Adonde Hacen Eso???

My last blog was one of confusion given the state of my personal "extra-curricular" activities, but I can proudly boast that it is getting better, at least in my mind. Well, I'm still in love with Ashley, gradually building up stronger and stronger feelings for Nicole, and starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Now granted I said that I have been giving a woman in my life the cold shoulder, and she sends me a text the other night that read:

"I called you earlier but whatever. Let me clear my conscience. I lunch with a guy today. I really like him. Then we watch a movie and I fell asleep. When I woke up he ate my pussy and we messed around a bit but I couldn't bring myself to fuck him. I felt guilty cause I love you. I told him that I love you, I guess this is life :-/"

I looked at the text in awe, thinking wow, she was really serious about her saying that she would start to fuck around with other dudes if I didn't treat her as she so desired. But that's good tho, maybe she can do better than me, cause clearly I aint shit. Well, the next morning she calls, and of course I'm like whatever because I really don't know how to feel. On one hand I feel betrayed because someone done got close to my chick but on the other hand I feel like I brought it upon myself. So on that one hand I wanna call her all kinds of bitches and hoes and sluts, but then on the other I know I can't be upset because that's not my old lady, and I've been doing the same thing myself. So I'm torn and I just tell her that I have a lot to think about, and I will talk to her later, I'm not sure when later will be, but I will talk to her later. Last night she texts me back saying that she's sorry for acting like an asshole and starting confusion, that she made the whole thing up and it was a cry for attention. She wanted to piss me off because I've been pissing her off, and even admitted to the course of action's immaturity and apologized but I don't know what to believe anymore.

I'm torn because I don't want to make a mistake with this decision, because I'm getting to the point where I want to settle down with one person, but I know I'm not ready for marriage. But damaging lies for the sake of attention, where they do that at? Do good women do that? Should I just let her fall by the waste side, or further this confusion in my life because she said she was sorry? Should I even believe her? Fuck, this wasn't a moment of clarity at all...

With a Little Help From Our Friends...

Last night was a good night. I was fortunate enough to have a "kick it" session with the homies turn into a session of "real talk" that was greatly needed in my life. It really felt good to release one of my problem areas with people who seem to know a little on the topic. Now, I'm not going to call my friends experts on the situation but both of them are in healthy relationships, one being "shacked up," and the other patiently waiting for May 15th so that he can move from the legal category of "single" to that of "married." The talk that we had greatly helped me, and it allowed me to further put my relationship issues into perspective.

The talk began with one of my friends alerting another to the haps of bulletpoint #3, and how I had found me a winner. The consensus from my peers was clear; that I have a good one, and I should do everything I could not to lose what we have. They made a pretty compelling argument which I will get into later when I get to bulletpoint 3, but it has left me more and more confused because I don't want to miss out on the good woman that I may have staring me in the face, but as I've been told recently; sometimes it just aint that simple. Anyways, I need to come clean tho before I can get some good advice, so if you've began to read this, know that it's long, and please just bear through it...

Bulletpoint #1 - Ashley
For those of you who read my blog, Ashley is my beloved "Kreampuff" or "Moodie" that I wrote that letter that became the post entitled; "5 Years in the Making." She is my "one." Always has been, but I hope that in the future she will not always be that if we aren't together. I'm still in love with her and don't want to put my life on hold for her but I don't think it would be fair for me to become involved with anyone knowing that if Ashley wanted me she could have me, despite whatever my former mate may call and/or think about me. Ashley never responded to my post, claiming that she didn't know how to respond to my thoughts and that the situation is not as simple as I make it out to be. Damn, I just want to know if I can have another shot, or if I should ust give up, what's not so simple about that? That leads me to believe that Ashley still wants to be bothered with me and that I should just see what happens, but what if it takes her another 5 years to tell me to give up and I'm 31 yrs old, still lonely, and still unhappy...

Bulletpoint #2 - Robin
Robin has been a roller coaster of emotion in the five years that I have been involved with her. I can't say knowing, because I have known Robin for about 11 years, but the last 5 have been the most difficult for both of us. Robin came into my life in the capacity she is at a time when I was weak. I had just came out of a relationship with Ashley and I honestly intended to use her as a "booty buddy" just to get back in the groove. The problem with that was that the sex was GREAT, much better than expected, and she didn't need anytime from me. I have found out later that it was because she had a boyfriend at the time, so for me to just call her days before I was coming home for the weekend and engage her in bullshit conversation in order for me to ensure that we would "get it popping" that weekend wasn't horribly difficult. Well somewhere along the lines, I broke the code. I let my "sweet side" break in and decided one night to take Robin out. It wasn't anything major, just a trip to the Hookah Cafe that resulted in our paths twisting around and us going to the point of officially dating as opposed to random chit chat and meeting up to have sex, and that's when I started tripping. I wrestled with the idea of potentially marrying a former "booty buddy" and the ramifications of this on the children we may have, especially if one were to be a girl. So here's Robin, we have the friend who understands me, she knows that I'm a "hoe" and it bothers her, but she knows that I'm going to change when I'm ready to, or when she moves to Houston to make me. I just have a problem because with Robin being so honest and upfront with me, I'm starting to realize that she is the female version of me, which is truly a double-edged sword. I mean, if she's the female me, then that proves that I am capable of change, but what if she's just as good of a liar as I am. The issue is that despite me caring for her the way that I do an appreciating what she has told and taught me about love and relationships as well as myself, I have not been treating her as such. The past few weeks I have been upset about my financial situation and needed time alone, or so Robin thinks. I've actually been spending time with #3 because she has been helping me out in my time of need, and getting rid of Robin at the same time...

Bulletpoint #3 - Nicole
I met Nicole at a happy hour and was immediately enamored with her, hell I was looking at a Zeta that I found attractive face-to-face, and immediately I wanted her, sexually. Well, I communicated that fact to her off the bat and she immediately informed me that "if we hump, we go together." I know, with as many women as I have been involved with that this should have cause a red flag to immediately begin to fly, but there was something about her that was interesting and plus, with my track record, she would begin to understand that she can be disposed of as quick and as easy as taking the trash to the dumpster. But, then Nicole started teaching me about my own life, and that one of my vices (money), has a powerful effect on my life decisions. I have made it a rule that when a woman makes purchases outside of clothes and shoes, she had bought herself a 6-month window where she can do no wrong. But this aint just some woman that I have transformed into a trick. I don't ask her for much, she just gives, which is kinda upsetting because I now feel as though she may be buying me, but she really is holding me down. She gives me space when I ask for it, and in the end all she wants is to have me around. Sure she nags and bitches, but what woman doesn't? She wants me to be involved in her life, is being supportive, pushing me to be my best, and comes up with proposed solutions to my problems, unlike Robin who is supportive, but doesn't offer ways to fix the problems I have, and this is not entirely based upon money. I only have a few issues with Nicole, one of which is that when life affects her, she just goes and gets another tattoo (she has 44), and doesn't really share her issue with anyone. I want her to open up to me, but hell I'm not doing the same, what I should be telling her, I'm writing in a blog. Certain things I say bother her, particularly that I talk about my son and parenthood so much when she was subjected to a forced abortion earlier this year. My second issue is that she just may be plain crazy, hell she's been everything I've needed her to be with little resistance, and is pretty much becoming the woman I want her to be, so what happens if I don't choose her? Thirdly, we are not sexually compatible. She still thinks that oral sex makes her a whore, and does not communicate to me what she needs, expects, and likes during sex. Its difficult to get a murmur out of her during sex, but she readily tells me that the sex is good she's just quiet. These are the only issues I have with her, doesn't seem like much, but why can't I take this to the next level...

Bulletpoint #4 - Me
As a self-proclaimed satyromaniac, I have this thrill that I get in pursuing
"new pussy."I like the thrill of the hunt as well as the mystery that is left behind from a new sexual partner, and with 87 notches on my belt, I think that I shouldn't want new partners, but hell I do. That's the problem with relationships, no more new pussy. There are a few other exes and interest that I am still in contact with that I would like to have sex with and potentially let something rise from that, but then I may have the same doubts that I have about Robin. My friends encouraged me to just continue to do me, but don't bring that shit into my home, but I'm just having a problem finding out where home is...I really need some help on this one...but who can give me unbiased advice without looking at me funny...Is that my only hope, to find a woman who understands me and knows that I wont bring that shit into her house, or am I doomed to be single forever...

In My Mind...

JUST PRESS PLAY...



She's not her...She's not her, either...neither is she...neither is she...

It's funny the turns that life takes us on these unexpected turns just to leave us back at square one. I need a friend in my life, one that I can tell the truth to, one that won't judge me, one that understands my situation and can help me fix it. I'm addicted to a thought that won't ever be, and me being unwilling to accept anything less than what I want, am doomed to reap the repercussions of it.

Funny how my last posting covered the evils of Facebook, and this posting is inspired by Facebook and its news feed. I saw that my ex had been tagged in some new photos, so I went to check them out, and what I saw was truly amazing. There I was looking at the perfect woman, and depressed because she wasn't mine. So I wanted to attempt to take my mind off of her and went to youtube for entertainment. I found myself watching old Human Jukebox clips and became drawn to SU's cover of Heather Headley's In My Mind as about the 5th or 6th song that I had heard. I really liked the arrangement so I wanted to hear the original song. Lo and behold I came across the clip that I posted, finding out that Shannon Sanders authored this song and released it in 1999, later selling it to Heather Headley. I really like this version just because I don't feel like men should like women songs, even though you can pretty much transition them without losing a beat. Anyways, this song got placed on repeat as I just felt it, because in my mind, she will always be my lady, the only problem that I have with that is when should one stop living in their mind, and live in reality.

I sought the advice of a friend of mine whose opinion I trust, and she said the same thing that I have heard countless other times, that if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, and if not, it never was. It's not that I don't know this to be true, but its just that I can't deal with the negative in that situation. While its true that what she and I shared is in the past and occurred at a time where neither of us had the years or maturity that either of us have now, I think now I'm better equipped to handle it, and find myself wishing that she feels the same. I now understand how burdensome it is to discuss marriage at 18 when you haven't even experienced life, and the need to run off in order to experience the world before giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. And I think I understand what was going through her mind. The only question I have is, how do I press on further when in my mind she'll always be my lady because when it comes down to it...

She's not her...she's not her either...neither is she...neither is she...

Facebook...

I used to laugh at people who were unable to keep their relationships in control once Facebook was introduced, but now I truly see how it can affect people's lives. On Wednesday I posted a status that read; " Kellen A. Daranda-Esq was just told that its okay to let go and fall in love; WHERE DEY DO DAT AT?!" as a satirical comment to something one of the women in my life told me. (Before you even formulate an opinion, know that I'm doing better, and I'm only seeing two at this point in my life.) I know that I have reached an age where women are no longer trying to date for the sake of dating and have meaningless sex with random guys they encounter and neither am I, the problem is that neither of the women in my life have me at a point where I can see forever with either of them, and all the women who make me feel as thought I could fall in love with them are just dating for the hell of it and enjoying single life. Love has never been a word that I have taken lightly, and when I say it I mean it, so I'm not a hypocrite in that respect, but I just need a woman who is what I want, and then I can build on that, but I digress. This status update invoked an interest of mine to send me a text which read, "So Kellen no longer believes in love, eh? Hmmmm..." Which shocked me cause this is a woman who ranks high on my list of favorites, sexy as all I adore, beautiful, nice job, nice car, nice apartment, silly as hell, with a love for family, basically all the building blocks I would need to fall in love, but she's always busy. I elected not to respond to the text, but I'm like damn woman, if you would have stopped playing games and disappearing, we could have been happy, together, and in love, a long time ago.

Well, the plot thickens...

Thursday night, I made plans with a friend who went to PV for her to come over and for us to watch the game and get fucked up, which we did. Now this friend is someone whom I used to be intimate with, but she and I haven't slept together in a 4-6 month period. After PV won the game, she decided as a penalty that I should have to take a picture holding up a PV bag and post it to Facebook. Well, I let her do it, knowing the truth behind the circumstances with us watching the game (and no we did not sleep together Thursday night), but baby girl (the one who invoked the earlier status) blew the fuck up via text messages and writing on my Facebook wall. I don't need to be slick on this one and actually plan on writing her a lengthy letter in which I spill out everything instead of just koming at her with my usual game and getting out of trouble. (yeah, I'm that effin good) I need to stop playing games, I aint shit unless I'm with a woman who I feel like is worth it. Until that time comes, I'll just continue to do me...

The problem that I've brought on myself which has caused this Facebook debauchery is the answer to one of the questions I've had in my mind for the longest as to why marriages don't work and things of that nature. I had proposed part of an answer and based it upon people getting married for the wrong reason, but its also because of folks settling. I now realize this because this is why baby girl is getting mad at me and feeling like I'm not ready, because I'm not, at least not with her. Me deciding that she would make a prime candidate for a girlfriend and potentially a wife was all based upon me settling and thinking that because she was the better option amongst the table scraps that I had the choice of eating, that things would work. So I told her that I hoped to move forward after I took care of somethings, namely, getting the rest of the random women out of my life, and she was like okay. Well, the day after I told her that I met the second of the women that I am dating and she blows baby girl out of the water, so of course I took a step back on the relationship and continued to play. The problem with number 2 is I don't see her as girlfriend material either, but honestly, she's growing on me.

Allow me to recant my earlier statement, Facebook does not get people in trouble when they are on their shit, meaning that they are doing what they need to do to sustain a positive social and love life, but when people stop being honest, Facebook is an instantaneous way to get their skeletons out of the closet, and with that being said, I plan to move forward and be more honest....

Monogamy and Monotony

I think that my blog is actually helping me develop into the man I envision myself to be because this is my space for me to write about the things that are going on in my world and put my own personal reflection into a more permanent medium. Some of my postings I share with Facebook and others I don't, because I like to keep some of my thoughts more private and I have over 1900 friends on FB and some of them are Facebook stalkers. This post will probably not be shared, unless I feel the need to get some advice.

Mono - a combining form meaning “alone,” “single,” “one.”

Being someone with an affinity for the number one, people should be inclined to think that I would like words that display loyalty, singularity, and things of that nature, but I am also a reckless soul who craves change, just not in the people that I deal with. Dennis Green's quote that Coors has put in their marketing campaign is probably my favorite form of monotony; I like when "they were who we(I) thought they were." Yet, I hate monotony, I dislike routine and the same thing happening everyday as if life is scripted. I find comfort in knowing what is going to happen next, but that bores me and takes away from the beauty that is life. Typically, when I reach the point where I desire change, I usually do things completely out of character or eliminate things or people I consider to be mundane and routine. Which brings me to my next point, is it possible that a man such as myself can sustain a monogamous relationship without it becoming monotonous, or is that the inevitable?

Way back in the gap, I fell in love hard with a woman who was as random as a pair of dice. Monogamy was difficult for me in the onset of our relationship, but once I realized that this woman had something that I hadn't had before (or since) I realized that it was a small price to pay. One thing that our relationship wasn't was monotonous, I really never knew what to expect from this woman, and that's what I liked about her. This may be what caused her to leave me, as she probably didn't know what she wanted her damn self, but such is life, I think I've grown since then. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back to that point. Sure I've met women since then, sure I've been involved since then, but when things get repetitive, I usually break camp. Is it possible to have one without the other, will I find another who makes me feel as though monotony is the way to go, because at this point I haven't...

You May Love Her/Him, But You Love YOU More...

This posting is a follow-up to a blog of mine written on February 22, 2009, entitled "Love Is."

In the past few month I have switched my main points of contention in light of why I, as well as a lot of other people cannot find the type of love that many of our parents still have. When I wrote "Love Is" I was convinced that the problem was in many people's definition of love. But after reading the commentary on the posting via my Facebook notes, I have realized that my problem is not with defining love or in expressing it, but moreso in the application of it. I have thought for so long that no one was worthy enough to get all of me and my love, but I had another one of my spellbinding epiphanies the other day while discussing the death of the golden anniversary.

A few friends of mine were discussing on a message board how our generation may have killed the golden anniversary and the logic behind such a statement. Well one person's posting really hit home to me. They stated that reason why marriage is so short lived is that we are starting to value ourselves more than anything/anyone else. When you have many hip hop artists and pop culture icons saying things like 30 is the new 20, and 40 is the new 30, no one wants to be there own age anymore. Everyone wants to enjoy their time/freedom for as long as possible and forever is not a thought to be entertained unless we have our shit together.

Frederick Douglass once said that "without struggle there is no progress," but when it comes down to relationships without struggle there is no appreciation. What kept our grandparents together was the struggle that they shared together. In that day and age, getting married in your 30s was damn near unheard of, and the same followed true in our parents day and age, but mostly with the generation before them. Getting married in the 20s, fresh out of school meant that the two would struggle together as the worked to build their finances, their family, and other things that make a relationship/marriage work. Today it seems as though folks just want to press a button and add a spouse to the equation; they want to already have the house, already have the job, already have the car, and add a spouse and children to the equation. That is why marriages don't work these days, we are becoming so self-sufficient that when the first sign of trouble hits, we run because we were and most likely will continue to be fine by ourselves. We haven't learned what it is to appreciate being with someone in the good because we don't really know what the bad is truly like...

The Problem With Relationships...

I have finally figured out why I am so cautious when it comes to relationships. It isn't because my heart still belongs to my ex, (she hasn't responded yet, but I'll give her a week) but because I know too much and fear that my knowledge is what prevents me from giving someone my all. Everyone has heard the phrase "ignorance is bliss" and I guess that's what prevents me from being blissful in a relationship, because I know too much. I've never been a supporter of the phrase "all men are dogs," but if we are going to put men in this category, lets do the same for the female gender. And then, lets not make a generalization, lets just say women are just as incapable of fidelity within a relationship as men, and many do act on their thoughts. I'm not speaking something that I've heard, I'm speaking what I know. A common phrase that those close to me have heard me say is not one of those inspiring lyrics that encompass my Facebook status; I really can fuck your girl, and often times I do! However, in 2009, I'm trying to grow, and because I know how karma feels, I don't want to engage in those type of activities anymore. I'm not talking about what a female used to do, because I don't want to compare "rap sheets" with any woman, I'm damn sure she wouldn't want to be with me anymore and everyone has a past, I'm talking about what you are doing and have done in the past few years. Are there any good women left?

Certainly Not Me!

Based upon recent conversations I'm beginning to have I think that I may be some sort of a relationship expert. It seems as if a lot of my friends have been coming to me for advice lately based on some of my blog postings and facebook notes, claiming that I may have "this shit" figured out. But the funny part to me is that I'm miserable. Shouldn't the relationship expert be the one who is happily involved or at least single and waiting? (I guess those who know me know that I'm not partial to waiting) Funny part is that I have a couple of potentials, but nothing that would have me faithful. I guess that's my fault, I think to much in theory. In theory, everything works out as expected. In theory, I meet a woman who stimulates my eye, we have a brief conversation, we exchange numbers, she gives me the right number, and we depart. The next day, I call her to break the ice, she's a little preoccupied so she promises to call me back, and later in the evening, she follows through. We talk about everything and she, being the lady she is makes me wait for it and court her but she still shows interest, not allowing text messages to be our primary means of communication. She isn't holding any dark secrets and saying "hey, this is me, hate it or love it." When we do take it there, the sex is amazing, bone chilling, toe-curling, and incomparable to anything I've experienced previously. She isn't needy of all my time, but demands that she cross my mind daily, and let her know...but again, that is all theory. My problems is that all the women that I want don't want me back, and all the women that want me make me feel as though I could do better. So how do I become this so-called expert if I can't make this shit work for me. How would I look being that kind of loser. I just wanna find love, the same like my parents have. Im just rambling, thanks for listening...

Boy Meets Girl...Boy Gets Girl...Boy Loses Girl...

PLEASE PRESS PLAY TO GET THE FULL EFFECT



Okay let's be honest for a frank second, I am a hopeless romantic. From holding hands, to (classy) PDAs, all the way up to nights spent in close quarters absent any sexual tension just talking about random events, I LOVE LOVE. But for some unknown reason, love doesn't really feel the same about me. Perhaps it's due to the fact that the mistakes of my youth are catching up to me, and God feels as though I need to learn pain before I can actually experience true love, or maybe because I'm just too damn selfish and unconforming to what love actually requires to have it work for me. I mean I have mastered the art of "the chase," and have realized what it takes to get a woman on my team, but love seems to always fall into the trap of the title of this posting.

Kellen meets girl, Kellen gets to know girl, Kellen becomes intimate with girl, Kellen believes girl will become a fixture in his life, Kellen does the same things he did when he met girl, Kellen loses girl, but girl still wants to be intimate.

I guess maybe I'm just not boyfriend material, however, I feel as though if I change, I would be cheating the woman out of all that is me and changing for her. Now I don't think that changing is wrong within a relationship, but I do know that if you sacrifice the person you are for the person your mate wants you to be both of you will eventually wind up unhappy. That is why I've never been one to play with "fixer-uppers" as it comes to a mate because if you were to encounter someone who catches your eye but isn't quite what you hope them to be when you get to know them you're not feeling that person, you are feeling the person you want them to be. I've discussed and posted blogs about my feelings in regards to love but I think I got it, but in the end, love doesn't love me.

I found myself involved with a woman who was a master of surprises of sorts, demanding things of me that she was unwilling to reciprocate, and i broke my cardinal rule, I didn't have a back-up plan. So now I'm back on the prowl, trying to find what I need in a woman to be happy, wish me luck

Love Is...

So after consulting with a few friends during the past week I’ve come to a realization in my own life. I guess its one of those epiphanies that one isn’t expected to have at the tender age of 26, or while one is studying for a particular examination that pretty much dictates how you’re future in the legal profession will pan out. However, those who I have tagged as avid readers of my Facebook notes know that I gain a lot of relaxation from posting to here as well as my blog. So continue to keep me in your prayers for the bar, I’m much more confident this time around in my ability to pass, but allow me this release without any scolding and just open up your mind to some things…

The older I get it the more I realize how well my parents did in my upbringing. Not to toot my own horn or anything like that. But I like how they have instilled in me the same values that they have themselves, and have used their own mistakes as boundaries for me to pursue whatever it is that I desire. It is because of Anthony and Enola that I have the kind of feelings that I do in regards to family, and it is also because of these feelings that I am envious of them. The year 2009 will see the two mentioned above celebrate 29 years of marriage and 36 years of being in each other’s life. At a young age I was determined that my life was supposed to go in a similar manner, but maturity has helped me realize that the means that propels me to such an end is not important, as long as it gets me there.

So in seeing my parents, as much as they may be at each other’s throat, or disagree on the most menial of things, it is refreshing to see two people that are in love after so much time. Which brings me to the point of this note, why is it that my parents have succeeded where so many have failed. And why is it that our generation has failed. If you would look at statistics or talk to an attorney who specializes in divorce and dissolution of property, you can see that in this day and age, greater than 50% of all marriages entered into ultimately fail. My question is “why?” My initial answer is that people are marrying for the wrong reasons.

Many of my friends who have parents and grandparents who are still together will remark that times have changed. However, I am a child of the old school, and I believe that the more things change, the more they remain the same. While it is true that the days of shotgun marriages are over, and that we are free to “move around” after sowing our oats with another and not being pressured into marriage because of a child, how come so many of those marriages have worked when those of free will meet their demise? One would expect that a forced union would not work, however these people faced with the possibility of social rejection frequently made something out of nothing, making the best of things and learning to love a person that they were forced to be with. Despite the initial reasons for their union it became held together by love. Somewhere in our exponential advancement we strayed from the ideology that boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married, boy and girl raise a family. Many of us fail in our relationships and marriages when we think we are in love because we have no idea what love is.

Love is defined by Random House dictionary as: (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; (2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; (3) sexual passion or desire. In an era where many of us have alluded dating to a job interview with its set of prerequisites, desired qualifications, salary requirements and things of that nature, it is of no wonder why marriage statistics are in the uproar that they are presently in. While we can all agree on the first definition given for love, too often we found ourselves gaining that kind of affection for another based upon biased thoughts such as those found in (3). But I think most who search for love and are upset with what they have found in the midst of their search, and have not looked at the comparisons offered in (2).

To me, love is an unwavering feeling in a person toward someone else that is unfaltering and without limit. It means accepting a person as they are, wanting them to do better, but without damage to that feeling if they are unable to change what you would like them to. Its where you put up with all the things about that person that you may not like, however inconvenient they are to you, even though it may affect actions they take, or the things that they may require, the same way we would do for a parent, child, friend, or family. We all can identify with the strange and ridiculous things that our TRUE friends, family, parents, and children do, but we manage to care for them the same, yet when our significant other does something of that magnitude, we usually run for the hills. In similar situations many will remark “you have no say over who’s your family.” But actually you do have a choice to get rid of such people, the reason you don’t is because you love them. (For those of you who have renounced members of your family, I would advise you to seek Jesus.) We don’t turn our backs on those that we love just because it’s convenient to do so. We stay the course, doing what we can to make things work, and if it fails to work out the way we hoped or anticipated, we can have no regrets because we gave it our all. That’s what love is, caring about a person more than we do for ourselves.

For those of you who are unable to find love, I wonder if it’s because you don’t know what love is and find yourself in a false sense of reality with someone based upon material or physical attributes that that person may possess. My advice to you would be to sit down, digest the food for thought that I have given you, and figure out what your definition of love is. If it is similar to the one I have given you, stop being so selfish with matters of the heart. Love as if you’ve never been hurt before, because the only time someone worth your tears will cause you to cry is in an instance where they are crying themselves. That, my friends, is love!

Love Always Finds a Way

It’s funny how it took for me to acquire the wisdom of 23 years of life, a college degree, and become a father myself to realize just how brilliant my own father is. Now I’ve been out in the streets and have developed the tags of being a “heartbreaker” and a “player,” all because my mom was always in my ear saying; “Son, you’re too young to be serious with that girl, have fun and enjoy your life.” So I looked at love and relationships like I was too young to be serious about it all, and my logic was based upon the fact that it all came from my mother and she’s a female herself. And I moved through my life realizing that since I was young and being serious was not of the urgency required by other endeavors of mine, I played and figured that it was okay to be with more than one girl at a time, actually combining the well-liked traits from each one to make Nas’ “Perfect Bitch.” But it wasn’t until this weekend that I realized that those times when I decided to go against my mother and give a female my all, that I was actually doing what was right for me. Although the few particular occasions where I was serious all managed to blow up in my face, I still haven’t given up on love yet because I believe despite all obstacles, love will find a way.

Now my father, the proud, hard-working man who rarely says much sits down in a funk beside me on the sofa on Sunday. He was upset that my mother gave the same rhetoric to my 18-yr old brother about his girlfriend. The two are 5 hrs apart and in love, trying to make things work despite one being in college, and the other in the last year of high school. And it seems like love is finding a way for those two. But my dad had a flashback to the fall of 1974 when a young couple with a history of around a year was faced with a “see you later” that would send one to La Crosse, WI, and the other to Baton Rouge, LA. What if they had listened to others who may have given them the same advice, shit, I wouldn’t be here, and who knows what wonders or hells might have occurred in their alternate existences. My dad just looked at the ceiling with a sigh and said, “that’s why you can’t let other people live your life for you. Only you know what makes you happy.” And then I had an epiphany, maybe I’ve let so many “good girls” fall by the wasteside because I was letting other people decide what happened with MY relationship. One particular woman from my past reminds me of Jay-Z’s lyric; “Once a good girl’s gone, she’s gone forever, I’ll mourn forever, I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever.” And I feel that with that one particular girl.

So although I consider myself damaged goods, I don’t ever see myself giving up on love. Even those instances where I chose to give a woman my all and they ended up horribly wrong are not considered regrets. In the end I guess Alicia was right; “my soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned.” Thank you, Daddy, for allowing me to gain some kind of insight on how I should continue becoming a man. Thank you to those of you who have managed to clarify what I should be looking for, and thank you, Jesus, for giving me the strength to continue on for my search for Mrs. Right, or have I found her already???