I know its probably cliche to write a note like this on the last day of the decade, but since when did I care that much about what people think? The years 2000-2009 saw Kellen go from 16-26, from a boy to man. In that time I graduated three times, became a father, pledged, and had many other experiences that shaped me into who I am today. This is my attempt to refrain from sending out one of those dumb ass traditional New Year text messages that say something like "I can't imagine life without you and I want to let you know that I love you before 2010 gets here." Naw, eff that, my friends have had a tremendous impact on my life the past 10 years, some of them more than what they know, and I just wanted to share my experiences, THAT is how I plan to tell them all that I LOVE YOU. For other people that have impacted my life and are reading this note, thank you for getting me through the past 10 years...
The first decade of the 21st century and the 3rd millennium was brought up with all kinds of hype. The Y2K bug was supposed to end life as we knew it and all I wanted to do was survive so I could graduate high school and go to college. Well as the clock struck 12:00AM on January 1, 2000, everything was still the same in the streets of New Orleans; I still made sure my mom was the first person I kissed happy new year’s, the firecrackers were still going off, and ignorant niggas were still shooting in the air, prompting my family to rush us inside for a few minutes. *Sigh,* life in the city. Well its funny that the same anticipation that saw me begin this decade is the same that I'm ending it with. Confused about life, not knowing what to expect, but optimistic about the future, and prepared for it even if it doesn't pan out the way I anticipated. Such was my shock after learning soon after the beginning of the New Year that I would not be receiving a scholarship to Morehouse College and me and Kyle would not be roommates. As disgusted as I was that I would be going to college at Southern because I let Franklin convince me that it was a sub-par institute of higher education, I had fun there and met a lot of people which have impacted me greatly over the past decade.
Well the remainder of the year of 2000 saw me graduate from high school and leave the only world that I had known for the past four years, remaining optimistic that more than 50 members of my high school class would be 15 minutes away at LSU, however I kept in frequent contact with less than 10 of those, which may be my fault or it may be theirs, but aint no love lost. On the other hand, college in general, Southern in specific was a horse of a whole 'nother color. Southern spoiled me in seeing daily fashion shows in the way that people were attired for class, and that probably is the reason for my closet looking the way it does today. Southern also taught me alot about the opposite sex, I learned that all women aren't ladies, and that women actually fart and go "boo boo." (Don't judge me, I dunno why I thought girls stopped going number 2 after being babies). My freshman year ended with a bang and a 3.75 GPA (HELLER!!!) and that summer I met someone who flipped my world upside down and inside out the likes of which I still haven't recovered from.
On February 3, 2002 I entered in the gates of hell and didn't leave there until April 7. But from my time in the "clank," I earned 18 more blood brothers, countless other half/step brothers, a constant support system and more meaningless sex than I could have ever imagined, lol! From then on college was no longer about class it was like people see in the movies with parties, roadtrips, and frat boys running after women. May 17, 2003 was another day that I will always remember because I got in a car accident that left me comatose for 3 days. I learned then that I was here for something great because God could have left me on the side of I-12. That experience also showed me how many people's lives that I had impacted, and the true meaning of friendship. But I didn't slow down from the life I was living previously, once I regained my health it was sex, drugs, alcohol, and school (when time permitted) and the boring routine of roadtrips, football, and parties in the fall, and uhh "teaching" boys in the spring. But I still graduated with a 3.2 in Electrical Engineering (okay it was really a 2.8, but THANK GOD for Repeat/Delete), and moved on to Law School.
The quest to law school was kind of troubling in its inception, because it was more of a get rich quick scheme than a career change. I was sold on an idea that I knew nothing about only because the idea came from someone I trusted. But I grinded out the whole studying for the LSAT and even had someone be there for me in case I had to deal with disappointment with my scores. Unfortunately, not having my significant other be there for me when I needed her the most and our ensuing breakup brought me to Texas. Now that I look back on it, I should have went to LSU law. Then I finished Southern and in the course of saying my goodbye to a certain someone, started a whole new chapter in my life.
Then tragedy came through with Katrina and the news of being a father all in my first semester of law school, but I remained dutiful to the task at hand and finished law school Mother's Day weekend 2008. I know that has to be one helluva gift to see your son graduate from college twice on two separate Mother's Day weekends. But what my mom doesn't know, many of you I tagged in this note do. Yall know about me almost failing out of law school and the guidance yall helped me with in that struggle, I am thankful to have such good friends. The same friends who provided me with comfort on the weeks leading up to the happiest day of my life April 19, 2006. The same friends who helped me through questioning my own manhood and wondering if I were ready to be a father. The same friends who were there when my family lost everything again on December 29, 2006. Those same friends who pushed me in my darkest hour when I failed the bar in July of 2008, and rose to triumph in February of 2009. Those same friends who were there for me the five times when I failed the MPRE.
Yet, 2009 was a good year as I think about it, I saw the first black President get sworn in while it was 11 degrees outside, I saw Alpha Sigma win chapter of the year and its 2nd straight Bayou Classic Step Show win. In this decade I've been to Mexico twice, L.A., St. Louis, Charlotte, Tallahassee, Atlanta, Charleston, Detroit, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Little Rock, Natchez, Memphis, Birmingham, D.C., Philadelphia, and a few other places I can't remember, and at least one person that this note is dedicated to had something to do with all of those trips. So on the eve of a new decade, I am thankful to have such great friends and with all of you taking this trip down memory lane with me, hope you will be there with me to compare this decades to others in the future, to laugh at the shortcomings that we saw this decade, and to blow the joys we shared out of the water. I'm sorry for being so long winded in my typical fashion, but I had to let you know that I appreciate you all for being there. I close by saying, Happy New Year, I Love You, and I just wanted to take the time out to let you know that you are appreciated!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
It's About to Be One of Those Nights...
I dunno what time blogger puts on my postings, but it is currently 2:16 AM, and it's looking like it about to be one of those nights. Since the age of 13 I've been an expert on making a girl/woman fall in love with me, but I'm unsure of how to keep them in love with me. Those who frequent my blog have seen that I am on the process to reformation, and the first step according to most of those __-step programs is admitting that you have a problem. My first confessional posting had an entire bullet point focused on me, the fact that I love the thrill of the chase and don't feel as though I'm boyfriend or much more husband material. I have decided to clean my slate because as the old folks say, once you tell one lie, you are doomed to keep lying in order to keep things in perspective. And that's what I've fallen victim to. I'm not as successful as I envisioned in my career choice, and I think it's time for me to just cut my losses, move back home, and figure out my next move in the comfort of my parents' home. Admitting that one is a failure is hard enough, but how can I be successful when I have so much going on in my personal life?
The only one that I can blame for my personal shortcomings is myself. Since I starting courting females at the age of 13, I have been labeled as a heart breaker. Hell, it's safe to operate in such a manner, I don't get hurt, and I get what I need. Being the self-proclaimed expert of the chase that I see myself as, I know the well isn't going to run dry anytime soon. Maybe that's why i don't value female company as much as I should, because I know that I can always find another one. But with me knowing that I am unappreciative, selfish, and out for Kellen, then how was I (un)lucky enough to get two "great" women at the same point in time? Then again, I'm not sure either of them were/are that great, because they are just the best options at this point in time. I thought I made my mind up in who I wanted, and in order to get us to that level that we need to be find myself telling her the truth about my intentions from jump and how they have changed as of now, but she blew up. Now, I'm not mad at her for blowing up, more so mad at myself for even treating her in such a manner. I had been warned about the type of person she was, and I should have known better when I saw for myself that I was not seeing the person whom she was described to be. She had been hurt, just like me, but instead of taking it out on the next person, she was woman enough to give me and love a chance and let go. But I was playing her to the left for the longest, so what that I was ready for what she wanted from me all along it was too little, too late. I'm going to cut my losses with that one, appreciate what she has shown me, send her some flowers and an "I'm sorry" card to her job tomorrow and let be whatever will be.
But the plot thickens...When I told the "make believe cheater" about this pseudo "half-life" that I have been living, she met me with a response of "it's okay, baby, I still love you." She was forgiving, understanding, and even said that my personal life is the reason why I can't be successful in my career. WOW!!! She is still supporting me after I told her that I'm with her when I come home and occasionally when she comes here, but for most of the time when I am in Houston, there is someone else in my life. I know hat she and I aren't done talking but I intend to tell her when I get back to New Orleans of how full of shit I am and that despite the lies I tell, and how hard I try to fake the funk, that I am still a work in progress and am nowhere near as ready for a relationship as I would allude to. I think my problem with both women is that they have catered to my weaknesses, women (specifically sex), money, and clothes. Both give me love and sex, both help me out in turn financially, and both buy me clothes. Because of that my vision is clouded, and I tend to re-examine the lot and forgive things that I consider unforgivable in order to give me the sanctity I need for a long term relationship.
Now I have dug myself into a deep hole, and have no one to blame but myself. But I have accomplished the clarity that I needed in my confessions. I now know that I'm not ready for a relationship, period. I need to fix myself first and straighten up my own house before inviting someone over for dinner. I no longer plan on rushing things...let God's will be done, not that of my own. Dammit, Kellen, I thought we learned this lesson this time last year...
The only one that I can blame for my personal shortcomings is myself. Since I starting courting females at the age of 13, I have been labeled as a heart breaker. Hell, it's safe to operate in such a manner, I don't get hurt, and I get what I need. Being the self-proclaimed expert of the chase that I see myself as, I know the well isn't going to run dry anytime soon. Maybe that's why i don't value female company as much as I should, because I know that I can always find another one. But with me knowing that I am unappreciative, selfish, and out for Kellen, then how was I (un)lucky enough to get two "great" women at the same point in time? Then again, I'm not sure either of them were/are that great, because they are just the best options at this point in time. I thought I made my mind up in who I wanted, and in order to get us to that level that we need to be find myself telling her the truth about my intentions from jump and how they have changed as of now, but she blew up. Now, I'm not mad at her for blowing up, more so mad at myself for even treating her in such a manner. I had been warned about the type of person she was, and I should have known better when I saw for myself that I was not seeing the person whom she was described to be. She had been hurt, just like me, but instead of taking it out on the next person, she was woman enough to give me and love a chance and let go. But I was playing her to the left for the longest, so what that I was ready for what she wanted from me all along it was too little, too late. I'm going to cut my losses with that one, appreciate what she has shown me, send her some flowers and an "I'm sorry" card to her job tomorrow and let be whatever will be.
But the plot thickens...When I told the "make believe cheater" about this pseudo "half-life" that I have been living, she met me with a response of "it's okay, baby, I still love you." She was forgiving, understanding, and even said that my personal life is the reason why I can't be successful in my career. WOW!!! She is still supporting me after I told her that I'm with her when I come home and occasionally when she comes here, but for most of the time when I am in Houston, there is someone else in my life. I know hat she and I aren't done talking but I intend to tell her when I get back to New Orleans of how full of shit I am and that despite the lies I tell, and how hard I try to fake the funk, that I am still a work in progress and am nowhere near as ready for a relationship as I would allude to. I think my problem with both women is that they have catered to my weaknesses, women (specifically sex), money, and clothes. Both give me love and sex, both help me out in turn financially, and both buy me clothes. Because of that my vision is clouded, and I tend to re-examine the lot and forgive things that I consider unforgivable in order to give me the sanctity I need for a long term relationship.
Now I have dug myself into a deep hole, and have no one to blame but myself. But I have accomplished the clarity that I needed in my confessions. I now know that I'm not ready for a relationship, period. I need to fix myself first and straighten up my own house before inviting someone over for dinner. I no longer plan on rushing things...let God's will be done, not that of my own. Dammit, Kellen, I thought we learned this lesson this time last year...
Monday, November 23, 2009
Adonde Hacen Eso???
My last blog was one of confusion given the state of my personal "extra-curricular" activities, but I can proudly boast that it is getting better, at least in my mind. Well, I'm still in love with Ashley, gradually building up stronger and stronger feelings for Nicole, and starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now granted I said that I have been giving a woman in my life the cold shoulder, and she sends me a text the other night that read:
"I called you earlier but whatever. Let me clear my conscience. I lunch with a guy today. I really like him. Then we watch a movie and I fell asleep. When I woke up he ate my pussy and we messed around a bit but I couldn't bring myself to fuck him. I felt guilty cause I love you. I told him that I love you, I guess this is life :-/"
I looked at the text in awe, thinking wow, she was really serious about her saying that she would start to fuck around with other dudes if I didn't treat her as she so desired. But that's good tho, maybe she can do better than me, cause clearly I aint shit. Well, the next morning she calls, and of course I'm like whatever because I really don't know how to feel. On one hand I feel betrayed because someone done got close to my chick but on the other hand I feel like I brought it upon myself. So on that one hand I wanna call her all kinds of bitches and hoes and sluts, but then on the other I know I can't be upset because that's not my old lady, and I've been doing the same thing myself. So I'm torn and I just tell her that I have a lot to think about, and I will talk to her later, I'm not sure when later will be, but I will talk to her later. Last night she texts me back saying that she's sorry for acting like an asshole and starting confusion, that she made the whole thing up and it was a cry for attention. She wanted to piss me off because I've been pissing her off, and even admitted to the course of action's immaturity and apologized but I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm torn because I don't want to make a mistake with this decision, because I'm getting to the point where I want to settle down with one person, but I know I'm not ready for marriage. But damaging lies for the sake of attention, where they do that at? Do good women do that? Should I just let her fall by the waste side, or further this confusion in my life because she said she was sorry? Should I even believe her? Fuck, this wasn't a moment of clarity at all...
"I called you earlier but whatever. Let me clear my conscience. I lunch with a guy today. I really like him. Then we watch a movie and I fell asleep. When I woke up he ate my pussy and we messed around a bit but I couldn't bring myself to fuck him. I felt guilty cause I love you. I told him that I love you, I guess this is life :-/"
I looked at the text in awe, thinking wow, she was really serious about her saying that she would start to fuck around with other dudes if I didn't treat her as she so desired. But that's good tho, maybe she can do better than me, cause clearly I aint shit. Well, the next morning she calls, and of course I'm like whatever because I really don't know how to feel. On one hand I feel betrayed because someone done got close to my chick but on the other hand I feel like I brought it upon myself. So on that one hand I wanna call her all kinds of bitches and hoes and sluts, but then on the other I know I can't be upset because that's not my old lady, and I've been doing the same thing myself. So I'm torn and I just tell her that I have a lot to think about, and I will talk to her later, I'm not sure when later will be, but I will talk to her later. Last night she texts me back saying that she's sorry for acting like an asshole and starting confusion, that she made the whole thing up and it was a cry for attention. She wanted to piss me off because I've been pissing her off, and even admitted to the course of action's immaturity and apologized but I don't know what to believe anymore.
I'm torn because I don't want to make a mistake with this decision, because I'm getting to the point where I want to settle down with one person, but I know I'm not ready for marriage. But damaging lies for the sake of attention, where they do that at? Do good women do that? Should I just let her fall by the waste side, or further this confusion in my life because she said she was sorry? Should I even believe her? Fuck, this wasn't a moment of clarity at all...
Friday, November 20, 2009
It Is Written In the Stars
A few weeks ago a friend proposed that she had developed a computer program that takes and breaks down an individual's personality....here's mine and its kinda on the money
One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions.
Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It's difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop--they're generally on top of things. There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They'll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. "Be true to yourself" and "Don't follow the crowd" are mottos we easily associate with this sign. Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They'll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you're quirky and "different", all the better.
Short description:
He is independent, autonomous, and has progressive ideas.
Weaknesses: an unusual, rebellious and revolutionary spirit.
The work that you do, and the services that you offer, are very important to your sense of identity. In order to feel good about yourself, you need to be busy with daily activities and to produce work you can be proud of. Focus on finding a suitable and rewarding avenue for expressing this part of you, being extra careful to choose an occupation in which you can express yourself. You are sensitive to criticism about the work you do, and you work best when you can create your own schedule. Positive feedback for the services you render is important to you, but be careful not to over-identify with the appreciation you receive from others, as your work and your health suffers when you feel under-appreciated. Motivation to do a good job should come from within.
you to question tradition. You are, above all things, an individualist. You naturally rebel against that which is established. It doesn't mean that you consistently break all the rules, but you definitely do question some of the rules, especially those that simply don't make much sense. You possess a huge distaste for routine. You work best when you have some say as to when and how you get things done. You possess much self-integrity. You avoid labeling people and are most offended when others attempt to label or stereotype you.
You easily embrace new ways of doing things, you stick up for the underdog, and you express yourself in unique and inspiring ways. You don't have to try to stand out as unique--you are original, creative, and progressive without trying. You are far from pretentious. You value honesty and truth, and you avoid putting on airs. You believe in the equality of people, and easily relate to people from all walks of life. You possess an unmistakable enthusiasm about life, and generally your life is interesting because you invite unusual or adventurous experiences into your life. You are generally appreciated by others because you are open-minded, fair, and not judgmental. Nothing really seems to faze you! You take things in stride, and are rarely shocked or taken aback by human behavior.
He can face conflicts in life due to a projection of character that doesn't match what is on the inside. Misrepresentation of the self is frequent. He must strive to understand how others perceive him and work on presenting a more accurate persona to the world, or he will rub people the wrong way or feel unrecognized and misunderstood.
Some people with Virgo Moons are accused of being underachievers. While it may be true that Lunar Virgos can lack self-confidence, many are--quite simply--content with living "regular", unassuming lives. They appreciate simplicity, and are often most comfortable when they're not getting too much attention from the world at large. Lunar Virgos are easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. They worry incessantly when there is too much to think about; and they know their limits. Arguably the worst position for a Lunar Virgo is without a steady routine or a simply satisfying job. They need to feel useful, and they best express this by helping others in little ways. They need something to call their own, and the space to do what they want to do. The unhappy Lunar Virgos are fussy and complaining sorts. They are victims of routine and freak out when their plans are not followed. They are restless and nervous, and can't seem to see the big picture. Probably the best remedy for these people is a job or hobby in which they can express their deep need to analyze, attend to details, and micromanage.
These people express their affection for the people they care about in little, but practical, ways. They can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Lunar Virgos are often shy with new people. However, when they are comfortable, they are anything but shy. More often than not, others can count on Moon in Virgo people. They are reliable and trustworthy. Above all else, Lunar Virgos are practical. Others turn to them for help and advice. In relationships, Lunar Virgos can be self-effacing and kind. Some are quite shy in love, and easily intimidated on a sexual level. Many are not very comfortable with their sexuality, but they aim to please nonetheless. The sign of Virgo is very body-aware, in general. If this awareness combines with a lack of self-confidence, Lunar Virgos can be too aware of the parts that make up the whole. This can lead to a tendency to be intensely self-critical. Once Lunar Virgos learn to come out of their shell, however, they can be earthy partners with a lot to give.
Some of the most skeptical people are Lunar Virgos. They can't help but poke holes when faced with others' blind faith. Their criticism can be maddening, and their insistence on seeing the practical in anything emotional can be challenging, especially if you are the dreamy type. Virgo curiosity shows up big time with this position of the Moon. To some, it can be confusing. Lunar Virgos seem very interested in others' problems, for example, but can be quite cool and even unsympathetic in the long run. Their advice can seem hard to more sensitive folk; yet Lunar Virgos can be surprisingly delicate when faced with others' criticism. Virgo Moon people are generally busy and quietly happy when they have their lives under control. They aim for a simple existence, and are often quite content with very little. Many are early risers, ready to take on the day with enthusiasm. They scurry around, keeping busy and managing their life quietly and expertly. As long as their little world is manageable, Lunar Virgos can be a delight to be around.
Short description:
He has a very good memory. Scientific or medical studies preferred above all others. He is humble and moderate, calm and reserved. Emotional discipline. He is willing to help, devoted and gentle.
Weaknesses: servile nature, frequent changes of occupation, gets annoyed, upset, worries. He is too shy.
You can be quite expressive and animated in your speech. You have an outstanding memory and tend to pick up a lot of information from your environment. You love to chat and to exchange ideas. Even if you are shy, once you're friends, you love to talk about pretty much anything under the sun, and you enjoy sharing stories from your past! For the most part, you are focused on day-to-day activities in your communications rather than on grander philosophies. You are naturally curious and interested, and others find you very easy to talk to. You are accommodating and curious, but you are not as well equipped to handle heavy emotional demands. You thrive on change and variety. You might be a little addicted to gossip! More probably, however, you are simply very curious about others. There is a twinkle in your eyes, and you are never short on humor. You are playful and versatile--you make a fun companion and an interesting friend. You listen! Yes, you do talk and occasionally interrupt in your excitement, but you are a curious person who does want to hear what others have to say, and that is a real pleasure. In fact, you are more able than most people to get others talking, simply because you are very receptive and sympathetic. You pick up others' feelings and body language readily.
He lacks firmness, and can be a sucker for a sob story! He likes to live in a dream, in the world of imagination, and can hope so much that reality checks can be brutal.
Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.
Mercury in Capricorn
His mind compartmentalizes impressions, and he appreciates structure and order. The mind learns best when it can see practical uses for information. Resourceful, reflective, deep thinker: a fine and vivacious mind. Undertakes lengthy studies or, if circumstances do not allow, will teach himself. A rational person. Can be pessimistic, skeptical, and sarcastic, possessing a very sharp sense of humor. Notices everything.
Mercury in VI
Medical profession. Serviceable and generous nature. Meets their soul sister at work, or (if not) through family contacts.
Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.
Venus in Pisces
Venus in Pisces people project themselves as dreamy, soft-hearted partners. Everything about the way they flirt promises a lovely time. Theirs is an elusive charm -- they are sweetly playful, a little moody, and perhaps a little irregular. They appreciate romance and poetry, and they prefer to "feel out" both you and the relationship you share, so don't expect too much planning ahead. Their sensitivity can be a little misleading at times. Yes, they are sensitive folk, but lovers may find it maddening that this sensitivity is not only directed at them, but towards all of mankind. Venus in Pisces men and women want you to know that their love is unconditional. They are unimpressed by your status, and love and accept you for all that you are inside. They love the underdog and are attracted to wayward folks, or those in need of a little help. With their romantic view of the world, they can be unreasonably attracted to states of suffering and martyrdom, so they easily get into the role of saving someone, or being saved. Unlike Venus in Libra, which thrives on equality, Venus in Pisces is actually turned on by inequality! They can be rather confusing and hard to pin down as they feel their way through their relationships. As much as they may want to, they find it hard to commit. Many do end up committing, however, at least on the surface.
Pleasing Venus in Pisces involves enjoying tender moments and romantic times with them. You won't always be able to count on them. In fact, you can be sure they will stretch the truth every once in a while. But remember they do this because they fear they might hurt you, and they can't bear to cause you any heartache. Try to understand them, although that's never an easy task considering the fact that they don't always know themselves. And, truth is, some Venus in Pisces privately have a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood. Try to put up with their apparent lack of direction in the relationship -- they are so receptive and open to all possibilities that it is hard for them to commit to any one thing, idea, or even person. These intriguing partners will reward you with a love that is accepting and comes as close to unconditional as humans can get.
Venus in VII
His fate depends a lot on marriage. Marries for love, children, happy emotional life.
101 Conjunction Venus - Mars
He is amorous, not a peaceful and calm lover but a passionate one with a strong temperament. He is demonstrative in love, and likes healthy pleasures. He enjoys life to the full.
-88 Square Venus - Jupiter
He is nonchalant, pretentious, full of self-importance. He likes what is beautiful and sometimes ostentatious, and spends lots of money for the sake of appearances. He likes to please and has numerous amorous adventures. He is unfaithful and undergoes tribulations in love.
116 Trine Venus - Saturn
He has a good grasp of reality and of duty. He is thrifty, reserved and does not show off. He likes truth and justice. In love, his sentiments are sincere and deep, he never plays false. He is, of course, faithful in love and friendship. He can love a much older person and appreciates his intelligence and good sense.
-10 Square Venus - Uranus
He looks for new sensations in love and is often unsatisfied by affairs which quickly turn into purely conventional relationships. He likes novelty, adventure, the eccentric: he is frivolous, unstable, unfaithful. Marriage is not for him and, if he does throw himself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake. As a result of his numerous love affairs, he makes sure his line is continued.
61 Trine Venus - Pluto
His emotional and sex life is powerful and rich. He lives out truly passionate love affairs.
20 Sextile Venus - Midheaven
He has good taste, has an affectionate nature, his love is warm and deep, based on intellectual understanding and common tastes. His friends are useful in furthering his career.
Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.
Mars in Pisces
Mild-tempered and gentle, these guys and gals move through life in a manner that can hardly be considered direct. Mars is the planet of action and assertion, and Pisces is a passive sign that rarely asserts itself in a direct fashion. So the placement of Mars in Pisces is an unusual combination. Sometimes prone to feelings of guilt about their anger, and difficulties with asserting themselves, Mars in Pisces individuals seem to "go with the flow". This is certainly not a very active position for Mars, and natives will often let life "happen" instead of trying to control their life direction. This is a charming position, as individuals with Mars in Pisces don't appear like they are capable of harming a fly. However, those that don't find creative expression for this energy can stir up a storm through indirect aggression.
Mars in Pisces people are not averse to playing games to get what they want, although even they don't always know exactly what they do want! Their desires are changeable and moody, and it's hard to really know where these natives stand on any particular issue. Alternatively, some Mars in Pisces people do take a stand on issues that are Piscean in nature, making compassion and love their mission. Energy levels fluctuate a lot, coming in bursts of activity followed by inertia. Because it can be difficult to align this ebbing and flowing of energy in the day-to-day world as it is, finding a job that supports this may be tough. The happiest Mars in Pisces individuals are those that have a creative outlet that allow them to express their desires of the moment, their compassion--and even their anger--freely and imaginatively. An example of Mars in Pisces is Bono, lead singer of U2, who seems to have found the perfect outlet for his creativity through his music, and as a spokesperson for love and compassion.
Mars in VIII
Sexually very powerful, he is also capable of tremendous focus and hard work. Sexually intense and deep. Is adept at professions requiring research, strategy, uncovering truths, and analysis. Arguments may occur over inheritance.
-34 Square Mars - Jupiter
He refuses to accept any guidance. He lacks forethought, acts impulsively and sometimes imprudently, which can cause problems. He wants everything yesterday and uses whatever means necessary to achieve his objectives, even if they are dishonest or not very commendable. His emotional life is fraught with quarrels and sometimes violent conflicts.
12 Trine Mars - Saturn
He is energetic and determined. He has strength and resistance, ability and patience: he is tough, and sometimes insensitive, and puts all his energy and talents into overcoming all the obstacles to his success. He is obstinate, calculating, does not take on anything without having thought of all the possible consequences, he can take all the time in the world and never loses patience to achieve his objectives. He is not particularly popular in his circle, but is feared and respected.
-45 Square Mars - Uranus
He is full of contradictions. He is original, tending to the eccentric, violent, headstrong, impatient and irascible. He fights to the bitter end to overcome hurdles, and has the strength to overcome them.
Jupiter represents expansion and grace.
Jupiter in Sagittarius
He attracts the most good fortune when he is open-handed and generous, tolerant, and practices what he preaches. Can be inspirational, and find success in travel, education, teaching, sports, publishing, and foreign cultures.
Jupiter in IV
He likes and believes in justice. He is an optimist and is generous. Professional success is rapid and helped by the family. Family life is very important for him. He likes comfort, well-being at home. He knows how to entertain in style and above all with pleasure: his house is always open to friends.
394 Conjunction Jupiter - Uranus
He knows what's going on at a glance. He thirsts after knowledge, and is a good organizer. He is very independent, likes his freedom of action, is a non-conformist. He is very agreeable company and is always in demand.
25 Trine Jupiter - Ascendant
He likes meeting friends, around a good meal and in a cordial atmosphere. He is pleasant, jovial and engaging.
Saturn represents contraction and effort.
Saturn in Scorpio
Observant, self-controlled, unforgiving, tough, methodical, a researcher, an investigator. Lots of courage, self-assurance and can keep his cool.
Weaknesses: makes no concessions or compromises. He can become a fanatic of a creed, a party, work or a religion.
Saturn in III
His studies will be restricted. He is serious, discrete. He takes on mental tasks that require time and concentration. He travels little even though he likes it. He has few friends, who are, however, very close.
104 Conjunction Saturn - Pluto
He perseveres, achieves his projects through hard work.
-62 Opposition Saturn - Midheaven
He must struggle a lot and work hard to achieve his aims. Although confronted by discouraging circumstances, he knows how to set off again and continue the fight.
Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.
Uranus in Sagittarius
He is shy, delicate but proud, bold and lively.
Uranus in IV
He is very independent. His independence begins vis-...-vis the family circle. He does not like bureaucracy, administration, and has problems as a result. He has avant-garde ideas, he is original and does not tolerate constraints on his freedom.
17 Trine Uranus - Ascendant
He is always changing, is unstable. He is ready to innovate, to change everything. He is inventive.
Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.
Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.
Neptune in V
Extravagant love affairs, great passions.
42 Sextile Neptune - Pluto
Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.
Pluto in Libra
Looks for new ways to relate to others.
-5 Opposition Pluto - Midheaven
He abuses his power, crushing others in order to achieve his objectives. He risks losing everything and having to start from scratch.
House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.
Aquarius ascendant Leo
Ascendant in Leo
Leo rising people cannot help but be noticed. They radiate a special energy and magnetism that gets others' attention. Sometimes it's because they are loud people who pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance (especially their hair!); other times it's due to a regal manner that simply demands interest from others. Leo Ascendant people are very self-aware and body-conscious. They are acutely aware of others, and how they come across. In fact, these people are especially aware of their personal "backdrop"--they consider what the people they're with, and the environments they are in, do to their own image. Often, Leo rising natives feel as if they are on stage, even in the privacy of their own homes! They are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. However, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble. The desire to oversee the goings-on in their circle can sometimes amount to bossiness. If this desire doesn't go too far, however, it can just mean a person who wants to make sure the people they love are all right. Many Leo rising people are managers, either by profession or character.
The tendency to overestimate things, and themselves, is generally present. This is due to a natural enthusiasm and optimism about any new undertaking. Sometimes, they are walking commercials. In fact, Leo rising people make excellent promoters. Leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. Drama comes naturally to these natives. In fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they're a little blind to fact. They have an unusual need to be admired. Leo Ascendants often have a strong physical constitution. They pay special attention to their personal appearance and mannerisms. Usually, they choose clothing and hairstyles that are youthful. Their manner is authoritarian and strong. Very full emotional life.
No matter their age in real-world terms, Leo rising people are kids at heart. They are fun-loving and warm; generous and spirited. They have a natural flair for presentation, an eye for quality, and a hard-to-resist warmth of style. They want to make things happen, and create a stir.
He worries about money and is not especially generous with it unless he feels very comfortable.
He looks for refined people, with whom to have long discussions, without raised voices of any kind. Harmony and peace is very important.
Likes adventure, travel, gambling, takes risks for the pleasure of it, treating it as a game. Lots of love affairs.
Works hard, unceasingly and patiently. Weak point: the cold, changes in temperature.
A slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding. Both will love their independence, their freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for herself, then a divorce will ensue.
Likes meeting, ceaselessly discussing with well-informed people, full of ideas.
Problems will only come from the family.
One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions.
Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It's difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop--they're generally on top of things. There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They'll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. "Be true to yourself" and "Don't follow the crowd" are mottos we easily associate with this sign. Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They'll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you're quirky and "different", all the better.
Short description:
He is independent, autonomous, and has progressive ideas.
Weaknesses: an unusual, rebellious and revolutionary spirit.
The work that you do, and the services that you offer, are very important to your sense of identity. In order to feel good about yourself, you need to be busy with daily activities and to produce work you can be proud of. Focus on finding a suitable and rewarding avenue for expressing this part of you, being extra careful to choose an occupation in which you can express yourself. You are sensitive to criticism about the work you do, and you work best when you can create your own schedule. Positive feedback for the services you render is important to you, but be careful not to over-identify with the appreciation you receive from others, as your work and your health suffers when you feel under-appreciated. Motivation to do a good job should come from within.
you to question tradition. You are, above all things, an individualist. You naturally rebel against that which is established. It doesn't mean that you consistently break all the rules, but you definitely do question some of the rules, especially those that simply don't make much sense. You possess a huge distaste for routine. You work best when you have some say as to when and how you get things done. You possess much self-integrity. You avoid labeling people and are most offended when others attempt to label or stereotype you.
You easily embrace new ways of doing things, you stick up for the underdog, and you express yourself in unique and inspiring ways. You don't have to try to stand out as unique--you are original, creative, and progressive without trying. You are far from pretentious. You value honesty and truth, and you avoid putting on airs. You believe in the equality of people, and easily relate to people from all walks of life. You possess an unmistakable enthusiasm about life, and generally your life is interesting because you invite unusual or adventurous experiences into your life. You are generally appreciated by others because you are open-minded, fair, and not judgmental. Nothing really seems to faze you! You take things in stride, and are rarely shocked or taken aback by human behavior.
He can face conflicts in life due to a projection of character that doesn't match what is on the inside. Misrepresentation of the self is frequent. He must strive to understand how others perceive him and work on presenting a more accurate persona to the world, or he will rub people the wrong way or feel unrecognized and misunderstood.
Some people with Virgo Moons are accused of being underachievers. While it may be true that Lunar Virgos can lack self-confidence, many are--quite simply--content with living "regular", unassuming lives. They appreciate simplicity, and are often most comfortable when they're not getting too much attention from the world at large. Lunar Virgos are easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. They worry incessantly when there is too much to think about; and they know their limits. Arguably the worst position for a Lunar Virgo is without a steady routine or a simply satisfying job. They need to feel useful, and they best express this by helping others in little ways. They need something to call their own, and the space to do what they want to do. The unhappy Lunar Virgos are fussy and complaining sorts. They are victims of routine and freak out when their plans are not followed. They are restless and nervous, and can't seem to see the big picture. Probably the best remedy for these people is a job or hobby in which they can express their deep need to analyze, attend to details, and micromanage.
These people express their affection for the people they care about in little, but practical, ways. They can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Lunar Virgos are often shy with new people. However, when they are comfortable, they are anything but shy. More often than not, others can count on Moon in Virgo people. They are reliable and trustworthy. Above all else, Lunar Virgos are practical. Others turn to them for help and advice. In relationships, Lunar Virgos can be self-effacing and kind. Some are quite shy in love, and easily intimidated on a sexual level. Many are not very comfortable with their sexuality, but they aim to please nonetheless. The sign of Virgo is very body-aware, in general. If this awareness combines with a lack of self-confidence, Lunar Virgos can be too aware of the parts that make up the whole. This can lead to a tendency to be intensely self-critical. Once Lunar Virgos learn to come out of their shell, however, they can be earthy partners with a lot to give.
Some of the most skeptical people are Lunar Virgos. They can't help but poke holes when faced with others' blind faith. Their criticism can be maddening, and their insistence on seeing the practical in anything emotional can be challenging, especially if you are the dreamy type. Virgo curiosity shows up big time with this position of the Moon. To some, it can be confusing. Lunar Virgos seem very interested in others' problems, for example, but can be quite cool and even unsympathetic in the long run. Their advice can seem hard to more sensitive folk; yet Lunar Virgos can be surprisingly delicate when faced with others' criticism. Virgo Moon people are generally busy and quietly happy when they have their lives under control. They aim for a simple existence, and are often quite content with very little. Many are early risers, ready to take on the day with enthusiasm. They scurry around, keeping busy and managing their life quietly and expertly. As long as their little world is manageable, Lunar Virgos can be a delight to be around.
Short description:
He has a very good memory. Scientific or medical studies preferred above all others. He is humble and moderate, calm and reserved. Emotional discipline. He is willing to help, devoted and gentle.
Weaknesses: servile nature, frequent changes of occupation, gets annoyed, upset, worries. He is too shy.
You can be quite expressive and animated in your speech. You have an outstanding memory and tend to pick up a lot of information from your environment. You love to chat and to exchange ideas. Even if you are shy, once you're friends, you love to talk about pretty much anything under the sun, and you enjoy sharing stories from your past! For the most part, you are focused on day-to-day activities in your communications rather than on grander philosophies. You are naturally curious and interested, and others find you very easy to talk to. You are accommodating and curious, but you are not as well equipped to handle heavy emotional demands. You thrive on change and variety. You might be a little addicted to gossip! More probably, however, you are simply very curious about others. There is a twinkle in your eyes, and you are never short on humor. You are playful and versatile--you make a fun companion and an interesting friend. You listen! Yes, you do talk and occasionally interrupt in your excitement, but you are a curious person who does want to hear what others have to say, and that is a real pleasure. In fact, you are more able than most people to get others talking, simply because you are very receptive and sympathetic. You pick up others' feelings and body language readily.
He lacks firmness, and can be a sucker for a sob story! He likes to live in a dream, in the world of imagination, and can hope so much that reality checks can be brutal.
Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.
Mercury in Capricorn
His mind compartmentalizes impressions, and he appreciates structure and order. The mind learns best when it can see practical uses for information. Resourceful, reflective, deep thinker: a fine and vivacious mind. Undertakes lengthy studies or, if circumstances do not allow, will teach himself. A rational person. Can be pessimistic, skeptical, and sarcastic, possessing a very sharp sense of humor. Notices everything.
Mercury in VI
Medical profession. Serviceable and generous nature. Meets their soul sister at work, or (if not) through family contacts.
Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.
Venus in Pisces
Venus in Pisces people project themselves as dreamy, soft-hearted partners. Everything about the way they flirt promises a lovely time. Theirs is an elusive charm -- they are sweetly playful, a little moody, and perhaps a little irregular. They appreciate romance and poetry, and they prefer to "feel out" both you and the relationship you share, so don't expect too much planning ahead. Their sensitivity can be a little misleading at times. Yes, they are sensitive folk, but lovers may find it maddening that this sensitivity is not only directed at them, but towards all of mankind. Venus in Pisces men and women want you to know that their love is unconditional. They are unimpressed by your status, and love and accept you for all that you are inside. They love the underdog and are attracted to wayward folks, or those in need of a little help. With their romantic view of the world, they can be unreasonably attracted to states of suffering and martyrdom, so they easily get into the role of saving someone, or being saved. Unlike Venus in Libra, which thrives on equality, Venus in Pisces is actually turned on by inequality! They can be rather confusing and hard to pin down as they feel their way through their relationships. As much as they may want to, they find it hard to commit. Many do end up committing, however, at least on the surface.
Pleasing Venus in Pisces involves enjoying tender moments and romantic times with them. You won't always be able to count on them. In fact, you can be sure they will stretch the truth every once in a while. But remember they do this because they fear they might hurt you, and they can't bear to cause you any heartache. Try to understand them, although that's never an easy task considering the fact that they don't always know themselves. And, truth is, some Venus in Pisces privately have a love affair going with the idea of being misunderstood. Try to put up with their apparent lack of direction in the relationship -- they are so receptive and open to all possibilities that it is hard for them to commit to any one thing, idea, or even person. These intriguing partners will reward you with a love that is accepting and comes as close to unconditional as humans can get.
Venus in VII
His fate depends a lot on marriage. Marries for love, children, happy emotional life.
101 Conjunction Venus - Mars
He is amorous, not a peaceful and calm lover but a passionate one with a strong temperament. He is demonstrative in love, and likes healthy pleasures. He enjoys life to the full.
-88 Square Venus - Jupiter
He is nonchalant, pretentious, full of self-importance. He likes what is beautiful and sometimes ostentatious, and spends lots of money for the sake of appearances. He likes to please and has numerous amorous adventures. He is unfaithful and undergoes tribulations in love.
116 Trine Venus - Saturn
He has a good grasp of reality and of duty. He is thrifty, reserved and does not show off. He likes truth and justice. In love, his sentiments are sincere and deep, he never plays false. He is, of course, faithful in love and friendship. He can love a much older person and appreciates his intelligence and good sense.
-10 Square Venus - Uranus
He looks for new sensations in love and is often unsatisfied by affairs which quickly turn into purely conventional relationships. He likes novelty, adventure, the eccentric: he is frivolous, unstable, unfaithful. Marriage is not for him and, if he does throw himself into this adventure, it will end in divorce, written off as a youthful mistake. As a result of his numerous love affairs, he makes sure his line is continued.
61 Trine Venus - Pluto
His emotional and sex life is powerful and rich. He lives out truly passionate love affairs.
20 Sextile Venus - Midheaven
He has good taste, has an affectionate nature, his love is warm and deep, based on intellectual understanding and common tastes. His friends are useful in furthering his career.
Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.
Mars in Pisces
Mild-tempered and gentle, these guys and gals move through life in a manner that can hardly be considered direct. Mars is the planet of action and assertion, and Pisces is a passive sign that rarely asserts itself in a direct fashion. So the placement of Mars in Pisces is an unusual combination. Sometimes prone to feelings of guilt about their anger, and difficulties with asserting themselves, Mars in Pisces individuals seem to "go with the flow". This is certainly not a very active position for Mars, and natives will often let life "happen" instead of trying to control their life direction. This is a charming position, as individuals with Mars in Pisces don't appear like they are capable of harming a fly. However, those that don't find creative expression for this energy can stir up a storm through indirect aggression.
Mars in Pisces people are not averse to playing games to get what they want, although even they don't always know exactly what they do want! Their desires are changeable and moody, and it's hard to really know where these natives stand on any particular issue. Alternatively, some Mars in Pisces people do take a stand on issues that are Piscean in nature, making compassion and love their mission. Energy levels fluctuate a lot, coming in bursts of activity followed by inertia. Because it can be difficult to align this ebbing and flowing of energy in the day-to-day world as it is, finding a job that supports this may be tough. The happiest Mars in Pisces individuals are those that have a creative outlet that allow them to express their desires of the moment, their compassion--and even their anger--freely and imaginatively. An example of Mars in Pisces is Bono, lead singer of U2, who seems to have found the perfect outlet for his creativity through his music, and as a spokesperson for love and compassion.
Mars in VIII
Sexually very powerful, he is also capable of tremendous focus and hard work. Sexually intense and deep. Is adept at professions requiring research, strategy, uncovering truths, and analysis. Arguments may occur over inheritance.
-34 Square Mars - Jupiter
He refuses to accept any guidance. He lacks forethought, acts impulsively and sometimes imprudently, which can cause problems. He wants everything yesterday and uses whatever means necessary to achieve his objectives, even if they are dishonest or not very commendable. His emotional life is fraught with quarrels and sometimes violent conflicts.
12 Trine Mars - Saturn
He is energetic and determined. He has strength and resistance, ability and patience: he is tough, and sometimes insensitive, and puts all his energy and talents into overcoming all the obstacles to his success. He is obstinate, calculating, does not take on anything without having thought of all the possible consequences, he can take all the time in the world and never loses patience to achieve his objectives. He is not particularly popular in his circle, but is feared and respected.
-45 Square Mars - Uranus
He is full of contradictions. He is original, tending to the eccentric, violent, headstrong, impatient and irascible. He fights to the bitter end to overcome hurdles, and has the strength to overcome them.
Jupiter represents expansion and grace.
Jupiter in Sagittarius
He attracts the most good fortune when he is open-handed and generous, tolerant, and practices what he preaches. Can be inspirational, and find success in travel, education, teaching, sports, publishing, and foreign cultures.
Jupiter in IV
He likes and believes in justice. He is an optimist and is generous. Professional success is rapid and helped by the family. Family life is very important for him. He likes comfort, well-being at home. He knows how to entertain in style and above all with pleasure: his house is always open to friends.
394 Conjunction Jupiter - Uranus
He knows what's going on at a glance. He thirsts after knowledge, and is a good organizer. He is very independent, likes his freedom of action, is a non-conformist. He is very agreeable company and is always in demand.
25 Trine Jupiter - Ascendant
He likes meeting friends, around a good meal and in a cordial atmosphere. He is pleasant, jovial and engaging.
Saturn represents contraction and effort.
Saturn in Scorpio
Observant, self-controlled, unforgiving, tough, methodical, a researcher, an investigator. Lots of courage, self-assurance and can keep his cool.
Weaknesses: makes no concessions or compromises. He can become a fanatic of a creed, a party, work or a religion.
Saturn in III
His studies will be restricted. He is serious, discrete. He takes on mental tasks that require time and concentration. He travels little even though he likes it. He has few friends, who are, however, very close.
104 Conjunction Saturn - Pluto
He perseveres, achieves his projects through hard work.
-62 Opposition Saturn - Midheaven
He must struggle a lot and work hard to achieve his aims. Although confronted by discouraging circumstances, he knows how to set off again and continue the fight.
Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.
Uranus in Sagittarius
He is shy, delicate but proud, bold and lively.
Uranus in IV
He is very independent. His independence begins vis-...-vis the family circle. He does not like bureaucracy, administration, and has problems as a result. He has avant-garde ideas, he is original and does not tolerate constraints on his freedom.
17 Trine Uranus - Ascendant
He is always changing, is unstable. He is ready to innovate, to change everything. He is inventive.
Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.
Neptune in Sagittarius
Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.
Neptune in V
Extravagant love affairs, great passions.
42 Sextile Neptune - Pluto
Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.
Pluto in Libra
Looks for new ways to relate to others.
-5 Opposition Pluto - Midheaven
He abuses his power, crushing others in order to achieve his objectives. He risks losing everything and having to start from scratch.
House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.
Aquarius ascendant Leo
Ascendant in Leo
Leo rising people cannot help but be noticed. They radiate a special energy and magnetism that gets others' attention. Sometimes it's because they are loud people who pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance (especially their hair!); other times it's due to a regal manner that simply demands interest from others. Leo Ascendant people are very self-aware and body-conscious. They are acutely aware of others, and how they come across. In fact, these people are especially aware of their personal "backdrop"--they consider what the people they're with, and the environments they are in, do to their own image. Often, Leo rising natives feel as if they are on stage, even in the privacy of their own homes! They are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. However, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble. The desire to oversee the goings-on in their circle can sometimes amount to bossiness. If this desire doesn't go too far, however, it can just mean a person who wants to make sure the people they love are all right. Many Leo rising people are managers, either by profession or character.
The tendency to overestimate things, and themselves, is generally present. This is due to a natural enthusiasm and optimism about any new undertaking. Sometimes, they are walking commercials. In fact, Leo rising people make excellent promoters. Leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. Drama comes naturally to these natives. In fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they're a little blind to fact. They have an unusual need to be admired. Leo Ascendants often have a strong physical constitution. They pay special attention to their personal appearance and mannerisms. Usually, they choose clothing and hairstyles that are youthful. Their manner is authoritarian and strong. Very full emotional life.
No matter their age in real-world terms, Leo rising people are kids at heart. They are fun-loving and warm; generous and spirited. They have a natural flair for presentation, an eye for quality, and a hard-to-resist warmth of style. They want to make things happen, and create a stir.
He worries about money and is not especially generous with it unless he feels very comfortable.
He looks for refined people, with whom to have long discussions, without raised voices of any kind. Harmony and peace is very important.
Likes adventure, travel, gambling, takes risks for the pleasure of it, treating it as a game. Lots of love affairs.
Works hard, unceasingly and patiently. Weak point: the cold, changes in temperature.
A slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding. Both will love their independence, their freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for herself, then a divorce will ensue.
Likes meeting, ceaselessly discussing with well-informed people, full of ideas.
Problems will only come from the family.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
With a Little Help From Our Friends...
Last night was a good night. I was fortunate enough to have a "kick it" session with the homies turn into a session of "real talk" that was greatly needed in my life. It really felt good to release one of my problem areas with people who seem to know a little on the topic. Now, I'm not going to call my friends experts on the situation but both of them are in healthy relationships, one being "shacked up," and the other patiently waiting for May 15th so that he can move from the legal category of "single" to that of "married." The talk that we had greatly helped me, and it allowed me to further put my relationship issues into perspective.
The talk began with one of my friends alerting another to the haps of bulletpoint #3, and how I had found me a winner. The consensus from my peers was clear; that I have a good one, and I should do everything I could not to lose what we have. They made a pretty compelling argument which I will get into later when I get to bulletpoint 3, but it has left me more and more confused because I don't want to miss out on the good woman that I may have staring me in the face, but as I've been told recently; sometimes it just aint that simple. Anyways, I need to come clean tho before I can get some good advice, so if you've began to read this, know that it's long, and please just bear through it...
Bulletpoint #1 - Ashley
For those of you who read my blog, Ashley is my beloved "Kreampuff" or "Moodie" that I wrote that letter that became the post entitled; "5 Years in the Making." She is my "one." Always has been, but I hope that in the future she will not always be that if we aren't together. I'm still in love with her and don't want to put my life on hold for her but I don't think it would be fair for me to become involved with anyone knowing that if Ashley wanted me she could have me, despite whatever my former mate may call and/or think about me. Ashley never responded to my post, claiming that she didn't know how to respond to my thoughts and that the situation is not as simple as I make it out to be. Damn, I just want to know if I can have another shot, or if I should ust give up, what's not so simple about that? That leads me to believe that Ashley still wants to be bothered with me and that I should just see what happens, but what if it takes her another 5 years to tell me to give up and I'm 31 yrs old, still lonely, and still unhappy...
Bulletpoint #2 - Robin
Robin has been a roller coaster of emotion in the five years that I have been involved with her. I can't say knowing, because I have known Robin for about 11 years, but the last 5 have been the most difficult for both of us. Robin came into my life in the capacity she is at a time when I was weak. I had just came out of a relationship with Ashley and I honestly intended to use her as a "booty buddy" just to get back in the groove. The problem with that was that the sex was GREAT, much better than expected, and she didn't need anytime from me. I have found out later that it was because she had a boyfriend at the time, so for me to just call her days before I was coming home for the weekend and engage her in bullshit conversation in order for me to ensure that we would "get it popping" that weekend wasn't horribly difficult. Well somewhere along the lines, I broke the code. I let my "sweet side" break in and decided one night to take Robin out. It wasn't anything major, just a trip to the Hookah Cafe that resulted in our paths twisting around and us going to the point of officially dating as opposed to random chit chat and meeting up to have sex, and that's when I started tripping. I wrestled with the idea of potentially marrying a former "booty buddy" and the ramifications of this on the children we may have, especially if one were to be a girl. So here's Robin, we have the friend who understands me, she knows that I'm a "hoe" and it bothers her, but she knows that I'm going to change when I'm ready to, or when she moves to Houston to make me. I just have a problem because with Robin being so honest and upfront with me, I'm starting to realize that she is the female version of me, which is truly a double-edged sword. I mean, if she's the female me, then that proves that I am capable of change, but what if she's just as good of a liar as I am. The issue is that despite me caring for her the way that I do an appreciating what she has told and taught me about love and relationships as well as myself, I have not been treating her as such. The past few weeks I have been upset about my financial situation and needed time alone, or so Robin thinks. I've actually been spending time with #3 because she has been helping me out in my time of need, and getting rid of Robin at the same time...
Bulletpoint #3 - Nicole
I met Nicole at a happy hour and was immediately enamored with her, hell I was looking at a Zeta that I found attractive face-to-face, and immediately I wanted her, sexually. Well, I communicated that fact to her off the bat and she immediately informed me that "if we hump, we go together." I know, with as many women as I have been involved with that this should have cause a red flag to immediately begin to fly, but there was something about her that was interesting and plus, with my track record, she would begin to understand that she can be disposed of as quick and as easy as taking the trash to the dumpster. But, then Nicole started teaching me about my own life, and that one of my vices (money), has a powerful effect on my life decisions. I have made it a rule that when a woman makes purchases outside of clothes and shoes, she had bought herself a 6-month window where she can do no wrong. But this aint just some woman that I have transformed into a trick. I don't ask her for much, she just gives, which is kinda upsetting because I now feel as though she may be buying me, but she really is holding me down. She gives me space when I ask for it, and in the end all she wants is to have me around. Sure she nags and bitches, but what woman doesn't? She wants me to be involved in her life, is being supportive, pushing me to be my best, and comes up with proposed solutions to my problems, unlike Robin who is supportive, but doesn't offer ways to fix the problems I have, and this is not entirely based upon money. I only have a few issues with Nicole, one of which is that when life affects her, she just goes and gets another tattoo (she has 44), and doesn't really share her issue with anyone. I want her to open up to me, but hell I'm not doing the same, what I should be telling her, I'm writing in a blog. Certain things I say bother her, particularly that I talk about my son and parenthood so much when she was subjected to a forced abortion earlier this year. My second issue is that she just may be plain crazy, hell she's been everything I've needed her to be with little resistance, and is pretty much becoming the woman I want her to be, so what happens if I don't choose her? Thirdly, we are not sexually compatible. She still thinks that oral sex makes her a whore, and does not communicate to me what she needs, expects, and likes during sex. Its difficult to get a murmur out of her during sex, but she readily tells me that the sex is good she's just quiet. These are the only issues I have with her, doesn't seem like much, but why can't I take this to the next level...
Bulletpoint #4 - Me
As a self-proclaimed satyromaniac, I have this thrill that I get in pursuing
"new pussy."I like the thrill of the hunt as well as the mystery that is left behind from a new sexual partner, and with 87 notches on my belt, I think that I shouldn't want new partners, but hell I do. That's the problem with relationships, no more new pussy. There are a few other exes and interest that I am still in contact with that I would like to have sex with and potentially let something rise from that, but then I may have the same doubts that I have about Robin. My friends encouraged me to just continue to do me, but don't bring that shit into my home, but I'm just having a problem finding out where home is...I really need some help on this one...but who can give me unbiased advice without looking at me funny...Is that my only hope, to find a woman who understands me and knows that I wont bring that shit into her house, or am I doomed to be single forever...
The talk began with one of my friends alerting another to the haps of bulletpoint #3, and how I had found me a winner. The consensus from my peers was clear; that I have a good one, and I should do everything I could not to lose what we have. They made a pretty compelling argument which I will get into later when I get to bulletpoint 3, but it has left me more and more confused because I don't want to miss out on the good woman that I may have staring me in the face, but as I've been told recently; sometimes it just aint that simple. Anyways, I need to come clean tho before I can get some good advice, so if you've began to read this, know that it's long, and please just bear through it...
Bulletpoint #1 - Ashley
For those of you who read my blog, Ashley is my beloved "Kreampuff" or "Moodie" that I wrote that letter that became the post entitled; "5 Years in the Making." She is my "one." Always has been, but I hope that in the future she will not always be that if we aren't together. I'm still in love with her and don't want to put my life on hold for her but I don't think it would be fair for me to become involved with anyone knowing that if Ashley wanted me she could have me, despite whatever my former mate may call and/or think about me. Ashley never responded to my post, claiming that she didn't know how to respond to my thoughts and that the situation is not as simple as I make it out to be. Damn, I just want to know if I can have another shot, or if I should ust give up, what's not so simple about that? That leads me to believe that Ashley still wants to be bothered with me and that I should just see what happens, but what if it takes her another 5 years to tell me to give up and I'm 31 yrs old, still lonely, and still unhappy...
Bulletpoint #2 - Robin
Robin has been a roller coaster of emotion in the five years that I have been involved with her. I can't say knowing, because I have known Robin for about 11 years, but the last 5 have been the most difficult for both of us. Robin came into my life in the capacity she is at a time when I was weak. I had just came out of a relationship with Ashley and I honestly intended to use her as a "booty buddy" just to get back in the groove. The problem with that was that the sex was GREAT, much better than expected, and she didn't need anytime from me. I have found out later that it was because she had a boyfriend at the time, so for me to just call her days before I was coming home for the weekend and engage her in bullshit conversation in order for me to ensure that we would "get it popping" that weekend wasn't horribly difficult. Well somewhere along the lines, I broke the code. I let my "sweet side" break in and decided one night to take Robin out. It wasn't anything major, just a trip to the Hookah Cafe that resulted in our paths twisting around and us going to the point of officially dating as opposed to random chit chat and meeting up to have sex, and that's when I started tripping. I wrestled with the idea of potentially marrying a former "booty buddy" and the ramifications of this on the children we may have, especially if one were to be a girl. So here's Robin, we have the friend who understands me, she knows that I'm a "hoe" and it bothers her, but she knows that I'm going to change when I'm ready to, or when she moves to Houston to make me. I just have a problem because with Robin being so honest and upfront with me, I'm starting to realize that she is the female version of me, which is truly a double-edged sword. I mean, if she's the female me, then that proves that I am capable of change, but what if she's just as good of a liar as I am. The issue is that despite me caring for her the way that I do an appreciating what she has told and taught me about love and relationships as well as myself, I have not been treating her as such. The past few weeks I have been upset about my financial situation and needed time alone, or so Robin thinks. I've actually been spending time with #3 because she has been helping me out in my time of need, and getting rid of Robin at the same time...
Bulletpoint #3 - Nicole
I met Nicole at a happy hour and was immediately enamored with her, hell I was looking at a Zeta that I found attractive face-to-face, and immediately I wanted her, sexually. Well, I communicated that fact to her off the bat and she immediately informed me that "if we hump, we go together." I know, with as many women as I have been involved with that this should have cause a red flag to immediately begin to fly, but there was something about her that was interesting and plus, with my track record, she would begin to understand that she can be disposed of as quick and as easy as taking the trash to the dumpster. But, then Nicole started teaching me about my own life, and that one of my vices (money), has a powerful effect on my life decisions. I have made it a rule that when a woman makes purchases outside of clothes and shoes, she had bought herself a 6-month window where she can do no wrong. But this aint just some woman that I have transformed into a trick. I don't ask her for much, she just gives, which is kinda upsetting because I now feel as though she may be buying me, but she really is holding me down. She gives me space when I ask for it, and in the end all she wants is to have me around. Sure she nags and bitches, but what woman doesn't? She wants me to be involved in her life, is being supportive, pushing me to be my best, and comes up with proposed solutions to my problems, unlike Robin who is supportive, but doesn't offer ways to fix the problems I have, and this is not entirely based upon money. I only have a few issues with Nicole, one of which is that when life affects her, she just goes and gets another tattoo (she has 44), and doesn't really share her issue with anyone. I want her to open up to me, but hell I'm not doing the same, what I should be telling her, I'm writing in a blog. Certain things I say bother her, particularly that I talk about my son and parenthood so much when she was subjected to a forced abortion earlier this year. My second issue is that she just may be plain crazy, hell she's been everything I've needed her to be with little resistance, and is pretty much becoming the woman I want her to be, so what happens if I don't choose her? Thirdly, we are not sexually compatible. She still thinks that oral sex makes her a whore, and does not communicate to me what she needs, expects, and likes during sex. Its difficult to get a murmur out of her during sex, but she readily tells me that the sex is good she's just quiet. These are the only issues I have with her, doesn't seem like much, but why can't I take this to the next level...
Bulletpoint #4 - Me
As a self-proclaimed satyromaniac, I have this thrill that I get in pursuing
"new pussy."I like the thrill of the hunt as well as the mystery that is left behind from a new sexual partner, and with 87 notches on my belt, I think that I shouldn't want new partners, but hell I do. That's the problem with relationships, no more new pussy. There are a few other exes and interest that I am still in contact with that I would like to have sex with and potentially let something rise from that, but then I may have the same doubts that I have about Robin. My friends encouraged me to just continue to do me, but don't bring that shit into my home, but I'm just having a problem finding out where home is...I really need some help on this one...but who can give me unbiased advice without looking at me funny...Is that my only hope, to find a woman who understands me and knows that I wont bring that shit into her house, or am I doomed to be single forever...
Monday, October 26, 2009
In My Mind...
JUST PRESS PLAY...
She's not her...She's not her, either...neither is she...neither is she...
It's funny the turns that life takes us on these unexpected turns just to leave us back at square one. I need a friend in my life, one that I can tell the truth to, one that won't judge me, one that understands my situation and can help me fix it. I'm addicted to a thought that won't ever be, and me being unwilling to accept anything less than what I want, am doomed to reap the repercussions of it.
Funny how my last posting covered the evils of Facebook, and this posting is inspired by Facebook and its news feed. I saw that my ex had been tagged in some new photos, so I went to check them out, and what I saw was truly amazing. There I was looking at the perfect woman, and depressed because she wasn't mine. So I wanted to attempt to take my mind off of her and went to youtube for entertainment. I found myself watching old Human Jukebox clips and became drawn to SU's cover of Heather Headley's In My Mind as about the 5th or 6th song that I had heard. I really liked the arrangement so I wanted to hear the original song. Lo and behold I came across the clip that I posted, finding out that Shannon Sanders authored this song and released it in 1999, later selling it to Heather Headley. I really like this version just because I don't feel like men should like women songs, even though you can pretty much transition them without losing a beat. Anyways, this song got placed on repeat as I just felt it, because in my mind, she will always be my lady, the only problem that I have with that is when should one stop living in their mind, and live in reality.
I sought the advice of a friend of mine whose opinion I trust, and she said the same thing that I have heard countless other times, that if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, and if not, it never was. It's not that I don't know this to be true, but its just that I can't deal with the negative in that situation. While its true that what she and I shared is in the past and occurred at a time where neither of us had the years or maturity that either of us have now, I think now I'm better equipped to handle it, and find myself wishing that she feels the same. I now understand how burdensome it is to discuss marriage at 18 when you haven't even experienced life, and the need to run off in order to experience the world before giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. And I think I understand what was going through her mind. The only question I have is, how do I press on further when in my mind she'll always be my lady because when it comes down to it...
She's not her...she's not her either...neither is she...neither is she...
She's not her...She's not her, either...neither is she...neither is she...
It's funny the turns that life takes us on these unexpected turns just to leave us back at square one. I need a friend in my life, one that I can tell the truth to, one that won't judge me, one that understands my situation and can help me fix it. I'm addicted to a thought that won't ever be, and me being unwilling to accept anything less than what I want, am doomed to reap the repercussions of it.
Funny how my last posting covered the evils of Facebook, and this posting is inspired by Facebook and its news feed. I saw that my ex had been tagged in some new photos, so I went to check them out, and what I saw was truly amazing. There I was looking at the perfect woman, and depressed because she wasn't mine. So I wanted to attempt to take my mind off of her and went to youtube for entertainment. I found myself watching old Human Jukebox clips and became drawn to SU's cover of Heather Headley's In My Mind as about the 5th or 6th song that I had heard. I really liked the arrangement so I wanted to hear the original song. Lo and behold I came across the clip that I posted, finding out that Shannon Sanders authored this song and released it in 1999, later selling it to Heather Headley. I really like this version just because I don't feel like men should like women songs, even though you can pretty much transition them without losing a beat. Anyways, this song got placed on repeat as I just felt it, because in my mind, she will always be my lady, the only problem that I have with that is when should one stop living in their mind, and live in reality.
I sought the advice of a friend of mine whose opinion I trust, and she said the same thing that I have heard countless other times, that if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, and if not, it never was. It's not that I don't know this to be true, but its just that I can't deal with the negative in that situation. While its true that what she and I shared is in the past and occurred at a time where neither of us had the years or maturity that either of us have now, I think now I'm better equipped to handle it, and find myself wishing that she feels the same. I now understand how burdensome it is to discuss marriage at 18 when you haven't even experienced life, and the need to run off in order to experience the world before giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. And I think I understand what was going through her mind. The only question I have is, how do I press on further when in my mind she'll always be my lady because when it comes down to it...
She's not her...she's not her either...neither is she...neither is she...
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Facebook...
I used to laugh at people who were unable to keep their relationships in control once Facebook was introduced, but now I truly see how it can affect people's lives. On Wednesday I posted a status that read; " Kellen A. Daranda-Esq was just told that its okay to let go and fall in love; WHERE DEY DO DAT AT?!" as a satirical comment to something one of the women in my life told me. (Before you even formulate an opinion, know that I'm doing better, and I'm only seeing two at this point in my life.) I know that I have reached an age where women are no longer trying to date for the sake of dating and have meaningless sex with random guys they encounter and neither am I, the problem is that neither of the women in my life have me at a point where I can see forever with either of them, and all the women who make me feel as thought I could fall in love with them are just dating for the hell of it and enjoying single life. Love has never been a word that I have taken lightly, and when I say it I mean it, so I'm not a hypocrite in that respect, but I just need a woman who is what I want, and then I can build on that, but I digress. This status update invoked an interest of mine to send me a text which read, "So Kellen no longer believes in love, eh? Hmmmm..." Which shocked me cause this is a woman who ranks high on my list of favorites, sexy as all I adore, beautiful, nice job, nice car, nice apartment, silly as hell, with a love for family, basically all the building blocks I would need to fall in love, but she's always busy. I elected not to respond to the text, but I'm like damn woman, if you would have stopped playing games and disappearing, we could have been happy, together, and in love, a long time ago.
Well, the plot thickens...
Thursday night, I made plans with a friend who went to PV for her to come over and for us to watch the game and get fucked up, which we did. Now this friend is someone whom I used to be intimate with, but she and I haven't slept together in a 4-6 month period. After PV won the game, she decided as a penalty that I should have to take a picture holding up a PV bag and post it to Facebook. Well, I let her do it, knowing the truth behind the circumstances with us watching the game (and no we did not sleep together Thursday night), but baby girl (the one who invoked the earlier status) blew the fuck up via text messages and writing on my Facebook wall. I don't need to be slick on this one and actually plan on writing her a lengthy letter in which I spill out everything instead of just koming at her with my usual game and getting out of trouble. (yeah, I'm that effin good) I need to stop playing games, I aint shit unless I'm with a woman who I feel like is worth it. Until that time comes, I'll just continue to do me...
The problem that I've brought on myself which has caused this Facebook debauchery is the answer to one of the questions I've had in my mind for the longest as to why marriages don't work and things of that nature. I had proposed part of an answer and based it upon people getting married for the wrong reason, but its also because of folks settling. I now realize this because this is why baby girl is getting mad at me and feeling like I'm not ready, because I'm not, at least not with her. Me deciding that she would make a prime candidate for a girlfriend and potentially a wife was all based upon me settling and thinking that because she was the better option amongst the table scraps that I had the choice of eating, that things would work. So I told her that I hoped to move forward after I took care of somethings, namely, getting the rest of the random women out of my life, and she was like okay. Well, the day after I told her that I met the second of the women that I am dating and she blows baby girl out of the water, so of course I took a step back on the relationship and continued to play. The problem with number 2 is I don't see her as girlfriend material either, but honestly, she's growing on me.
Allow me to recant my earlier statement, Facebook does not get people in trouble when they are on their shit, meaning that they are doing what they need to do to sustain a positive social and love life, but when people stop being honest, Facebook is an instantaneous way to get their skeletons out of the closet, and with that being said, I plan to move forward and be more honest....
Well, the plot thickens...
Thursday night, I made plans with a friend who went to PV for her to come over and for us to watch the game and get fucked up, which we did. Now this friend is someone whom I used to be intimate with, but she and I haven't slept together in a 4-6 month period. After PV won the game, she decided as a penalty that I should have to take a picture holding up a PV bag and post it to Facebook. Well, I let her do it, knowing the truth behind the circumstances with us watching the game (and no we did not sleep together Thursday night), but baby girl (the one who invoked the earlier status) blew the fuck up via text messages and writing on my Facebook wall. I don't need to be slick on this one and actually plan on writing her a lengthy letter in which I spill out everything instead of just koming at her with my usual game and getting out of trouble. (yeah, I'm that effin good) I need to stop playing games, I aint shit unless I'm with a woman who I feel like is worth it. Until that time comes, I'll just continue to do me...
The problem that I've brought on myself which has caused this Facebook debauchery is the answer to one of the questions I've had in my mind for the longest as to why marriages don't work and things of that nature. I had proposed part of an answer and based it upon people getting married for the wrong reason, but its also because of folks settling. I now realize this because this is why baby girl is getting mad at me and feeling like I'm not ready, because I'm not, at least not with her. Me deciding that she would make a prime candidate for a girlfriend and potentially a wife was all based upon me settling and thinking that because she was the better option amongst the table scraps that I had the choice of eating, that things would work. So I told her that I hoped to move forward after I took care of somethings, namely, getting the rest of the random women out of my life, and she was like okay. Well, the day after I told her that I met the second of the women that I am dating and she blows baby girl out of the water, so of course I took a step back on the relationship and continued to play. The problem with number 2 is I don't see her as girlfriend material either, but honestly, she's growing on me.
Allow me to recant my earlier statement, Facebook does not get people in trouble when they are on their shit, meaning that they are doing what they need to do to sustain a positive social and love life, but when people stop being honest, Facebook is an instantaneous way to get their skeletons out of the closet, and with that being said, I plan to move forward and be more honest....
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sleepless Nights
Today (yesterday) was a weird day, I woke up at my usual 6:30 with a tremendous headache that would have me miss work. I don't believe that anything is necessarily wrong with the occasional day off but my mom made sure that she rang home a very important point with me at a young age; if you aren't going to work, don't spend your entire day doing nothing, make the day productive. So I spent my day cleaning up, trying to make myself feel better, and I've decided that it's been 2 weeks since I've posted to my blog, not because I haven't had the time, but mainly because I'm at a cross-roads. I have wrestled for a minute with the though of starting another blog to allow myself the release that this one has, however, if I did that, I would put everything out there, and to have someone read it would be disastrous to my personal life. So this posting here is intended to just give me something to write about in a creative sense. I posted a note on Facebook in which I put on random, and allowed the first 20 songs to serve as representations for certain people in my life. Well, today, I've decided to put my Ipod on random again and write whatever comes to mind based on the first couple of songs that pop up with no censoring, this should be interesting...
Wifey - Usher; When I first heard this song I was really feeling it, mainly based upon the chorus. The words "Wifey, where are you, cause here I am" are powerful words coming from a man in 2009, because many of us have been brainwashed by society's labels that 30 is the new 20, and 20 is akin to being a teenager with a salary and no curfew. As much as of a hopeless romantic as I am, forever is a long time, I guess I can't really get to that point because I haven't found that Crazy Love - Brian McKnight. I had it once in my life and I guess the shit is still there, because I can't get over the girlfriend formally known as "Kreampuff." I know I made a posting a while back coming clean with her and putting everything out there, in hopes of moving on, but I haven't really been able to do that. I still flip through her pictures on Facebook at least twice a week and feel as tho the reason why I can't give my heart to another is because I still want her. Hell, I know if I got in a relationship and Ms. Officer decided to make even a meager attempt to come back in my life, I would probably jump at the chance and leave whoever in the dust. I know this isn't fair so I guess I'll remain single until I can get a better grip on love and how it ties into logic...
We'll Always Love Big Poppa - The LOX; lately my parents dying has been on my mind a lot. I know that such is life, and there eventually comes a time where a child has to bury their parents but I am at a point in life where I am just starting to understand my father and admire his wisdom to the point where I wish I listened to him more as a youth. I don't know what I will do when I reach the point where I lose my Daddy and hope that when I reach that point that either I will have Wifey or at least that Crazy Love to help me through that. But until then I will continue to say Hello World - Little Wayne, because I am the motherfucking trouble maker. I tell people all the time about how I'm out to take over the world and as I remarked earlier with the introductory paragraph, I've always been a trouble maker to the women I've dated. I think that's why I want to come to clean so bad...
Lock You Down - Mya feat. Lil Wayne; this has never been a problem for me, as I have always been bold enough to tell women that I can make them fall in love with me. But achieving reciprocation on that is usually a near impossible task. I act one way but say another, and can act like I love someone but getting me to say it is something totally different. Usually women get upest at how slow I move and replace me soon finding out that their replacement could never Love You Like I Did - 112. This brings out a totally different side of a relationship when someone hurts you and then comes back. This is what's currently happening with my son's mother, and I'm actually thinking of giving her and I another shot. But the way that I love is hard, and not easily duplicated. I think that I'll ultimately get married or at least a girlfriend when I'm happy and have my life together. Any woman who hopes to get that should just stick around, because I'm prolly gonna wife up who I am with at that point in time...
Wifey - Usher; When I first heard this song I was really feeling it, mainly based upon the chorus. The words "Wifey, where are you, cause here I am" are powerful words coming from a man in 2009, because many of us have been brainwashed by society's labels that 30 is the new 20, and 20 is akin to being a teenager with a salary and no curfew. As much as of a hopeless romantic as I am, forever is a long time, I guess I can't really get to that point because I haven't found that Crazy Love - Brian McKnight. I had it once in my life and I guess the shit is still there, because I can't get over the girlfriend formally known as "Kreampuff." I know I made a posting a while back coming clean with her and putting everything out there, in hopes of moving on, but I haven't really been able to do that. I still flip through her pictures on Facebook at least twice a week and feel as tho the reason why I can't give my heart to another is because I still want her. Hell, I know if I got in a relationship and Ms. Officer decided to make even a meager attempt to come back in my life, I would probably jump at the chance and leave whoever in the dust. I know this isn't fair so I guess I'll remain single until I can get a better grip on love and how it ties into logic...
We'll Always Love Big Poppa - The LOX; lately my parents dying has been on my mind a lot. I know that such is life, and there eventually comes a time where a child has to bury their parents but I am at a point in life where I am just starting to understand my father and admire his wisdom to the point where I wish I listened to him more as a youth. I don't know what I will do when I reach the point where I lose my Daddy and hope that when I reach that point that either I will have Wifey or at least that Crazy Love to help me through that. But until then I will continue to say Hello World - Little Wayne, because I am the motherfucking trouble maker. I tell people all the time about how I'm out to take over the world and as I remarked earlier with the introductory paragraph, I've always been a trouble maker to the women I've dated. I think that's why I want to come to clean so bad...
Lock You Down - Mya feat. Lil Wayne; this has never been a problem for me, as I have always been bold enough to tell women that I can make them fall in love with me. But achieving reciprocation on that is usually a near impossible task. I act one way but say another, and can act like I love someone but getting me to say it is something totally different. Usually women get upest at how slow I move and replace me soon finding out that their replacement could never Love You Like I Did - 112. This brings out a totally different side of a relationship when someone hurts you and then comes back. This is what's currently happening with my son's mother, and I'm actually thinking of giving her and I another shot. But the way that I love is hard, and not easily duplicated. I think that I'll ultimately get married or at least a girlfriend when I'm happy and have my life together. Any woman who hopes to get that should just stick around, because I'm prolly gonna wife up who I am with at that point in time...
Friday, October 2, 2009
Monogamy and Monotony
I think that my blog is actually helping me develop into the man I envision myself to be because this is my space for me to write about the things that are going on in my world and put my own personal reflection into a more permanent medium. Some of my postings I share with Facebook and others I don't, because I like to keep some of my thoughts more private and I have over 1900 friends on FB and some of them are Facebook stalkers. This post will probably not be shared, unless I feel the need to get some advice.
Mono - a combining form meaning “alone,” “single,” “one.”
Being someone with an affinity for the number one, people should be inclined to think that I would like words that display loyalty, singularity, and things of that nature, but I am also a reckless soul who craves change, just not in the people that I deal with. Dennis Green's quote that Coors has put in their marketing campaign is probably my favorite form of monotony; I like when "they were who we(I) thought they were." Yet, I hate monotony, I dislike routine and the same thing happening everyday as if life is scripted. I find comfort in knowing what is going to happen next, but that bores me and takes away from the beauty that is life. Typically, when I reach the point where I desire change, I usually do things completely out of character or eliminate things or people I consider to be mundane and routine. Which brings me to my next point, is it possible that a man such as myself can sustain a monogamous relationship without it becoming monotonous, or is that the inevitable?
Way back in the gap, I fell in love hard with a woman who was as random as a pair of dice. Monogamy was difficult for me in the onset of our relationship, but once I realized that this woman had something that I hadn't had before (or since) I realized that it was a small price to pay. One thing that our relationship wasn't was monotonous, I really never knew what to expect from this woman, and that's what I liked about her. This may be what caused her to leave me, as she probably didn't know what she wanted her damn self, but such is life, I think I've grown since then. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to that point. Sure I've met women since then, sure I've been involved since then, but when things get repetitive, I usually break camp. Is it possible to have one without the other, will I find another who makes me feel as though monotony is the way to go, because at this point I haven't...
Mono - a combining form meaning “alone,” “single,” “one.”
Being someone with an affinity for the number one, people should be inclined to think that I would like words that display loyalty, singularity, and things of that nature, but I am also a reckless soul who craves change, just not in the people that I deal with. Dennis Green's quote that Coors has put in their marketing campaign is probably my favorite form of monotony; I like when "they were who we(I) thought they were." Yet, I hate monotony, I dislike routine and the same thing happening everyday as if life is scripted. I find comfort in knowing what is going to happen next, but that bores me and takes away from the beauty that is life. Typically, when I reach the point where I desire change, I usually do things completely out of character or eliminate things or people I consider to be mundane and routine. Which brings me to my next point, is it possible that a man such as myself can sustain a monogamous relationship without it becoming monotonous, or is that the inevitable?
Way back in the gap, I fell in love hard with a woman who was as random as a pair of dice. Monogamy was difficult for me in the onset of our relationship, but once I realized that this woman had something that I hadn't had before (or since) I realized that it was a small price to pay. One thing that our relationship wasn't was monotonous, I really never knew what to expect from this woman, and that's what I liked about her. This may be what caused her to leave me, as she probably didn't know what she wanted her damn self, but such is life, I think I've grown since then. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to that point. Sure I've met women since then, sure I've been involved since then, but when things get repetitive, I usually break camp. Is it possible to have one without the other, will I find another who makes me feel as though monotony is the way to go, because at this point I haven't...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
You May Love Her/Him, But You Love YOU More...
This posting is a follow-up to a blog of mine written on February 22, 2009, entitled "Love Is."
In the past few month I have switched my main points of contention in light of why I, as well as a lot of other people cannot find the type of love that many of our parents still have. When I wrote "Love Is" I was convinced that the problem was in many people's definition of love. But after reading the commentary on the posting via my Facebook notes, I have realized that my problem is not with defining love or in expressing it, but moreso in the application of it. I have thought for so long that no one was worthy enough to get all of me and my love, but I had another one of my spellbinding epiphanies the other day while discussing the death of the golden anniversary.
A few friends of mine were discussing on a message board how our generation may have killed the golden anniversary and the logic behind such a statement. Well one person's posting really hit home to me. They stated that reason why marriage is so short lived is that we are starting to value ourselves more than anything/anyone else. When you have many hip hop artists and pop culture icons saying things like 30 is the new 20, and 40 is the new 30, no one wants to be there own age anymore. Everyone wants to enjoy their time/freedom for as long as possible and forever is not a thought to be entertained unless we have our shit together.
Frederick Douglass once said that "without struggle there is no progress," but when it comes down to relationships without struggle there is no appreciation. What kept our grandparents together was the struggle that they shared together. In that day and age, getting married in your 30s was damn near unheard of, and the same followed true in our parents day and age, but mostly with the generation before them. Getting married in the 20s, fresh out of school meant that the two would struggle together as the worked to build their finances, their family, and other things that make a relationship/marriage work. Today it seems as though folks just want to press a button and add a spouse to the equation; they want to already have the house, already have the job, already have the car, and add a spouse and children to the equation. That is why marriages don't work these days, we are becoming so self-sufficient that when the first sign of trouble hits, we run because we were and most likely will continue to be fine by ourselves. We haven't learned what it is to appreciate being with someone in the good because we don't really know what the bad is truly like...
In the past few month I have switched my main points of contention in light of why I, as well as a lot of other people cannot find the type of love that many of our parents still have. When I wrote "Love Is" I was convinced that the problem was in many people's definition of love. But after reading the commentary on the posting via my Facebook notes, I have realized that my problem is not with defining love or in expressing it, but moreso in the application of it. I have thought for so long that no one was worthy enough to get all of me and my love, but I had another one of my spellbinding epiphanies the other day while discussing the death of the golden anniversary.
A few friends of mine were discussing on a message board how our generation may have killed the golden anniversary and the logic behind such a statement. Well one person's posting really hit home to me. They stated that reason why marriage is so short lived is that we are starting to value ourselves more than anything/anyone else. When you have many hip hop artists and pop culture icons saying things like 30 is the new 20, and 40 is the new 30, no one wants to be there own age anymore. Everyone wants to enjoy their time/freedom for as long as possible and forever is not a thought to be entertained unless we have our shit together.
Frederick Douglass once said that "without struggle there is no progress," but when it comes down to relationships without struggle there is no appreciation. What kept our grandparents together was the struggle that they shared together. In that day and age, getting married in your 30s was damn near unheard of, and the same followed true in our parents day and age, but mostly with the generation before them. Getting married in the 20s, fresh out of school meant that the two would struggle together as the worked to build their finances, their family, and other things that make a relationship/marriage work. Today it seems as though folks just want to press a button and add a spouse to the equation; they want to already have the house, already have the job, already have the car, and add a spouse and children to the equation. That is why marriages don't work these days, we are becoming so self-sufficient that when the first sign of trouble hits, we run because we were and most likely will continue to be fine by ourselves. We haven't learned what it is to appreciate being with someone in the good because we don't really know what the bad is truly like...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Coonery...at Essence???
The following blog is based upon a blog post that can be read in its entirety here
So, it seems that the breakout of coonery has spread to the media outlet of Essence Magazine. Now I know that some of you who did not take the time to read the link are probably in disbelief that Essence the magazine that has been empowering Black women for decades would stoop to the level of BET's coonery in an effort to sell magazines. Even as a man I know Essence to be one of the few readily accessible sources of positivity in the black community. The artists that perform at the Essence Music Festival in New Orleans are ones who do not reduce themselves to a level of "niggardry" in their art and the Essence Fest also has empowering seminars and a job fair in addition to the concert that is the primary reason for those who come to New Orleans to be in attendance. Essence's blog posting entitled "A Man's World" is no doubt designed to give black women insight into the inner psyche of the black man, a quest that has been going on since the beginning of the human species and far exceeds race, geographical area, and many other socio-economic factors. So in helping the woman on this journey, it would be beneficial to either have an expert on the discussion topic, or just an average guy, right? And that is where I am quick to throw the proverbial red flag and review this being considered coonery. Essence would have us believe that the average black male or expert on the black male in America believes in the "jump-off."
For those of us who aren't privy on what a jump-off is, it is synonymous with what we in New Orleans call a "booty buddy" or a relationship that is entirely based upon sex. While I'm not going to be a hypocrite and pretend that I've never had a jump-off, I am concerned of the message that this post sends out to the general public. Basically Jozen Cummings' point in this whole posting is that women should not take offense to being the jump-off because it takes a lot of work in keeping the jump-off happy. Again I am not going to act like he's not telling the truth, but I'm not sure that this is the right message for Essence to convey. I've read some of Cummings' other blog and have realized that this ignorance probably comes from him being employed by VIBE. In the era where the black man's name has truly become mud, where most women think that he is truly concerned with himself and his insatiable desire to smash any and everything that walks, is it appropriate to have a man co-sign to this? Did BET drive all of our media outlets crazy and now we must perpetuate every negative stereotype that is prevalent in the Black community?
So, it seems that the breakout of coonery has spread to the media outlet of Essence Magazine. Now I know that some of you who did not take the time to read the link are probably in disbelief that Essence the magazine that has been empowering Black women for decades would stoop to the level of BET's coonery in an effort to sell magazines. Even as a man I know Essence to be one of the few readily accessible sources of positivity in the black community. The artists that perform at the Essence Music Festival in New Orleans are ones who do not reduce themselves to a level of "niggardry" in their art and the Essence Fest also has empowering seminars and a job fair in addition to the concert that is the primary reason for those who come to New Orleans to be in attendance. Essence's blog posting entitled "A Man's World" is no doubt designed to give black women insight into the inner psyche of the black man, a quest that has been going on since the beginning of the human species and far exceeds race, geographical area, and many other socio-economic factors. So in helping the woman on this journey, it would be beneficial to either have an expert on the discussion topic, or just an average guy, right? And that is where I am quick to throw the proverbial red flag and review this being considered coonery. Essence would have us believe that the average black male or expert on the black male in America believes in the "jump-off."
For those of us who aren't privy on what a jump-off is, it is synonymous with what we in New Orleans call a "booty buddy" or a relationship that is entirely based upon sex. While I'm not going to be a hypocrite and pretend that I've never had a jump-off, I am concerned of the message that this post sends out to the general public. Basically Jozen Cummings' point in this whole posting is that women should not take offense to being the jump-off because it takes a lot of work in keeping the jump-off happy. Again I am not going to act like he's not telling the truth, but I'm not sure that this is the right message for Essence to convey. I've read some of Cummings' other blog and have realized that this ignorance probably comes from him being employed by VIBE. In the era where the black man's name has truly become mud, where most women think that he is truly concerned with himself and his insatiable desire to smash any and everything that walks, is it appropriate to have a man co-sign to this? Did BET drive all of our media outlets crazy and now we must perpetuate every negative stereotype that is prevalent in the Black community?
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Pelican State of Mine...
For those of yall who say that Jay-Z is a walking dinosaur who has no status or grounds to talk about what is relevant in Hip Hop today, I really encourage you to give Blueprint 3 another listen. I know I may be speaking too early or moreso from a personal standpoint, but the track Empire State of Mind is definitely a classic in my opinion. The funny part is that I find the song inspiring although I'm not from New York and haven't been there in years. Which got me to thinking, in my course of trying to make New Orleans the worldwide centerpiece that I believe it should be (DARANDA FOR MAYOR...koming soon), if I were to capture New Orleans in a song, who would I put on it? I know Wayne is probably the obvious choice, but I dunno how well Mr. Carter would promote the message I'd try to give. I mean I'd want this track to be on some legendary shit, kinda like Jay and Alicia did. Hmmmm...I think I'll have this settled by the time I kome up with a campaign, but I have a more pressing blog that I need to write...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Do You Know Your Rights...
I engaged in a discussion today with a woman I met in family court in which she asked me how can I be a defense attorney representing the guilty which left me thinking about the judicial system of the United States. I can't say that I am appalled because it wasn't until I actually started practicing that I realized that the legal field is on a deeper level than simply guilty or non guilty. I often wonder if a large percentage of Americans look at defense attorneys as those who advocate for the guilty. But the funny part is that a lot of people feel this way until it is their child/sibling/parent who is the one considered to be guilty...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son...
First of all, if you haven't seen the debauchery that has been the subject of many a tweet, Facebook status, blog, and vlog, please click this link...
Now, I know that this has been widely commented upon and the like, but since I'm not a total fan of other genres of music other than Rap, R&B, and Reggae, I actually didn't catch the VMAs last night. Besides, this is my blog, and I'll write on whatever I want (sorry, I had a Kanye moment).
Kanye West, Mr. Super Producer Extraordinaire, what else is there to say about you? You have been outspoken in the plight of my fellow New Orleanians in our strife with the federal government ("George Bush doesn't care about black people"), and you have never bit your tounge when it come to matters that you find important but let me go ahead on and help you out a bit, Mr. West. First of all, I love how opinionated you are, and furthermore, I admire your asshole tendencies (takes one to know one, right?). But secondly, Kanye must come to terms with what I am slowly grasping, that being an asshole is not always admirable. (Some will be in shock that I said that) Kanye, we all understand how hard you work, and how far you have come, believe me, we do. But sometimes your rants make you seem more like a primadonna, spoiled rich girl, or pissed-off ex-girlfriend than the self-proclaimed "New King of Pop." Besides, didn't you say that you don't fuck with Pop after feeling disrespected at the 2007 VMAs? Now for my contention...The award that was given was not Kanye's to win, thus making his comment unnecessary and a showing of bad judgment and ungentlemanly amongst other things. Kanye told us all about how George Bush really feels about black people but what he failed to realize that a large percentage of White America doesn't care about black people. Michael Jackson was the first black performer to crack in the MTV video rotation as a frequent showing, so what makes you think that it would be entirely different in 2009? It is still White America who watches MTV, and you know they love their darlings. Think Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, or Britney Spears before the drugs, you can't say anything bad about them. So why would you think that Beyonce would have one that against the new little darling of 2009? Kanye West must realize that to whom much is given, much is required, and that turning on White America knowing that they are the ones who actually buy records, might not be the smartest of moves. That was an embarrassment to Black America. Kanye has proven to America that he is brazen, but had no thought behind his actions. MTV does not control who wins what at the VMAs, the fans do, and in that he should consider American Idol, Americas Best Dance Crew, and even the Presidential Election and come to grips with that fact that for the most part, Black America doesn't vote.
And the end of the day, its not as racist as I and others allude to, Kanye just needs to think before he acts, before we all look at him like the Mad Rapper of old Bad Boy Records, okay he's mad, but no one really understands, and no one really cares. You wanna dress like a gentleman, then act like on, Mr. West...
Now, I know that this has been widely commented upon and the like, but since I'm not a total fan of other genres of music other than Rap, R&B, and Reggae, I actually didn't catch the VMAs last night. Besides, this is my blog, and I'll write on whatever I want (sorry, I had a Kanye moment).
Kanye West, Mr. Super Producer Extraordinaire, what else is there to say about you? You have been outspoken in the plight of my fellow New Orleanians in our strife with the federal government ("George Bush doesn't care about black people"), and you have never bit your tounge when it come to matters that you find important but let me go ahead on and help you out a bit, Mr. West. First of all, I love how opinionated you are, and furthermore, I admire your asshole tendencies (takes one to know one, right?). But secondly, Kanye must come to terms with what I am slowly grasping, that being an asshole is not always admirable. (Some will be in shock that I said that) Kanye, we all understand how hard you work, and how far you have come, believe me, we do. But sometimes your rants make you seem more like a primadonna, spoiled rich girl, or pissed-off ex-girlfriend than the self-proclaimed "New King of Pop." Besides, didn't you say that you don't fuck with Pop after feeling disrespected at the 2007 VMAs? Now for my contention...The award that was given was not Kanye's to win, thus making his comment unnecessary and a showing of bad judgment and ungentlemanly amongst other things. Kanye told us all about how George Bush really feels about black people but what he failed to realize that a large percentage of White America doesn't care about black people. Michael Jackson was the first black performer to crack in the MTV video rotation as a frequent showing, so what makes you think that it would be entirely different in 2009? It is still White America who watches MTV, and you know they love their darlings. Think Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, or Britney Spears before the drugs, you can't say anything bad about them. So why would you think that Beyonce would have one that against the new little darling of 2009? Kanye West must realize that to whom much is given, much is required, and that turning on White America knowing that they are the ones who actually buy records, might not be the smartest of moves. That was an embarrassment to Black America. Kanye has proven to America that he is brazen, but had no thought behind his actions. MTV does not control who wins what at the VMAs, the fans do, and in that he should consider American Idol, Americas Best Dance Crew, and even the Presidential Election and come to grips with that fact that for the most part, Black America doesn't vote.
And the end of the day, its not as racist as I and others allude to, Kanye just needs to think before he acts, before we all look at him like the Mad Rapper of old Bad Boy Records, okay he's mad, but no one really understands, and no one really cares. You wanna dress like a gentleman, then act like on, Mr. West...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Stunting Like My Daddy...
It took me over 20 years to understand my father. I wasn't privy to the one-parent household growing up because Anthony was live and direct, but sometimes I wish I were. My daddy was in my face, whether I liked it or not, and in recent years I have come to realize that in the end, his was the only respect that I have ever craved. This could be attributed to the fact that I, like most boys, wanted to be just like daddy. Daddy was my hero, everything he did was cool, all his jokes were funny, he even made me want to smoke (thanx a lot for that bad habit pops!). In my later years, prolly that whole teenage rebellion type of this, being just like daddy was no longer good enough. I noticed his flaws and in comparison to my life, felt like I could and would do better. So then I got to the point where I had to be better than daddy. Throwing aside daddy's mantra that hardwork always pays off, I figured I could do better as a white-collar worker, and pay someone to do manual labor. So I selected one of the hardest majors that I could because dad wound up in EE, but he didn't finish. So then I graduated, I got the degree that dad didn't but mom did, I upped mom's GPA by six-tenths of a point, and then upped both of them by going to law school and then passing the bar.
But then, came life. As I embarked upon the real world, I realize that even thought Anthony and I wear the same size shoe, I still can't fit his. This is the man that dropped out of school to put my mom through school, at the age of 23, and married her at 24. This is the same man that spoiled me rotten, and gave me everything I have ever needed, even to this day. And the older I get, the more I seem to understand him. I look at my short comings and feel like I may never match up to this man. I love hearing him tell me how proud he is of me, I never heard that much as a child. Daddy, I love you, and I'm working tirelessly to be the man you raised me to be, although its taking a big longer than I expected, I'm getting there. I only hope you get to see it.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Acceptance...It Really Is Okay
My name is Kellen Anthony Daranda. I am a 26 year old licensed attorney in the State of Texas. I am originally from New Orleans, Louisiana, and a graduate of Southern University. I am the father of an amazing 3 year old by the name of Kaiden Michael Daranda, and I am gainfully employed in this ridiculous economy. To some, that may be enough to shake a stick at, but to me, it really isn't THAT great...
Throughout my life I have maintained a life that was centered around nothing ever really being enough for me. I am my own biggest critic, and this is something that I am attempting to stop. Starting today, August 17, 2009, I will be a new man, a man that is acceptant of what I don't like about my life, and not willing to live a certain way because others tell me I should.
First of all, I am 26 and single. I think I want to be married because my upbringing tells me so. My parents were celebrating 2 years of marriage when they reached my age, so I think I should be there, but the fact that I'm not even close boggles me. However, that is okay. The fact is, I don't really know what it is that I want, not from life, not from my career, not even from a mate. But you know what, that is okay, I'll figure it out.
Secondly, my son's mother irks me saily about money, and how I am a piss poor father, because I don't call everyday, and don't have money to give. I need to let go of my shortcomings and focus more on my son. Which I plan to do from here on out. So what that I'm not making the money that I envisioned, it's okay.
I'm not living like feather in the wind, I know where I want to go, but I can only get there under the right forces. If I don't where I envision, that's okay, I'm a pretty decent person, if I do say so myself!
Throughout my life I have maintained a life that was centered around nothing ever really being enough for me. I am my own biggest critic, and this is something that I am attempting to stop. Starting today, August 17, 2009, I will be a new man, a man that is acceptant of what I don't like about my life, and not willing to live a certain way because others tell me I should.
First of all, I am 26 and single. I think I want to be married because my upbringing tells me so. My parents were celebrating 2 years of marriage when they reached my age, so I think I should be there, but the fact that I'm not even close boggles me. However, that is okay. The fact is, I don't really know what it is that I want, not from life, not from my career, not even from a mate. But you know what, that is okay, I'll figure it out.
Secondly, my son's mother irks me saily about money, and how I am a piss poor father, because I don't call everyday, and don't have money to give. I need to let go of my shortcomings and focus more on my son. Which I plan to do from here on out. So what that I'm not making the money that I envisioned, it's okay.
I'm not living like feather in the wind, I know where I want to go, but I can only get there under the right forces. If I don't where I envision, that's okay, I'm a pretty decent person, if I do say so myself!
Friday, August 7, 2009
With Hair...or Without...
Yesterday I became privy to an assumption that I had heard before while in a discussion with my partners but never really crossed my mind. In an office of four men under the age of 35, one could imagine that women are a frequent topic of discussion for us, and yesterday was no different. I was antagonized by one of my partners because in this week I had expressed an attraction to two women under the age of 20 (don’t be alarmed, they were legal), and I used the age-old phrase “if there’s grass on the field then play ball.” But then I had to correct myself because I prefer a vagina with a minimal amount of hair if any at all. Which brought the response, “how can you say that you like a shaved cooter, doesn’t that remind you of a little girls va-jay-jay?” I sat about it and thought for a minute, thinking that outside of changing diapers for family members and friends of mine, I had never seen the privates of anyone less than the age of 14. (I’m talking when I was 15, before yall think something is wrong with me) Now I posed the question of whether preferring a shaven cooch makes me a pervert to a friend of mine and she responded that I more than likely prefer it shaved because:
1. makes it more visually stimulating thus mouthwatering
2. the hair doesn't bother your face
3. it's quite porn-ish
4. it's clean looking.
All of these reasons fell directly with my logic, but then my partners posed a question to me which has me in slump; if I were to see a picture of a prepubescent cooter and a baldly shaven one, would I be able to tell the difference? I think that I could but I’m not sure…I know that I think too much, but this one is really bothering me.
1. makes it more visually stimulating thus mouthwatering
2. the hair doesn't bother your face
3. it's quite porn-ish
4. it's clean looking.
All of these reasons fell directly with my logic, but then my partners posed a question to me which has me in slump; if I were to see a picture of a prepubescent cooter and a baldly shaven one, would I be able to tell the difference? I think that I could but I’m not sure…I know that I think too much, but this one is really bothering me.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Problem With Relationships...
I have finally figured out why I am so cautious when it comes to relationships. It isn't because my heart still belongs to my ex, (she hasn't responded yet, but I'll give her a week) but because I know too much and fear that my knowledge is what prevents me from giving someone my all. Everyone has heard the phrase "ignorance is bliss" and I guess that's what prevents me from being blissful in a relationship, because I know too much. I've never been a supporter of the phrase "all men are dogs," but if we are going to put men in this category, lets do the same for the female gender. And then, lets not make a generalization, lets just say women are just as incapable of fidelity within a relationship as men, and many do act on their thoughts. I'm not speaking something that I've heard, I'm speaking what I know. A common phrase that those close to me have heard me say is not one of those inspiring lyrics that encompass my Facebook status; I really can fuck your girl, and often times I do! However, in 2009, I'm trying to grow, and because I know how karma feels, I don't want to engage in those type of activities anymore. I'm not talking about what a female used to do, because I don't want to compare "rap sheets" with any woman, I'm damn sure she wouldn't want to be with me anymore and everyone has a past, I'm talking about what you are doing and have done in the past few years. Are there any good women left?
Friday, July 31, 2009
5 Years in the Making...
I have finally figured out what's up with me and my search to obtain a girlfriend and potentially a wife, my heart still has the initials AMB engraved on it. And that was my gift and my curse. The gift that I had found THAT chick, the woman who looked, acted, and dressed the way I found uber attractive. This same woman who valued family as much as I did and whom I couldn't see my life without. However, fate in the end had the last laugh, and she is no longer as integral of a part of my life as she once once was. Now in my pursuit for something new and something real, I have realized that in order for me to do that I need closure, on this statement so I'll just put everything out there, maybe I'll send her the link to read this, or maybe I'll just send it to her. But she definitely needs to read this...
My beloved Moodie,
There have been countless times when I have attempted to write you this letter where I either could not bring myself to push the "send" button, or ripped up the paper and threw the pieces away, but I think now I have the heart to do it, and face the music. There was a time when all I could do is think of you, when my day wasn't complete until I spoke to you, and I could spend hours looking at the collage I had of us on my bedroom wall. They say that time heals all wounds but five years have passed since the day you told me that my life had no choice but to continue on without you, and I'm still not whole. You were the first woman I opened up to, the first one I could not envision life without. It's just time that I told you everything...
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was by Joseph's house the night before we were going to take a weekend trip to Astroworld and I asked Jennifer to throw me on one of her friends. She asked me what I liked and I told her I wanted something short, light-skinned, thick, with long hair and an attitude, and she proceeded to put me in contact with you. BOY DID SHE GET THAT ONE RIGHT! I remember we spent all night on the phone and I talked to you all that weekend from the ride to Houston, while there, and on the way back. The following weekend I got the chance to see you at the Palace on Manhattan and we saw Scary Movie 2 on the 4th of July and I was singing praises to Jennifer because she had did a great job in hooking me up with what was supposed to be my summer fling. But we managed to be inseparable for the entire summer and I told you that I loved you before the end of July. That was the summer that changed the rest of my life.
Back to school in the fall was cool, we talked, hung out when I came home for the weekends, and we went through a slight downfall when I made line in the spring. But we got right back to business as usual that next summer. It was the next school year that caused us so much trouble. I remember how you wanted to be a Dancing Doll, and wanted to pledge Beta Psi, and remember when you, Ms. Claudia, and some of your friends came to visit Southern on my birthday in 2003. I still have the picture you and I took in Higgins Hall that day. But it was the events that happened soon after that which took the greatest toll on us. I often wonder what would have happened if I wasn't on this big ass kick about being a junior in college and 20 yrs old with an 18yr old girlfriend still in high school. If I would have taken you to the prom, would you have still signed up for the National Guard? If I wouldn't have gotten in that accident and almost died in May, would you have still realized that deep down inside you still love me? What happened to that?
My dear Kreampuff, what happened to us? I remember not being able to get in touch with you in the beginning of 2004 when you were supposed to be shipped off, and crying because I couldn't see you the day before you left. I also remember the joy I felt seeing your name on my caller-id that morning and thinking that u decided to go AWOL for me before I decided to call you back. I remember us going running together daily in an effort to help you lose the weight you needed to go off knowing that you may get shipped to Iraq and I may never see you again. I even remember 1.19.04 to Forever, do you? I remember the letters from Basic (all of which I still have), I remember you sneaking on the phone to call me, I even remember how that summer was filled with me, thinking about you, dreaming of you, and quitting smoking just for you. I remember the look on your face when I was there for your graduation from Basic, how you cried tears of joy and ran into my arms before you even saw your parents because I led you to believe that I wouldn't be able to make it. I remember how proud you were to introduce me to bunkmates, battle buddies, and your commanding officers as your boyfriend who was on his way to law school, and how I was supposed to attend LSU while you were at Southern and how I found us a two-bedroom town house right outside LSU's campus, how I had planned to give you Kennedy Alexis or Kellen Anthony II to ensure the Army wouldn't take you from me.
But then, it became apparent to me how the Army wouldn't get the chance to take you from me, because little Miss Moodie would do it by herself. During your stint in AIT, the phone calls slowed, you were too busy for me, I even had to harass you to be there for me when I got my results from the LSAT, and you didn't even find out about how well I did until the day after. I did my part, I got into law school, I found us a spot, all I needed was you. I even remember sitting in my car crying after the disappointing results from the Southern University 2004 Homecoming Greek Show, when I found out that the love of my life was home, but didn't want me to come see her. That she was breaking up with me, and my life was now in shambles. So I did what anybody else who was not used to pain would do, I ran. I decided to go to Texas to pursue my legal career, in an attempt to forget about you, and bury the pain deep inside hoping another would never do me like that and start over. How could the one I gave my heart to treat me so cold?
But your memory remained. I remember adding you to my list of worry in my first semester of law school as I watched the horror Katrina inflicted on our beloved New Orleans. I remember the fear I had knowing you were still down there with your unit, I remember praying for your safety daily when I learned you were in the Superdome, and I remember the joy I felt everytime I got the chance to hear your voice and know that you were okay. I had a girlfriend my first year of law school and I remember breaking up with her because I told her that I had mentally cheated on her during Homecoming 2005 when we danced the entire night at the Kappa party, how we spent most of the morning talking in my car, and how I kissed you goodbye at your post in Baton Rouge. I remember helping you with your Blackboard assignments while you were at SUNO, and how I just wished you would realize that I would do anything for you and would take you back like nothing had ever happened, but all this was for naught. I remember seeing you in the House of Blues sometime in 2006 and crying on the walk back to my car while Mark wrapped his arm around me because it was then that I thought I had finally come to grips with the fact that you and I were just not meant to be. But later that year, specifically the Halloween party at Metro, I remember seeing you and how everything I once felt for you came back. I remember how you told me that you were jealous of Erica because she had my first-born, something that you wanted to give me, and how I tried in vain to explain to you that you were the one who fucked that up, and while you couldn't give me my first-born, we can still spend the rest of our lives together. But what you don't know is how intimidated Erica is by you. How she was mad at me when I told her on January 19, 2004 that I couldn't see her anymore because you and I were going to make things work, and we were going to get married and see forever together. She and I only started kicking it again once you left me. Do you realize that she went through my camera and deleted the picture that you and I took in Metro that night, and also deleted the picture from my computer? She knew that she couldn't compete with you and despite how bad she wanted me, she could never have me as long as I still had AMB engraved on my heart. Its funny how you never saw that but the mother of my son did.
In the 8 years I have been knowing you, no one has ever been able to hold a candle to you. You are my version of perfection, and although I like to tell people that perfection shitted on me, I would take you back without any hesitation, even if it meant that you would be living in New Orleans, while I was in Houston. I can't be mad at you because you cheated on me, hell, before January 19, 2004, I cheated on you, a lot. I don't know if you knew that or not but I had to come clean. I also need to come clean on a lot of other shit; I still have every letter that you have ever sent to me, and every picture that we have ever taken (aside from the ones I gave you that ol boy destroyed), I still even have the bee you gave me in 2001 from when you were the bee at Prep. I still hold that Coach heart keychain you gave to me before you left as one of my dearest possessions, and its still on my keys, the same place it has been since 2004 because I feel like if I have your heart, you can't get rid of me. But maybe if you give me my heart back I can give you yours. Kreampuff, I love you, I loved you when I was 18 years old, and I still love you at 26, nothing has changed, however, I need closure with this and stop holding on to a future that may never be. I never envisioned life without you, but in the 5 years that I have spent without you, I have been nothing less than unhappy. I can't seem to find happiness in a relationship because I think everyone will leave me, but I hold none of that against you. As I stated earlier, I would take you back in a heartbeat like only a few months have passed rather than a few years. I can't stop smoking those cigarettes that you hate because they are always there for me when I need them. I just wanna smile for real again. The only thing in my world that makes me happy is Kaiden, everything is disappointment. I need to be happy again, and I wish you were the one to make me feel that way. However, in the event that you are unwilling to try again with me, please let me know so that I can finally move on. I tell B Carroll, Erin, and Tracey everytime I see them how much I miss you, I always ask about you, and I ask them to hook me up with you relentlessly, but now its time for me to express all this to you. I'm a big boy so please don't worry about hurting my feelings anymore than you already have, just give me a response to what I told you, and in the event that you feel our history was just a dumb mistake, let me know so I can proceed with life and give my all to another, and we can possibly be friends one day.
Yours, but not always anymore,
Fatbutt
My beloved Moodie,
There have been countless times when I have attempted to write you this letter where I either could not bring myself to push the "send" button, or ripped up the paper and threw the pieces away, but I think now I have the heart to do it, and face the music. There was a time when all I could do is think of you, when my day wasn't complete until I spoke to you, and I could spend hours looking at the collage I had of us on my bedroom wall. They say that time heals all wounds but five years have passed since the day you told me that my life had no choice but to continue on without you, and I'm still not whole. You were the first woman I opened up to, the first one I could not envision life without. It's just time that I told you everything...
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was by Joseph's house the night before we were going to take a weekend trip to Astroworld and I asked Jennifer to throw me on one of her friends. She asked me what I liked and I told her I wanted something short, light-skinned, thick, with long hair and an attitude, and she proceeded to put me in contact with you. BOY DID SHE GET THAT ONE RIGHT! I remember we spent all night on the phone and I talked to you all that weekend from the ride to Houston, while there, and on the way back. The following weekend I got the chance to see you at the Palace on Manhattan and we saw Scary Movie 2 on the 4th of July and I was singing praises to Jennifer because she had did a great job in hooking me up with what was supposed to be my summer fling. But we managed to be inseparable for the entire summer and I told you that I loved you before the end of July. That was the summer that changed the rest of my life.
Back to school in the fall was cool, we talked, hung out when I came home for the weekends, and we went through a slight downfall when I made line in the spring. But we got right back to business as usual that next summer. It was the next school year that caused us so much trouble. I remember how you wanted to be a Dancing Doll, and wanted to pledge Beta Psi, and remember when you, Ms. Claudia, and some of your friends came to visit Southern on my birthday in 2003. I still have the picture you and I took in Higgins Hall that day. But it was the events that happened soon after that which took the greatest toll on us. I often wonder what would have happened if I wasn't on this big ass kick about being a junior in college and 20 yrs old with an 18yr old girlfriend still in high school. If I would have taken you to the prom, would you have still signed up for the National Guard? If I wouldn't have gotten in that accident and almost died in May, would you have still realized that deep down inside you still love me? What happened to that?
My dear Kreampuff, what happened to us? I remember not being able to get in touch with you in the beginning of 2004 when you were supposed to be shipped off, and crying because I couldn't see you the day before you left. I also remember the joy I felt seeing your name on my caller-id that morning and thinking that u decided to go AWOL for me before I decided to call you back. I remember us going running together daily in an effort to help you lose the weight you needed to go off knowing that you may get shipped to Iraq and I may never see you again. I even remember 1.19.04 to Forever, do you? I remember the letters from Basic (all of which I still have), I remember you sneaking on the phone to call me, I even remember how that summer was filled with me, thinking about you, dreaming of you, and quitting smoking just for you. I remember the look on your face when I was there for your graduation from Basic, how you cried tears of joy and ran into my arms before you even saw your parents because I led you to believe that I wouldn't be able to make it. I remember how proud you were to introduce me to bunkmates, battle buddies, and your commanding officers as your boyfriend who was on his way to law school, and how I was supposed to attend LSU while you were at Southern and how I found us a two-bedroom town house right outside LSU's campus, how I had planned to give you Kennedy Alexis or Kellen Anthony II to ensure the Army wouldn't take you from me.
But then, it became apparent to me how the Army wouldn't get the chance to take you from me, because little Miss Moodie would do it by herself. During your stint in AIT, the phone calls slowed, you were too busy for me, I even had to harass you to be there for me when I got my results from the LSAT, and you didn't even find out about how well I did until the day after. I did my part, I got into law school, I found us a spot, all I needed was you. I even remember sitting in my car crying after the disappointing results from the Southern University 2004 Homecoming Greek Show, when I found out that the love of my life was home, but didn't want me to come see her. That she was breaking up with me, and my life was now in shambles. So I did what anybody else who was not used to pain would do, I ran. I decided to go to Texas to pursue my legal career, in an attempt to forget about you, and bury the pain deep inside hoping another would never do me like that and start over. How could the one I gave my heart to treat me so cold?
But your memory remained. I remember adding you to my list of worry in my first semester of law school as I watched the horror Katrina inflicted on our beloved New Orleans. I remember the fear I had knowing you were still down there with your unit, I remember praying for your safety daily when I learned you were in the Superdome, and I remember the joy I felt everytime I got the chance to hear your voice and know that you were okay. I had a girlfriend my first year of law school and I remember breaking up with her because I told her that I had mentally cheated on her during Homecoming 2005 when we danced the entire night at the Kappa party, how we spent most of the morning talking in my car, and how I kissed you goodbye at your post in Baton Rouge. I remember helping you with your Blackboard assignments while you were at SUNO, and how I just wished you would realize that I would do anything for you and would take you back like nothing had ever happened, but all this was for naught. I remember seeing you in the House of Blues sometime in 2006 and crying on the walk back to my car while Mark wrapped his arm around me because it was then that I thought I had finally come to grips with the fact that you and I were just not meant to be. But later that year, specifically the Halloween party at Metro, I remember seeing you and how everything I once felt for you came back. I remember how you told me that you were jealous of Erica because she had my first-born, something that you wanted to give me, and how I tried in vain to explain to you that you were the one who fucked that up, and while you couldn't give me my first-born, we can still spend the rest of our lives together. But what you don't know is how intimidated Erica is by you. How she was mad at me when I told her on January 19, 2004 that I couldn't see her anymore because you and I were going to make things work, and we were going to get married and see forever together. She and I only started kicking it again once you left me. Do you realize that she went through my camera and deleted the picture that you and I took in Metro that night, and also deleted the picture from my computer? She knew that she couldn't compete with you and despite how bad she wanted me, she could never have me as long as I still had AMB engraved on my heart. Its funny how you never saw that but the mother of my son did.
In the 8 years I have been knowing you, no one has ever been able to hold a candle to you. You are my version of perfection, and although I like to tell people that perfection shitted on me, I would take you back without any hesitation, even if it meant that you would be living in New Orleans, while I was in Houston. I can't be mad at you because you cheated on me, hell, before January 19, 2004, I cheated on you, a lot. I don't know if you knew that or not but I had to come clean. I also need to come clean on a lot of other shit; I still have every letter that you have ever sent to me, and every picture that we have ever taken (aside from the ones I gave you that ol boy destroyed), I still even have the bee you gave me in 2001 from when you were the bee at Prep. I still hold that Coach heart keychain you gave to me before you left as one of my dearest possessions, and its still on my keys, the same place it has been since 2004 because I feel like if I have your heart, you can't get rid of me. But maybe if you give me my heart back I can give you yours. Kreampuff, I love you, I loved you when I was 18 years old, and I still love you at 26, nothing has changed, however, I need closure with this and stop holding on to a future that may never be. I never envisioned life without you, but in the 5 years that I have spent without you, I have been nothing less than unhappy. I can't seem to find happiness in a relationship because I think everyone will leave me, but I hold none of that against you. As I stated earlier, I would take you back in a heartbeat like only a few months have passed rather than a few years. I can't stop smoking those cigarettes that you hate because they are always there for me when I need them. I just wanna smile for real again. The only thing in my world that makes me happy is Kaiden, everything is disappointment. I need to be happy again, and I wish you were the one to make me feel that way. However, in the event that you are unwilling to try again with me, please let me know so that I can finally move on. I tell B Carroll, Erin, and Tracey everytime I see them how much I miss you, I always ask about you, and I ask them to hook me up with you relentlessly, but now its time for me to express all this to you. I'm a big boy so please don't worry about hurting my feelings anymore than you already have, just give me a response to what I told you, and in the event that you feel our history was just a dumb mistake, let me know so I can proceed with life and give my all to another, and we can possibly be friends one day.
Yours, but not always anymore,
Fatbutt
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Adventures in the Life...
I don't know what's worse a self-confident black man, a lawyer, or the combination of both. My partners and I walk with an arrogance that plays Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothing" as a theme-song to our entrance, and as a result we act like it. Monday was proof of that. Maybe I'm being too hard on my colleagues and I, maybe it's just society. For some unknown reason, maybe a well-dressed black man is held to a higher standard, the upper echelon if you will, making him unable to be a commoner. Such was evident in the photo of Barack Obama that had been posted over the news media in recent weeks...
Now, this picture has been the topic of several discussions amongst my friends, colleagues, associates, and co-workers, some of which have went to bat for the President of the United States, defending him tooth and nail. However, I won't give Mr. President that much credit. I mean, look at the photo carefully, specifically the ass at which the President is said to be oogling. I mean, it is a nice ass, isn't it? But with that being said, people need to realize that the first black President of the United States is still a man. A black man at that, whom society knows has an affinity for fat asses, shit, it's in our nature. But the man is not a deity, and people should realize that at the end of the day, he still starts off the day by taking a piss and hopefully washing his hands. Which brings me to a nice transition into the point of this posting; is it a crime to look?
On Tuesday, my partners and I decided for a change of pace for lunch and actually did brunch at IHOP. Well IHOP was great, I had a good Big Steak Omelette, but before I could even jump into my Omelette, the drama started in IHOP. Now I don't know how many people have actually eaten at IHOP at 2:00PM on a Tueday, but it's pretty much like a ghost-town. One of my partners brings everyone's attention to a woman who had on a pair of jeans that were too loose in the waist and had on a pair of granny panties with her ass crack hanging out, believe me, it wasn't a pretty picture. So after I threw up in my mouth I hear a woman in the party of about twelve to our right say "that was inappropriate" rather loudly. When we look in her direction she remarks, "yeah, I'm talking to yall." But we have learned that in our profession that it is egregious to let ignorance beget further ignorance, so we ignore the commentary and proceed back to our conversation. Now after the rather large party finishes their food and gets ready to leave, this same woman approaches our table to have a word with us, and that's where the drama picked up. The woman compliments our style of dress and how nice we looked but takes it upon herself to let us know that we should not have been looking at the woman's ass with her husband next to her and that we should be lucky that she was talking to us because the husband would not have been as receptive. The woman further goes on to ostracize us quoting the scriptures on something about lust or whatever but I ignored it because I was honestly repulsed by the sight of that ass. She also asked that if we were married, we would probably feel the same about someone looking at our wife's ass, but the men I was with, and myself included feel that when a man looks at your woman, its a compliment, besides, he has eyes, that's what they're for.
Then I got to thinking, so what if the husband would have jumped fly, what would that solve? What if we were all dressed in white tees and when she started with her ignorance we responded with further ignorance? Why is a powerful man expected to not be a man, and why must people always attempt to take any potential chance they have in an attempt to belittle him? And is looking really that bad? I need some help on this one...
Now, this picture has been the topic of several discussions amongst my friends, colleagues, associates, and co-workers, some of which have went to bat for the President of the United States, defending him tooth and nail. However, I won't give Mr. President that much credit. I mean, look at the photo carefully, specifically the ass at which the President is said to be oogling. I mean, it is a nice ass, isn't it? But with that being said, people need to realize that the first black President of the United States is still a man. A black man at that, whom society knows has an affinity for fat asses, shit, it's in our nature. But the man is not a deity, and people should realize that at the end of the day, he still starts off the day by taking a piss and hopefully washing his hands. Which brings me to a nice transition into the point of this posting; is it a crime to look?
On Tuesday, my partners and I decided for a change of pace for lunch and actually did brunch at IHOP. Well IHOP was great, I had a good Big Steak Omelette, but before I could even jump into my Omelette, the drama started in IHOP. Now I don't know how many people have actually eaten at IHOP at 2:00PM on a Tueday, but it's pretty much like a ghost-town. One of my partners brings everyone's attention to a woman who had on a pair of jeans that were too loose in the waist and had on a pair of granny panties with her ass crack hanging out, believe me, it wasn't a pretty picture. So after I threw up in my mouth I hear a woman in the party of about twelve to our right say "that was inappropriate" rather loudly. When we look in her direction she remarks, "yeah, I'm talking to yall." But we have learned that in our profession that it is egregious to let ignorance beget further ignorance, so we ignore the commentary and proceed back to our conversation. Now after the rather large party finishes their food and gets ready to leave, this same woman approaches our table to have a word with us, and that's where the drama picked up. The woman compliments our style of dress and how nice we looked but takes it upon herself to let us know that we should not have been looking at the woman's ass with her husband next to her and that we should be lucky that she was talking to us because the husband would not have been as receptive. The woman further goes on to ostracize us quoting the scriptures on something about lust or whatever but I ignored it because I was honestly repulsed by the sight of that ass. She also asked that if we were married, we would probably feel the same about someone looking at our wife's ass, but the men I was with, and myself included feel that when a man looks at your woman, its a compliment, besides, he has eyes, that's what they're for.
Then I got to thinking, so what if the husband would have jumped fly, what would that solve? What if we were all dressed in white tees and when she started with her ignorance we responded with further ignorance? Why is a powerful man expected to not be a man, and why must people always attempt to take any potential chance they have in an attempt to belittle him? And is looking really that bad? I need some help on this one...
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Worthless?
I really wish that it was possible to drive and type at the same time. The kind of self-reflection sessions I have in the 5 hrs that it takes me to get to New Orleans from Houston and the 5 hrs back are my time to do nothing but think. I put my Ipod on random and pretty much listen to whatever comes on, but I think. I take the time to chill out and put my worrisome soul at ease in spite of what's going on but when I reach New Orleans or Houston, I no longer have the words to bring my thoughts to a tangible medium for later reflection. I think that's my problem, despite being a "social butterfly" on the outside, I am hesitant to let people get to know the real me. I think that's why I started a blog, to post my thoughts and not be afraid of what people may think. Sure I post my controversial thoughts about things that have happened in the world on Facebook and sometimes get pissed when I reach the tag limit, because I want the world to know how brilliant I can be, but at the same time I am ashamed of the thoughts that I have that make me feel human, that my career, my status as a man, and my relationship status are not where I envisioned them to be.
I remarked sometime ago that I thought law school was a mistake because all I see is debt and don't really see these doors that were promised to me were hesitant to open up. Funny thing is that even though I have passed the bar, I am a partner in my own firm, and the "dream" is now reality, I still don't consider myself a success. I never looked at private practice in law school, that was Earl's dream, but here I am doing this, all because someone believed in me. Quinon has become someone I truly admire and aspire to be like. I look at him less as a partner but more as a mentor or that big brother I never had. He encourages me to do my best and pushes me further when I think I have nothing less. I guess that's what I missed out on in my childhood. I have nothing against my parents but I can't recall too many times hearing them tell me how proud they were of me. Maybe my self-motivation kept them from pushing me because no one in the world is as hard on me as I am, but it sure would feel good to know that someone is proud of me. I guess that's why I'm so cocky because nothing was ever that difficult for me, so doubt is something that is a new feeling for me, one that I'm not too fond of, and hate to see it rear its ugly head around when I'm trying to make some things happen. I wish I knew how to be as confident as everyone expects me to be but I'm lost. The real world is scary and I wish I could just go back to being a student where nothing was that difficult and everything pretty much happened the way I anticipated them to. In this world, I'm not guaranteed a check, and I'm scared of failing.
My dad always told me that scared shouldn't be in a man's vocabulary, but that's what I am at 26, scared. I struggle with looking my father in the eye because I don't feel like I match up to him. The man that put his wife through school her last year at the age of 22 has a son who is four years older than he when he did that and can't take care of himself let alone the child he brought into this world. But I don't tell him any of these things because I know that I wouldn't be the man he raised me to be. So that's how I've been all my life, trying to be more than what I am and keeping things inside because I'm scared to not live up to expectations or to have anyone ridicule me. But who am I kidding, I'm intimidated by anyone over 5'7" and look at men with nice physiques as why can't that be me. I'm secretly jealous of my friends who are making a name for themselves and are being the fathers that I cannot be. Man? Me? HA! I've tried to listen to my mother and friends when they tell me that Erica is crazy because every time we talk about Kaiden, she makes it out to be a monetary issue. I do have a lot of free time and could potentially get a part-time job, but in this economy, where could I work? I've far too long let people convince me that the truth is not what it seems to be, but now I need to listen to what's right. Despite Erica's motives, despite the economy, despite the money she makes, or her own living situation, she's right, I'm not picking up my end of the slack when it comes to Kaiden. I say all the time that my son is my world, but I haven't given Erica any money in the longest, not because I don't want to, but because I can't, and that makes me a little boy. Fuck all the time I spend with my child, fuck how he feels, I can't really look myself in the eye anymore, I want to cry but I'm not even man enough to do that.
So since I'm short, fat, not in touch with my emotions, and a little boy, why am I surprised that I can't find the right woman? I envisioned being married at this time and now I'll be lucky if it happens before 30, if at all. I had perfection and perfection shitted on me, but I'd still take her back in a heartbeat. Ashley Michelle Boult still has my heart and I keep hoping, wishing, and praying she comes back, but why would she ever want me with all of my faults as described above? So I try to move on and find someone that in spite of their flaws is good for me. I think I've found that, but I'm scared that I'll just fuck that up to same as everything else in my life. So I just keep on keeping on, hoping that one day I'll be able to release and let go and move on, but it doesn't seem like today is that day, anyway, thanks for listening...
I remarked sometime ago that I thought law school was a mistake because all I see is debt and don't really see these doors that were promised to me were hesitant to open up. Funny thing is that even though I have passed the bar, I am a partner in my own firm, and the "dream" is now reality, I still don't consider myself a success. I never looked at private practice in law school, that was Earl's dream, but here I am doing this, all because someone believed in me. Quinon has become someone I truly admire and aspire to be like. I look at him less as a partner but more as a mentor or that big brother I never had. He encourages me to do my best and pushes me further when I think I have nothing less. I guess that's what I missed out on in my childhood. I have nothing against my parents but I can't recall too many times hearing them tell me how proud they were of me. Maybe my self-motivation kept them from pushing me because no one in the world is as hard on me as I am, but it sure would feel good to know that someone is proud of me. I guess that's why I'm so cocky because nothing was ever that difficult for me, so doubt is something that is a new feeling for me, one that I'm not too fond of, and hate to see it rear its ugly head around when I'm trying to make some things happen. I wish I knew how to be as confident as everyone expects me to be but I'm lost. The real world is scary and I wish I could just go back to being a student where nothing was that difficult and everything pretty much happened the way I anticipated them to. In this world, I'm not guaranteed a check, and I'm scared of failing.
My dad always told me that scared shouldn't be in a man's vocabulary, but that's what I am at 26, scared. I struggle with looking my father in the eye because I don't feel like I match up to him. The man that put his wife through school her last year at the age of 22 has a son who is four years older than he when he did that and can't take care of himself let alone the child he brought into this world. But I don't tell him any of these things because I know that I wouldn't be the man he raised me to be. So that's how I've been all my life, trying to be more than what I am and keeping things inside because I'm scared to not live up to expectations or to have anyone ridicule me. But who am I kidding, I'm intimidated by anyone over 5'7" and look at men with nice physiques as why can't that be me. I'm secretly jealous of my friends who are making a name for themselves and are being the fathers that I cannot be. Man? Me? HA! I've tried to listen to my mother and friends when they tell me that Erica is crazy because every time we talk about Kaiden, she makes it out to be a monetary issue. I do have a lot of free time and could potentially get a part-time job, but in this economy, where could I work? I've far too long let people convince me that the truth is not what it seems to be, but now I need to listen to what's right. Despite Erica's motives, despite the economy, despite the money she makes, or her own living situation, she's right, I'm not picking up my end of the slack when it comes to Kaiden. I say all the time that my son is my world, but I haven't given Erica any money in the longest, not because I don't want to, but because I can't, and that makes me a little boy. Fuck all the time I spend with my child, fuck how he feels, I can't really look myself in the eye anymore, I want to cry but I'm not even man enough to do that.
So since I'm short, fat, not in touch with my emotions, and a little boy, why am I surprised that I can't find the right woman? I envisioned being married at this time and now I'll be lucky if it happens before 30, if at all. I had perfection and perfection shitted on me, but I'd still take her back in a heartbeat. Ashley Michelle Boult still has my heart and I keep hoping, wishing, and praying she comes back, but why would she ever want me with all of my faults as described above? So I try to move on and find someone that in spite of their flaws is good for me. I think I've found that, but I'm scared that I'll just fuck that up to same as everything else in my life. So I just keep on keeping on, hoping that one day I'll be able to release and let go and move on, but it doesn't seem like today is that day, anyway, thanks for listening...
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