Man, its been forever and a day since I've posted and I really need to vent. As usual, its one of those personal posts that I probably should enclose in the password protected contents of my MacBook, but I need to make sure I dont forget it, be able to go back and read it, and who knows, I might just want to share it with someone one day.
About eight years ago, while applying to law school, my personal statement echoed my own sentiment that I could find a poem, song, movie, or television show to verbalize my thoughts, and tonight was one of those nights. My girlfriend of the past 21 months and I have been going through our own set of personal issues and I thought we were making progress until I watched tonight's episode of The Game. In that episode, Malik stepped into his mother's therapy session and the psychiatrist went into Malik's maternal issues that reminded me of my own relationship issues. Malik is afraid to express himself because he's afraid of Tasha acting out in a way that would hurt his feelings because he hurt his mother, and that's the way I feel about my girl. I feel trapped...unable to express myself and my views on things because I'm afraid of how she'll react. And like Malik, the world views me as a strong, independent, well-defined man, but I don't feel like that around my woman, I feel emasculated, that I have to do what she wants and accept what I don't like or I'll lose her. But WHY?
Ive never had too much of a problem finding a woman, and not just scallywags, women that other men would lust over and use as motivation for a late night fap session. Not only that, I'll admit that I know women who are sexier and more attractive than my girl, but I have never experienced someone who loves me THIS much. Only problem is, she loves me more than I do her. So I put up with this shit, because I believe in karma and think that I've probably broken so many hearts in my day that this might be it for the kid. I'm getting older, fatter, and losing hair, nobody would really want me, right? I mean the only issue with our relationship is twitter, which I have used to be my uncensored take on the world, free from judgment, and not really giving a fuck if my followers did judge me. I get yelled at because of the thirsty heauxs, not because Im trying to fuck them, but because I agree with some of their sentiments or because I ridicule them, which I dont really understand. So I dont tweet as regularly as I used to, I no longer blog, I just try to keep a smile on her face, because you know what she deserves it.
But what do I deserve? I deserve to not be questioned, to get my things on track, to find a woman that will help me to achieve the greatness that I know I am capable of. Because like Malik, my goal in life has always been to get out of the hood and make a name for myself but how can I when I feel TRAPPED?
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