I have finally figured out what's up with me and my search to obtain a girlfriend and potentially a wife, my heart still has the initials AMB engraved on it. And that was my gift and my curse. The gift that I had found THAT chick, the woman who looked, acted, and dressed the way I found uber attractive. This same woman who valued family as much as I did and whom I couldn't see my life without. However, fate in the end had the last laugh, and she is no longer as integral of a part of my life as she once once was. Now in my pursuit for something new and something real, I have realized that in order for me to do that I need closure, on this statement so I'll just put everything out there, maybe I'll send her the link to read this, or maybe I'll just send it to her. But she definitely needs to read this...
My beloved Moodie,
There have been countless times when I have attempted to write you this letter where I either could not bring myself to push the "send" button, or ripped up the paper and threw the pieces away, but I think now I have the heart to do it, and face the music. There was a time when all I could do is think of you, when my day wasn't complete until I spoke to you, and I could spend hours looking at the collage I had of us on my bedroom wall. They say that time heals all wounds but five years have passed since the day you told me that my life had no choice but to continue on without you, and I'm still not whole. You were the first woman I opened up to, the first one I could not envision life without. It's just time that I told you everything...
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was by Joseph's house the night before we were going to take a weekend trip to Astroworld and I asked Jennifer to throw me on one of her friends. She asked me what I liked and I told her I wanted something short, light-skinned, thick, with long hair and an attitude, and she proceeded to put me in contact with you. BOY DID SHE GET THAT ONE RIGHT! I remember we spent all night on the phone and I talked to you all that weekend from the ride to Houston, while there, and on the way back. The following weekend I got the chance to see you at the Palace on Manhattan and we saw Scary Movie 2 on the 4th of July and I was singing praises to Jennifer because she had did a great job in hooking me up with what was supposed to be my summer fling. But we managed to be inseparable for the entire summer and I told you that I loved you before the end of July. That was the summer that changed the rest of my life.
Back to school in the fall was cool, we talked, hung out when I came home for the weekends, and we went through a slight downfall when I made line in the spring. But we got right back to business as usual that next summer. It was the next school year that caused us so much trouble. I remember how you wanted to be a Dancing Doll, and wanted to pledge Beta Psi, and remember when you, Ms. Claudia, and some of your friends came to visit Southern on my birthday in 2003. I still have the picture you and I took in Higgins Hall that day. But it was the events that happened soon after that which took the greatest toll on us. I often wonder what would have happened if I wasn't on this big ass kick about being a junior in college and 20 yrs old with an 18yr old girlfriend still in high school. If I would have taken you to the prom, would you have still signed up for the National Guard? If I wouldn't have gotten in that accident and almost died in May, would you have still realized that deep down inside you still love me? What happened to that?
My dear Kreampuff, what happened to us? I remember not being able to get in touch with you in the beginning of 2004 when you were supposed to be shipped off, and crying because I couldn't see you the day before you left. I also remember the joy I felt seeing your name on my caller-id that morning and thinking that u decided to go AWOL for me before I decided to call you back. I remember us going running together daily in an effort to help you lose the weight you needed to go off knowing that you may get shipped to Iraq and I may never see you again. I even remember 1.19.04 to Forever, do you? I remember the letters from Basic (all of which I still have), I remember you sneaking on the phone to call me, I even remember how that summer was filled with me, thinking about you, dreaming of you, and quitting smoking just for you. I remember the look on your face when I was there for your graduation from Basic, how you cried tears of joy and ran into my arms before you even saw your parents because I led you to believe that I wouldn't be able to make it. I remember how proud you were to introduce me to bunkmates, battle buddies, and your commanding officers as your boyfriend who was on his way to law school, and how I was supposed to attend LSU while you were at Southern and how I found us a two-bedroom town house right outside LSU's campus, how I had planned to give you Kennedy Alexis or Kellen Anthony II to ensure the Army wouldn't take you from me.
But then, it became apparent to me how the Army wouldn't get the chance to take you from me, because little Miss Moodie would do it by herself. During your stint in AIT, the phone calls slowed, you were too busy for me, I even had to harass you to be there for me when I got my results from the LSAT, and you didn't even find out about how well I did until the day after. I did my part, I got into law school, I found us a spot, all I needed was you. I even remember sitting in my car crying after the disappointing results from the Southern University 2004 Homecoming Greek Show, when I found out that the love of my life was home, but didn't want me to come see her. That she was breaking up with me, and my life was now in shambles. So I did what anybody else who was not used to pain would do, I ran. I decided to go to Texas to pursue my legal career, in an attempt to forget about you, and bury the pain deep inside hoping another would never do me like that and start over. How could the one I gave my heart to treat me so cold?
But your memory remained. I remember adding you to my list of worry in my first semester of law school as I watched the horror Katrina inflicted on our beloved New Orleans. I remember the fear I had knowing you were still down there with your unit, I remember praying for your safety daily when I learned you were in the Superdome, and I remember the joy I felt everytime I got the chance to hear your voice and know that you were okay. I had a girlfriend my first year of law school and I remember breaking up with her because I told her that I had mentally cheated on her during Homecoming 2005 when we danced the entire night at the Kappa party, how we spent most of the morning talking in my car, and how I kissed you goodbye at your post in Baton Rouge. I remember helping you with your Blackboard assignments while you were at SUNO, and how I just wished you would realize that I would do anything for you and would take you back like nothing had ever happened, but all this was for naught. I remember seeing you in the House of Blues sometime in 2006 and crying on the walk back to my car while Mark wrapped his arm around me because it was then that I thought I had finally come to grips with the fact that you and I were just not meant to be. But later that year, specifically the Halloween party at Metro, I remember seeing you and how everything I once felt for you came back. I remember how you told me that you were jealous of Erica because she had my first-born, something that you wanted to give me, and how I tried in vain to explain to you that you were the one who fucked that up, and while you couldn't give me my first-born, we can still spend the rest of our lives together. But what you don't know is how intimidated Erica is by you. How she was mad at me when I told her on January 19, 2004 that I couldn't see her anymore because you and I were going to make things work, and we were going to get married and see forever together. She and I only started kicking it again once you left me. Do you realize that she went through my camera and deleted the picture that you and I took in Metro that night, and also deleted the picture from my computer? She knew that she couldn't compete with you and despite how bad she wanted me, she could never have me as long as I still had AMB engraved on my heart. Its funny how you never saw that but the mother of my son did.
In the 8 years I have been knowing you, no one has ever been able to hold a candle to you. You are my version of perfection, and although I like to tell people that perfection shitted on me, I would take you back without any hesitation, even if it meant that you would be living in New Orleans, while I was in Houston. I can't be mad at you because you cheated on me, hell, before January 19, 2004, I cheated on you, a lot. I don't know if you knew that or not but I had to come clean. I also need to come clean on a lot of other shit; I still have every letter that you have ever sent to me, and every picture that we have ever taken (aside from the ones I gave you that ol boy destroyed), I still even have the bee you gave me in 2001 from when you were the bee at Prep. I still hold that Coach heart keychain you gave to me before you left as one of my dearest possessions, and its still on my keys, the same place it has been since 2004 because I feel like if I have your heart, you can't get rid of me. But maybe if you give me my heart back I can give you yours. Kreampuff, I love you, I loved you when I was 18 years old, and I still love you at 26, nothing has changed, however, I need closure with this and stop holding on to a future that may never be. I never envisioned life without you, but in the 5 years that I have spent without you, I have been nothing less than unhappy. I can't seem to find happiness in a relationship because I think everyone will leave me, but I hold none of that against you. As I stated earlier, I would take you back in a heartbeat like only a few months have passed rather than a few years. I can't stop smoking those cigarettes that you hate because they are always there for me when I need them. I just wanna smile for real again. The only thing in my world that makes me happy is Kaiden, everything is disappointment. I need to be happy again, and I wish you were the one to make me feel that way. However, in the event that you are unwilling to try again with me, please let me know so that I can finally move on. I tell B Carroll, Erin, and Tracey everytime I see them how much I miss you, I always ask about you, and I ask them to hook me up with you relentlessly, but now its time for me to express all this to you. I'm a big boy so please don't worry about hurting my feelings anymore than you already have, just give me a response to what I told you, and in the event that you feel our history was just a dumb mistake, let me know so I can proceed with life and give my all to another, and we can possibly be friends one day.
Yours, but not always anymore,
Fatbutt
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