In My Mind...

JUST PRESS PLAY...



She's not her...She's not her, either...neither is she...neither is she...

It's funny the turns that life takes us on these unexpected turns just to leave us back at square one. I need a friend in my life, one that I can tell the truth to, one that won't judge me, one that understands my situation and can help me fix it. I'm addicted to a thought that won't ever be, and me being unwilling to accept anything less than what I want, am doomed to reap the repercussions of it.

Funny how my last posting covered the evils of Facebook, and this posting is inspired by Facebook and its news feed. I saw that my ex had been tagged in some new photos, so I went to check them out, and what I saw was truly amazing. There I was looking at the perfect woman, and depressed because she wasn't mine. So I wanted to attempt to take my mind off of her and went to youtube for entertainment. I found myself watching old Human Jukebox clips and became drawn to SU's cover of Heather Headley's In My Mind as about the 5th or 6th song that I had heard. I really liked the arrangement so I wanted to hear the original song. Lo and behold I came across the clip that I posted, finding out that Shannon Sanders authored this song and released it in 1999, later selling it to Heather Headley. I really like this version just because I don't feel like men should like women songs, even though you can pretty much transition them without losing a beat. Anyways, this song got placed on repeat as I just felt it, because in my mind, she will always be my lady, the only problem that I have with that is when should one stop living in their mind, and live in reality.

I sought the advice of a friend of mine whose opinion I trust, and she said the same thing that I have heard countless other times, that if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, and if not, it never was. It's not that I don't know this to be true, but its just that I can't deal with the negative in that situation. While its true that what she and I shared is in the past and occurred at a time where neither of us had the years or maturity that either of us have now, I think now I'm better equipped to handle it, and find myself wishing that she feels the same. I now understand how burdensome it is to discuss marriage at 18 when you haven't even experienced life, and the need to run off in order to experience the world before giving yourself to one person for the rest of your life. And I think I understand what was going through her mind. The only question I have is, how do I press on further when in my mind she'll always be my lady because when it comes down to it...

She's not her...she's not her either...neither is she...neither is she...

It's About That Time

I have been wanting to write in my blog again for the longest. I wanted it to be more like a cyber journal (diary is kinda homo) because I have always looked at how unjudging and welcoming a pen and pad or keyboard and word processor can be as opposed to people. But I guess I'm not totally living my life on the up and up in order to turn my blog into a tell-all. Some of the things i do in my personal life are still no ones business other than my own. But then again, my blog is for my own release so why should I care who I hurt and what people think. I'll do better. But on to my posting for today.

About a month ago I went to see Slumdog Millionaire, a movie that impacted me when I first saw it, but with the turns that my life is encountering I'm really starting to get it. The movie opens with a title card displaying the following message; "Jamal Malik is one question away from winning 20 million rupees. How did he do it? (A) He cheated, (B) He's lucky, (C) He's a genius, (D) It is written." As applied to my life this statement would read;

Kellen Daranda is 12 days from getting one step closer to happiness. How did he do it?

(A) He cheated
(B) He's lucky
(C) He's a genius
(D) It is written

In 12 days I am going to receive my results from my second sitting of the Texas State Bar Examination, and surprisingly I'm not nervous this time around. This is probably largely attributed to the fact that I believe in predestination, and the way everything is happening. This time, I approached the bar without the sense of inferiority I had before, believing that I was sub-par because I had graduated from Texas Southern. I came at it this time around, not looking to prove anything to anyone, but with everything to lose. I came to sit with the strong potential of employment, and with a threat that if I did not pass I would be forced to move back to New Orleans after 6 years of being out my parents house and in essence start all over. As much as I love New Orleans, and yearn to return, I intend to do so on my own terms.

But since that time, I have managed to find me a temporary job, that despite how tedious and boring it is, is still a pay check. INCOME, YAY! In addition to that, I passed the MPRE with a 110, managed to find me a bit of a social life, and have a strong possibility of not being single at the end of summer 09. Maybe its just my time to shine...