid of such people, the reason you don’t is because you love them. (For those of you who have renounced members of your family, I would advise you to seek Jesus.) We don’t turn our backs on those that we love just because it’s convenient to do so. We stay the course, doing what we can to make things work, and if it fails to work out the way we hoped or anticipated, we can have no regrets because we gave it our all. That’s what love is, caring about a person more than we do for ourselves.

For those of you who are unable to find love, I wonder if it’s because you don’t know what love is and find yourself in a false sense of reality with someone based upon material or physical attributes that that person may possess. My advice to you would be to sit down, digest the food for thought that I have given you, and figure out what your definition of love is. If it is similar to the one I have given you, stop being so selfish with matters of the heart. Love as if you’ve never been hurt before, because the only time someone worth your tears will cause you to cry is in an instance where they are crying themselves. That, my friends, is love!

We've Lost Our Killer Instinct...

On yesterday I checked my email and I noticed a blip on the yahoo news screen about a girls high school team beating their opponent 100-0 in basketball. The story of which can be seen here talks of how the coach of the winning team is feeling remorseful about beating another school by 100 points. However I don't think that he should have to. In a society where we give out participation trophies, and believe that children should never have their feelings hurt, i don't see how people even wonder how America has lost the supremacy it once had 50 years ago. We are too accommodating to people in order to make them feel better about their shitty lives. We have mercy rules, and it seems to be good sportsmanship to let a team have it easy. I remember when I played sports in high school, it was always easier to accept a blow out then a close loss, so I wonder what that does to a child's self-esteem if you don't pad the score. For instance its gentlemanly in professional football to just run the ball late in the game in order to run the clock. But I feel like Bill Belichick, if you can't stop me, then why should I baby you and stop my game plan. Either you should have planned better for the game, or you shouldn't be on the field. Yes, I'm a fan of running up the score, and not taking it easy. Because of people taking it easy, you have idiots on American Idol who really think that they can sing and they they cry their eyes out when the judges tell them that they actually cannot. People need to be pushed to do better, in that respect, competition is healthy. We talk about how bad the education system of this country is, but what's the next step to tell A students not to do so well to make the C/D students feel better? GIVE ME A BREAK!

You Just Do You...

“Niggas fear what they don’t understand, hate what they can’t conqueror, guess that’s just the theory of man.” - Nas

It’s funny how I’ve always been a glutton for compliments but its weird how one can receive the same compliment some 7 years apart and take it in totally opposite ways. Shortly after I became initiated into Kappa Alpha Psi, someone stopped me outside of the Union at Southern to tell me that she was proud of me for not letting Kappa change me. Instead of seeing that she was commending me for remaining true to myself I took offense to the statement responding, “I’ve been me for 19 years, what the fuck was I supposed to become.” However, I think I’ll attribute my crude response to the two I’s that frequently cause us all to shake our heads in disdain at the words that sometimes come out of our mouths; ignorance and immaturity. Now that the fraternity is no longer new to me, I’ve had a hand in bringing in 51 brothers, and was at Southern for a tenure where 81 brothers were made by the Alpha Sigma Chapter, I have seen that everyone is not man enough to define their affiliations. The way I felt, I didn’t need the fraternity to define me, I had already established a satisfactory level of popularity on all the levels that are prominent in undergrad, my classmates regarded me as an intelligent force to either be reckoned with (in the case of my honors classes) or just a smart dude, women considered me cute, and the people that lived in the vicinity of my dormitory saw me as a “cool lil dude.” So I was happy with the identity I had carved out for myself, because it was me. Some remark that college is a chance to start all over and be whoever you want to be, but that’s never been something that I wanted to do, because I’ll always be me. As a result, I took offense to a compliment that only yesterday had me smiling from ear to ear.

David Ruffin was so profound in saying “I’ll never change,” that Sean Carter sampled the same lyrics close to 30 years later, and I feel the same as both of these revolutionary music artists. I have always said that any level of success that one can hope to attain is not worth it if you cannot recognize the person who stares back at you in the mirror. So I’ve lived my life in such a manner, remaining adamant to the statement that one cannot judge a book by its cover. And my devotion to proving others wrong is what has propelled me to be successful when I had been perceived as too hood to be at Franklin, too smart to be at Southern, and a bit too rebellious to conform to the rigorous expectations of a career in the legal field. But I remain cautious as to the folks that I allow to see my true colors. And I guess that’s why my writing is so much of a relaxation, so much from the S.O.U.L. (shameless plug I know), because I don’t have to seek the paper’s approval and the pen is just happy that I’m allowing him to do what he was made to do. I’ve never managed to seek acceptance from not too many people other than my mother, but it bothers me when people just don’t get where I’m coming from. But why should I expect them to, most of the people who were brought up the way I was don’t think in the manner that I do. And most who are on the same echelon with me both intellectually and educationally can’t understand some of my mannerisms and passions. But in the end, that’s just me.

A classmate and friend of mine (because it would be an insult to just put this person in the “associate” category) told me that he enjoys reading my postings because of the passion that exudes from my words and the genuine glances I give people into my mind. He said that he considers me an inspiration because despite what life has thrown at me I manage to remain true to myself and my postings are testament to that. This comes from someone who I was guilty of prejudging when I first met him. I guess it was because there where things about him that just rubbed me the wrong way, and perception can be the kiss of death when you interact with me. However, in getting to know this person better, I have found out that he and I are a lot alike. In the end, we are both going to do what we feel most comfortable doing, and if you don’t like it, then frankly, fuck you! I guess my accelerated maturity has caused me to see the error in my ways in perceiving such a compliment as an insult 7 years prior, but maybe that was due to the fact the original comment came from someone I considered a follower, and not a leader like myself. Jo, I want to thank you for having a wonderful mind and the ability to see the same in others. Your kind words definitely inspired me, and I am thankful. We can’t change the world, but if we remain true to who we are maybe one day people will follow this bold lead and we can do our part to change society in some respects.

I know that I definitely have someone who understands and feels my passion and considers it an inspiration, and in the end that’s enough for me. I’m content with being hated and feared as opposed to loved and respected because I bring truth. So go ahead haters; you just do you, and Imma do me!

I WAS THERE...

Unfortunately for me, a few other million people were able to say the same thing. We who braved an 11 Degree wind chill, and walked for miles around the National Mall to be a part of history will not ever forget the moment when an admittedly black man took the Oath of Office to become the 44th President of the United States of America. I awoke at 4AM on the morning of January 20, 2009 with the fervor of a child who wanted to see what Santa brought him on December 25th. I will admit that I knew of several people who had descended on the District of Columbia just to be in that number. Not the number of those who like myself had to be there to personally witness this event become etched into the history of the United States, but those who came out to kick it in Love, Park, and various other venues, who came out in search of some celebratory joog, or whatever social reason's that their trip to the Nation's Capital was based upon. I despised those folk to the point that I had labeled this historic event as the "Inniggeration." I hoped that I was wrong for thinking that this level would amount to the level of debauchery that has plagued that last few NBA All-Star weekends, and indeed I was. Some of the "E.R.s" were out, dressed as if it was a fashion show, fighting in Love, and more concerned with the sights of seemingly-attractive members of the opposite sex, but that did not destroy the sanctity of January 20th. Besides, I hadn't seen much that caused me to shake my head in disbelief on the shortcomings of my ethnic group, nor did I hear of anything that ruined the spirit of this great event.

Unlike others in attendance at the National Mall, I chose not to remark that "Yes We Did," rather "Yes We Can," because as Obama alluded to in his Inauguration Address, there is still work to be done. However, 43 years after Dr. Martin Luther King addressed a crowd of 250,000, Barack Obama doing the same at the same venue to a crowd several times that size let us know that change indeed has come. Never before had I witnessed an audience of that size, nor have I ever been a part of such a magnitude, but the beauty in seeing many different races, ethnicities, nationalities, and faiths all assembled together has got to be a rush for any human being. And that it was for me. Anytime anyone speaks of Barack's Presidency, whether positive or negative, their first remark will be that he, like many other African-Americans before him, shattered a barrier, and an unmatched feeling will come over my body as I remark simply "I was there when it all happened."