This Can't Be Life

It is officially 5:02 AM CST, July 18, 2008, and the Texas State Bar Examination is approximately 11 days away. While I try not to think about this upcoming date for fear of suffering from a nervous breakout, I shake my head in disdain when I look at what my life has become in a matter of 4 years. And the sad part is that I can’t even blame myself for this one. Okay, as a man I have to take responsibility for the fact that I finish every activity I engage in, but the initial decision was not my own. I recall the fall semester of 2003 in which my line brothers Ivy and Myron managed to talk into my head the possibility of doing engineering work absent math; patent law. While I had my doubts about law school the two managed to present me with flattery stating that I was one of the smartest people they know and how despite my argumentative nature, I had always managed to structure my arguments around readily accessible evidence and dismissed counter-arguments that were based on personal opinion. I guess maybe that’s that inner-spoiled-brat coming out, but I am not totally opposed to compliments if one is trying to talk me into something! So I busted my ass studying for the LSAT, was granted admission to every law school I applied to only to discover than none of my line brothers who convinced me to pursue a legal career would be joining me, and neither would two others who long considered a legal profession. So I came to Houston seeking new experiences and knowing about 5 people when I touched down. I’m discontent with the lack of originality of Houston natives, discouraged by my inability to find a potential mate here, and scornful of the lack of genuineness exhibited by attorneys, law students, and their administrators and professors. So is this really life? Those who have spoken with me this summer can attest to my frequent demeanor in which I confess a hatred for what my life has become. 8-12 hours of studying daily, sometimes more (today I was at it from 1-4, 5-7, 8:30-12, and 1-5AM) with all the sporadic-ness of someone searching for something in the daytime with a flashlight. Maybe this aint meant to be, but with the cost of a luxury automobile ($110,000) in loans, forgive my French but, this shit gotta work, there isn’t room for anything else…I don’t know what I expected from a legal career as it wasn’t my decision to pursue, but now that I’m here, I’m stuck feeling like Jay; “This can’t be life, this can’t be love, this can’t be right, there’s gotta be more, this can’t be us.” I rarely know what day it is (the week or the month), I miss my son, and I just want something else…Please tell me there’s more…