It's About to Be One of Those Nights...

I dunno what time blogger puts on my postings, but it is currently 2:16 AM, and it's looking like it about to be one of those nights. Since the age of 13 I've been an expert on making a girl/woman fall in love with me, but I'm unsure of how to keep them in love with me. Those who frequent my blog have seen that I am on the process to reformation, and the first step according to most of those __-step programs is admitting that you have a problem. My first confessional posting had an entire bullet point focused on me, the fact that I love the thrill of the chase and don't feel as though I'm boyfriend or much more husband material. I have decided to clean my slate because as the old folks say, once you tell one lie, you are doomed to keep lying in order to keep things in perspective. And that's what I've fallen victim to. I'm not as successful as I envisioned in my career choice, and I think it's time for me to just cut my losses, move back home, and figure out my next move in the comfort of my parents' home. Admitting that one is a failure is hard enough, but how can I be successful when I have so much going on in my personal life?

The only one that I can blame for my personal shortcomings is myself. Since I starting courting females at the age of 13, I have been labeled as a heart breaker. Hell, it's safe to operate in such a manner, I don't get hurt, and I get what I need. Being the self-proclaimed expert of the chase that I see myself as, I know the well isn't going to run dry anytime soon. Maybe that's why i don't value female company as much as I should, because I know that I can always find another one. But with me knowing that I am unappreciative, selfish, and out for Kellen, then how was I (un)lucky enough to get two "great" women at the same point in time? Then again, I'm not sure either of them were/are that great, because they are just the best options at this point in time. I thought I made my mind up in who I wanted, and in order to get us to that level that we need to be find myself telling her the truth about my intentions from jump and how they have changed as of now, but she blew up. Now, I'm not mad at her for blowing up, more so mad at myself for even treating her in such a manner. I had been warned about the type of person she was, and I should have known better when I saw for myself that I was not seeing the person whom she was described to be. She had been hurt, just like me, but instead of taking it out on the next person, she was woman enough to give me and love a chance and let go. But I was playing her to the left for the longest, so what that I was ready for what she wanted from me all along it was too little, too late. I'm going to cut my losses with that one, appreciate what she has shown me, send her some flowers and an "I'm sorry" card to her job tomorrow and let be whatever will be.

But the plot thickens...When I told the "make believe cheater" about this pseudo "half-life" that I have been living, she met me with a response of "it's okay, baby, I still love you." She was forgiving, understanding, and even said that my personal life is the reason why I can't be successful in my career. WOW!!! She is still supporting me after I told her that I'm with her when I come home and occasionally when she comes here, but for most of the time when I am in Houston, there is someone else in my life. I know hat she and I aren't done talking but I intend to tell her when I get back to New Orleans of how full of shit I am and that despite the lies I tell, and how hard I try to fake the funk, that I am still a work in progress and am nowhere near as ready for a relationship as I would allude to. I think my problem with both women is that they have catered to my weaknesses, women (specifically sex), money, and clothes. Both give me love and sex, both help me out in turn financially, and both buy me clothes. Because of that my vision is clouded, and I tend to re-examine the lot and forgive things that I consider unforgivable in order to give me the sanctity I need for a long term relationship.

Now I have dug myself into a deep hole, and have no one to blame but myself. But I have accomplished the clarity that I needed in my confessions. I now know that I'm not ready for a relationship, period. I need to fix myself first and straighten up my own house before inviting someone over for dinner. I no longer plan on rushing things...let God's will be done, not that of my own. Dammit, Kellen, I thought we learned this lesson this time last year...

Acceptance...It Really Is Okay

My name is Kellen Anthony Daranda. I am a 26 year old licensed attorney in the State of Texas. I am originally from New Orleans, Louisiana, and a graduate of Southern University. I am the father of an amazing 3 year old by the name of Kaiden Michael Daranda, and I am gainfully employed in this ridiculous economy. To some, that may be enough to shake a stick at, but to me, it really isn't THAT great...

Throughout my life I have maintained a life that was centered around nothing ever really being enough for me. I am my own biggest critic, and this is something that I am attempting to stop. Starting today, August 17, 2009, I will be a new man, a man that is acceptant of what I don't like about my life, and not willing to live a certain way because others tell me I should.

First of all, I am 26 and single. I think I want to be married because my upbringing tells me so. My parents were celebrating 2 years of marriage when they reached my age, so I think I should be there, but the fact that I'm not even close boggles me. However, that is okay. The fact is, I don't really know what it is that I want, not from life, not from my career, not even from a mate. But you know what, that is okay, I'll figure it out.

Secondly, my son's mother irks me saily about money, and how I am a piss poor father, because I don't call everyday, and don't have money to give. I need to let go of my shortcomings and focus more on my son. Which I plan to do from here on out. So what that I'm not making the money that I envisioned, it's okay.

I'm not living like feather in the wind, I know where I want to go, but I can only get there under the right forces. If I don't where I envision, that's okay, I'm a pretty decent person, if I do say so myself!

Worthless?

I really wish that it was possible to drive and type at the same time. The kind of self-reflection sessions I have in the 5 hrs that it takes me to get to New Orleans from Houston and the 5 hrs back are my time to do nothing but think. I put my Ipod on random and pretty much listen to whatever comes on, but I think. I take the time to chill out and put my worrisome soul at ease in spite of what's going on but when I reach New Orleans or Houston, I no longer have the words to bring my thoughts to a tangible medium for later reflection. I think that's my problem, despite being a "social butterfly" on the outside, I am hesitant to let people get to know the real me. I think that's why I started a blog, to post my thoughts and not be afraid of what people may think. Sure I post my controversial thoughts about things that have happened in the world on Facebook and sometimes get pissed when I reach the tag limit, because I want the world to know how brilliant I can be, but at the same time I am ashamed of the thoughts that I have that make me feel human, that my career, my status as a man, and my relationship status are not where I envisioned them to be.

I remarked sometime ago that I thought law school was a mistake because all I see is debt and don't really see these doors that were promised to me were hesitant to open up. Funny thing is that even though I have passed the bar, I am a partner in my own firm, and the "dream" is now reality, I still don't consider myself a success. I never looked at private practice in law school, that was Earl's dream, but here I am doing this, all because someone believed in me. Quinon has become someone I truly admire and aspire to be like. I look at him less as a partner but more as a mentor or that big brother I never had. He encourages me to do my best and pushes me further when I think I have nothing less. I guess that's what I missed out on in my childhood. I have nothing against my parents but I can't recall too many times hearing them tell me how proud they were of me. Maybe my self-motivation kept them from pushing me because no one in the world is as hard on me as I am, but it sure would feel good to know that someone is proud of me. I guess that's why I'm so cocky because nothing was ever that difficult for me, so doubt is something that is a new feeling for me, one that I'm not too fond of, and hate to see it rear its ugly head around when I'm trying to make some things happen. I wish I knew how to be as confident as everyone expects me to be but I'm lost. The real world is scary and I wish I could just go back to being a student where nothing was that difficult and everything pretty much happened the way I anticipated them to. In this world, I'm not guaranteed a check, and I'm scared of failing.

My dad always told me that scared shouldn't be in a man's vocabulary, but that's what I am at 26, scared. I struggle with looking my father in the eye because I don't feel like I match up to him. The man that put his wife through school her last year at the age of 22 has a son who is four years older than he when he did that and can't take care of himself let alone the child he brought into this world. But I don't tell him any of these things because I know that I wouldn't be the man he raised me to be. So that's how I've been all my life, trying to be more than what I am and keeping things inside because I'm scared to not live up to expectations or to have anyone ridicule me. But who am I kidding, I'm intimidated by anyone over 5'7" and look at men with nice physiques as why can't that be me. I'm secretly jealous of my friends who are making a name for themselves and are being the fathers that I cannot be. Man? Me? HA! I've tried to listen to my mother and friends when they tell me that Erica is crazy because every time we talk about Kaiden, she makes it out to be a monetary issue. I do have a lot of free time and could potentially get a part-time job, but in this economy, where could I work? I've far too long let people convince me that the truth is not what it seems to be, but now I need to listen to what's right. Despite Erica's motives, despite the economy, despite the money she makes, or her own living situation, she's right, I'm not picking up my end of the slack when it comes to Kaiden. I say all the time that my son is my world, but I haven't given Erica any money in the longest, not because I don't want to, but because I can't, and that makes me a little boy. Fuck all the time I spend with my child, fuck how he feels, I can't really look myself in the eye anymore, I want to cry but I'm not even man enough to do that.

So since I'm short, fat, not in touch with my emotions, and a little boy, why am I surprised that I can't find the right woman? I envisioned being married at this time and now I'll be lucky if it happens before 30, if at all. I had perfection and perfection shitted on me, but I'd still take her back in a heartbeat. Ashley Michelle Boult still has my heart and I keep hoping, wishing, and praying she comes back, but why would she ever want me with all of my faults as described above? So I try to move on and find someone that in spite of their flaws is good for me. I think I've found that, but I'm scared that I'll just fuck that up to same as everything else in my life. So I just keep on keeping on, hoping that one day I'll be able to release and let go and move on, but it doesn't seem like today is that day, anyway, thanks for listening...

Boy Meets Girl...Boy Gets Girl...Boy Loses Girl...

PLEASE PRESS PLAY TO GET THE FULL EFFECT



Okay let's be honest for a frank second, I am a hopeless romantic. From holding hands, to (classy) PDAs, all the way up to nights spent in close quarters absent any sexual tension just talking about random events, I LOVE LOVE. But for some unknown reason, love doesn't really feel the same about me. Perhaps it's due to the fact that the mistakes of my youth are catching up to me, and God feels as though I need to learn pain before I can actually experience true love, or maybe because I'm just too damn selfish and unconforming to what love actually requires to have it work for me. I mean I have mastered the art of "the chase," and have realized what it takes to get a woman on my team, but love seems to always fall into the trap of the title of this posting.

Kellen meets girl, Kellen gets to know girl, Kellen becomes intimate with girl, Kellen believes girl will become a fixture in his life, Kellen does the same things he did when he met girl, Kellen loses girl, but girl still wants to be intimate.

I guess maybe I'm just not boyfriend material, however, I feel as though if I change, I would be cheating the woman out of all that is me and changing for her. Now I don't think that changing is wrong within a relationship, but I do know that if you sacrifice the person you are for the person your mate wants you to be both of you will eventually wind up unhappy. That is why I've never been one to play with "fixer-uppers" as it comes to a mate because if you were to encounter someone who catches your eye but isn't quite what you hope them to be when you get to know them you're not feeling that person, you are feeling the person you want them to be. I've discussed and posted blogs about my feelings in regards to love but I think I got it, but in the end, love doesn't love me.

I found myself involved with a woman who was a master of surprises of sorts, demanding things of me that she was unwilling to reciprocate, and i broke my cardinal rule, I didn't have a back-up plan. So now I'm back on the prowl, trying to find what I need in a woman to be happy, wish me luck

Bittersweet Suicide?

Yesterday was a day that should have echoed with delight in my soul as I cast my vote for the first black candidate for the office of President of the United States, but the joy I experienced in making history was truly short-lived as my own problems began to set in. My own attempt to rectify my financial problems temporarily was set back. I had a credit card with a $5000 limit that I hadn't used in over a year whose limit was reduced to $200 due to inactivity. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SAFETY NET! So now I have 8 days to try to find $500 to pay my rent. I've had friends offer to let me hold something, but for some reason, my pride won't let me accept it. I don't know why I'm so proud all of a sudden because I've been letting my parents spoil me rotten for the past 25 years, but for some reason I'm unable to let anyone else help me. I think it's because if I let someone help me I'll be lead to believe that a security blanket will always be there and I'll never get up and go it for myself. My number one fear in life has always been failure, and now I'm starting to realize it.

I'm a shitty boyfriend, a shitty father, a shitty son, and I'll probably be a shitty husband. Friends of mine who read my blog will probably remark that none of the above is true, but let me educate you to a few facts. Do you realize the number of females that I have completely fucked over because I just had to have something "better?" Do you all realize that I don't really do much for my child, not cause I don't want to, but because I can't. Shit, I can't financially support myself, who was I kidding to believe that I'd honestly be able to be a better father than the man who dropped out of school to make sure my mother received her Bachelor of Science. I'm a shitty son because I wanted to be back in Houston instead of at my father's birthday party, and then had the audacity to ask him for money when I couldn't even afford to get him something for his birthday. Then I know I'll make a shitty husband because as I've had several females remark lately, I need to be trained. I'm just a shitty 25 year old little boy.

Some may contend that I should be happy that I voted for change because my financial shortcomings are due to the economic recession that we are in, but when does it become time to stop pointing fingers and look at the source? I've criticized many black Americans for failing to be responsible for their own actions, and I refuse to sugar-coat my own. I have an income of 0, a debt in excess of $115,000, and a little boy that worships the ground I walk on, God help my poor child. How can I look my son in the eye and explain to him that his father is an educated failure???

Konfessions...

I honestly don't think I passed the bar. There, I said it. My blogs usually serve to cater to how much of an "attention whore" I am, but this is one where I just need to let everything out and not have to deal with a response. The other day upon driving to New Orleans to evacuate from Ike, Lyfe Jennings' Stick Up Kid came on my Ipod, and that's when this epiphany finally hit me. I used to say that I had no earthly idea what would propel a man to a life of crime, but sometimes things really do become just that hard. I mean I FELT Lyfe on that song, these niggaz are riding around with their 23s and DVDs in their ride, with the vast majority of them not gaining this material bullshit legally, and I got 2 degrees, one of which is a doctorate, and I dunno where my November rent is coming from. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SHOW MY CHILD THAT EDUCATION IS THE WAY IF IT AINT WORKING FOR ME? But let me not drag my child into this, he's literally a life safer these days. Ive been looking at my recent circumstances and having suicidial thoughts, Kaiden is prolly one of the few reasons why I'm still here. I have $114,000 in debt, $1,000 in my account, I owe my son $4,000, I dont have a job, I can't quit smoking, will be taking the MPRE for the third time, and I don't have a decent boo, let alone a girlfriend. But oh I have degrees, peices of paper that I struggled hard to receive, but in the end, I'm not seeing any return on my investment, either of them. People tell me all the time that I am too hard on myself and things will work out, but what if they don't...what if they don't...