The Disease Called Mediocrity Strikes Again...Let's Have a Pity Party!

So, I'm coming to the realization that I may not have the level of tact that I sometimes criticize others for having, but I have not ever been the one to criticize someone for things that they can't control, and that will be my disclaimer for this post...

About two weeks ago a friend of mine contacted me for some "kind words" as she informed me that her wallet had been stolen. When I inquired into where she was when the wallet was stolen, she ever so matter-of-factly replied; "Starbucks." Then my kind words went out the window and I proceeded to rain on her pity party. Now I've been at Starbucks many a night, have left my laptop on the table to go smoke a cigarette, but never have I been the victim of theft there. Maybe because I take easily concealed items with me, always ask fellow patrons to watch my items in my absence, or I'm not scatter-brained like the one whom I'm referring to, yet I digress. Again, I will haze someone up for incidents that they are completely at fault for, so people should not expect me to show compassion for their fuck ups. My friend became bewildered at how I could seem not to care, but as I've expressed to her, someone's situation is always worse. Take me, for example, in my first year of law school I dealt with Katrina and all its effects less than a month after school started and saw my son come into this world less than a month before comps. My mind was in another place for most of the year, so why should I express sympathy for someone who was dumb enough to leave their wallet unattended in Starbucks. Besides credit cards can be cancelled in a matter of seconds, and the worst part about getting a new ID is standing in line. My soul still hasn't recovered from the storm, and I'm still struggling to provide for my son financially. But some never really appreciate how well they have it even in light of the misfortunes of others...

Case in point number two, I have another friend who posted on facebook today a status update about how she had to read 80-some-odd pages by tomorrow for a history class. I told her to multiply the figure by about 3 if she wanted an insight into my daily reading requirement for law school in addition to my sympathy. She took offense to my statement, remarking that today was her return to school after a two year hiatus, and that I should be more sympathetic to her plight. ARE YOU SERIOUS? First of all, I applaud your efforts as a single-mother to return back to school and make an effort to better life for your daughter, but as they say, nothing worth having comes easy, and you have to be willing to fight for what you want. Second, if you weren't on facebook searching for inspiration or people to make you feel better about your menial assignment, you could have easily did 10-20 pages of reading in the time you were bickering with me. But no, she remarked that when I was studying for the bar no one treated me in such a manner, although I never asked for the acceptance of the facebook community when it came down to my daily requirements for studying for the bar either time. Taking the bar was something that I brought on myself and it was up to me to see it through fruition. And I did just that, some people just need to realize that the world will not be handed to them and take things as they come and do what they need to in order to make their dreams a reality....

I'm putting to soapbox up now, but with 2 posts in 2 days, believe I'll have more ammo tomorrow!

Boy Meets Girl...Boy Gets Girl...Boy Loses Girl...

PLEASE PRESS PLAY TO GET THE FULL EFFECT



Okay let's be honest for a frank second, I am a hopeless romantic. From holding hands, to (classy) PDAs, all the way up to nights spent in close quarters absent any sexual tension just talking about random events, I LOVE LOVE. But for some unknown reason, love doesn't really feel the same about me. Perhaps it's due to the fact that the mistakes of my youth are catching up to me, and God feels as though I need to learn pain before I can actually experience true love, or maybe because I'm just too damn selfish and unconforming to what love actually requires to have it work for me. I mean I have mastered the art of "the chase," and have realized what it takes to get a woman on my team, but love seems to always fall into the trap of the title of this posting.

Kellen meets girl, Kellen gets to know girl, Kellen becomes intimate with girl, Kellen believes girl will become a fixture in his life, Kellen does the same things he did when he met girl, Kellen loses girl, but girl still wants to be intimate.

I guess maybe I'm just not boyfriend material, however, I feel as though if I change, I would be cheating the woman out of all that is me and changing for her. Now I don't think that changing is wrong within a relationship, but I do know that if you sacrifice the person you are for the person your mate wants you to be both of you will eventually wind up unhappy. That is why I've never been one to play with "fixer-uppers" as it comes to a mate because if you were to encounter someone who catches your eye but isn't quite what you hope them to be when you get to know them you're not feeling that person, you are feeling the person you want them to be. I've discussed and posted blogs about my feelings in regards to love but I think I got it, but in the end, love doesn't love me.

I found myself involved with a woman who was a master of surprises of sorts, demanding things of me that she was unwilling to reciprocate, and i broke my cardinal rule, I didn't have a back-up plan. So now I'm back on the prowl, trying to find what I need in a woman to be happy, wish me luck

Look What U Did!

Now that the initial shock has died down, and I've sobered up (lol), I can finally retire away to my sanctuary and post an "I'm proud of myself" blog. From my last post, you all can see that doubt had been creeping up on me, but I think I managed to put it away. The funny part is that the first time I took the bar, I had nightmares about failing, and people knowing before I did, well, let me tell you how dream echoes reality...

THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2009 approximately 3-something PM: I am in the midst of doing something that catered to my creative side, and I'm focused, like really focused. I was drawing, something that I enjoy doing but I don't do that frequently, I guess I do it when I feel like it, kinda like my blog, lol. Well anyways, I get a phone call from my homeboy, Earl, in which he responds to my "hello," by screaming "LET'S GET THIS MONEY." Well my initial response is, "what money?" To which he follows up with "LET'S GET THIS MONEY, COUNSELOR!!!" Now, Earl and I have been friends for about 10 years or so, and he and I have pretty much been pillars for each other to lean on through the stresses of our legal curriculum, so I thought he was trying to hit me with some inspirational words while I was waiting on my scores. But he had seen the pass list before I did, and my dude was calling me to wish me well and be the first one to hit me up with a congrats. And when he finally explains to me that I had passed the bar and I am in a fury in trying to load up the Texas Board of Law Examiners website to see my name on the list for myself, I get congratulatory text messages coming through on my phone and realized that it was true; I HAD PASSED THE BAR! After talking to Earl later that night, we both laughed at on a day when most people were overly nervous, I was almost "zen-like."I don't know if I was content that it was God's will, that I always produce when it's on the line, or something else, but I passed and wasn't really concerned about it. But Texas, you have unleashed Kellen A. Daranda, Esq., LOOK WHAT THE EFF U DID!

My Time Has Come?

Okay, so I am approximately a week away from receiving the biggest news of my life (again) and unfortunately, I am on pins and needles.
After receiving my MPRE score from the July 2008 administration and my bar scores, I remarked via my facebook status that I was not going to beg the bar examiners for 14 points or ACT for 1 that I was just going to take them. So I approached both exams with a renewed fervor and my desire to succeed paid off with the March 2009 administration of the MPRE as I bested the score I was shooting for by 25 points. Usually, when one gets those types of "signs" their confidence level usually increases tremendously. However, the thing with me is that law school, its exams, and my attempts to become a licensed attorney, have taught me that despite my firm belief that God only answers the prayers of those who do the initial leg work before putting it all in His hands. The past year has humbled me into realizing that HIS will, not mine, will be done. The only problem is in the acceptance portion when the desires of one superseed the expectations of the other and vice versa.

I will not say that I wasn't prepared in July, I just have come to terms with the fact that it simply wasn't my time. Now, i'm faced with the daunting task of waiting to make my next move. And that's the worst part of attempting to gain certification in the legal profession, the wait. I cannot and will not question the will of my father, but I believe that I am ready. I have obtained the education, engaged in the preparation, and did my best on the bar exam. Furthermore, it seems as though everything is falling into place. I've passed the MPRE after 4 attempts, I've succeeded in gaining temporary employment in order to pay my bills, I have a strong possibility that I will be working with people that I trust, doing something I enjoy, and following a plan that I totally agree with, and most importantly my demeanor has been more upbeat lately. I wouldn't quite say that I have reached the plateau of happiness that I am searrching for, but I am damn close.

So if not now, then when? I have had conversations with friends, associates, frat brothers, and random people that I have met where they all express confidence in my abilities in knowing that I have passed this time around but I wonder why I can't feel the same way. As opposed to how I felt in october of last year, I will not say that I think I failed because I honestly do not believe that I did, but that damn "what if" has managed to creep into my thoughts yet again. What if I didn't pass? What if folks were only telling me that they believed in me because it was the right thing to do, not because they genuinely felt in such a manner? What if I have to move back home? What if? WHAT IF?

So i'm saying this now on April 24th, I believe that this is my time, my chance, and I intend to make the most of it. I have done all I could and will accept whatever comes my way the same as always, but it's in God's hands now and I'm okay with that!

It's About That Time

I have been wanting to write in my blog again for the longest. I wanted it to be more like a cyber journal (diary is kinda homo) because I have always looked at how unjudging and welcoming a pen and pad or keyboard and word processor can be as opposed to people. But I guess I'm not totally living my life on the up and up in order to turn my blog into a tell-all. Some of the things i do in my personal life are still no ones business other than my own. But then again, my blog is for my own release so why should I care who I hurt and what people think. I'll do better. But on to my posting for today.

About a month ago I went to see Slumdog Millionaire, a movie that impacted me when I first saw it, but with the turns that my life is encountering I'm really starting to get it. The movie opens with a title card displaying the following message; "Jamal Malik is one question away from winning 20 million rupees. How did he do it? (A) He cheated, (B) He's lucky, (C) He's a genius, (D) It is written." As applied to my life this statement would read;

Kellen Daranda is 12 days from getting one step closer to happiness. How did he do it?

(A) He cheated
(B) He's lucky
(C) He's a genius
(D) It is written

In 12 days I am going to receive my results from my second sitting of the Texas State Bar Examination, and surprisingly I'm not nervous this time around. This is probably largely attributed to the fact that I believe in predestination, and the way everything is happening. This time, I approached the bar without the sense of inferiority I had before, believing that I was sub-par because I had graduated from Texas Southern. I came at it this time around, not looking to prove anything to anyone, but with everything to lose. I came to sit with the strong potential of employment, and with a threat that if I did not pass I would be forced to move back to New Orleans after 6 years of being out my parents house and in essence start all over. As much as I love New Orleans, and yearn to return, I intend to do so on my own terms.

But since that time, I have managed to find me a temporary job, that despite how tedious and boring it is, is still a pay check. INCOME, YAY! In addition to that, I passed the MPRE with a 110, managed to find me a bit of a social life, and have a strong possibility of not being single at the end of summer 09. Maybe its just my time to shine...

So What Are YOU Doing to Change it?

There was one thing that became a blatant eye opener to me from the time I first set foot into the Thurgood Marshall School of Law on the campus of Texas Southern University; a lack of pride. I came to TSU on my own accord among other schools particularly for my own personal need to get away, but also because of the love that I had felt for the five years I spent at Southern. I had been told by many people that all HBCUs have that same sense of comradery like what I experienced at Southern, and I did see it at TSU, well on the undergrad side at least. At TSU I met many different personalities and people that were down for the cause and actually bled maroon and grey. However, once you cross Tierwester, the attitudes of TSU's students change. The comparison between each of the attitudes can actually be seen on blog postings. I would like to offer for review the blog of a former Ms. Texas Southern University (http://savethetigers47.blogspot.com) as compared with an alumni of the law school (http://ibedamn.blogspot.com).

On Save The Tigers, you can see the thoughts of a concerned alumni who expresses the pride that comes with being proud to say that one attended that school. While her blog may stir some people up, she is just expressing her opinion of recent matters that have affected the university and using her blog as the gateway to her expressions. She has not resorted to childish bantering or name-calling when she disagrees with the administration of the university, and shows a maturity level far beyond her years.

Compare that with I Be Damn in which a former law student sits and talks about the current administration of Texas Southern University while neglecting to offer any realtime solutions for the problems that have been experienced. My momma always told me that family business is best when kept in house, but I guess this person was not privy to a similar upbringing because they insist on airing the dirty laundry of TMSL. The person even remarks about TMSL's low bar passage rate, and the dirty looks they receive when they tell others that they were educated at Thurgood for law school. I wonder if they even wanted to go to TSU in the first place?

But such is the beauty of HBCUs in my opinion, they all have their problems just like any PWI, but it is my opinion that if we actually had alumni like most PWIs have, then we would be able to better resolve the issues that alumni have with administration as well as help current students with their plight in receiving their education and the collateral matters that come along with that. I mean damn, I get the same dirty looks when I say that I attended TSU for law school, and I also failed the bar. Does that make me any less of a lawyer? THe time has come for us to stand up and embrace where we went to school, like it or not. Because until people get to know us personally, they will always let our affiliations define us. If you aren't willing to help change it, then you should just politely shut what they call the fuck up!

Love Is...

So after consulting with a few friends during the past week I’ve come to a realization in my own life. I guess its one of those epiphanies that one isn’t expected to have at the tender age of 26, or while one is studying for a particular examination that pretty much dictates how you’re future in the legal profession will pan out. However, those who I have tagged as avid readers of my Facebook notes know that I gain a lot of relaxation from posting to here as well as my blog. So continue to keep me in your prayers for the bar, I’m much more confident this time around in my ability to pass, but allow me this release without any scolding and just open up your mind to some things…

The older I get it the more I realize how well my parents did in my upbringing. Not to toot my own horn or anything like that. But I like how they have instilled in me the same values that they have themselves, and have used their own mistakes as boundaries for me to pursue whatever it is that I desire. It is because of Anthony and Enola that I have the kind of feelings that I do in regards to family, and it is also because of these feelings that I am envious of them. The year 2009 will see the two mentioned above celebrate 29 years of marriage and 36 years of being in each other’s life. At a young age I was determined that my life was supposed to go in a similar manner, but maturity has helped me realize that the means that propels me to such an end is not important, as long as it gets me there.

So in seeing my parents, as much as they may be at each other’s throat, or disagree on the most menial of things, it is refreshing to see two people that are in love after so much time. Which brings me to the point of this note, why is it that my parents have succeeded where so many have failed. And why is it that our generation has failed. If you would look at statistics or talk to an attorney who specializes in divorce and dissolution of property, you can see that in this day and age, greater than 50% of all marriages entered into ultimately fail. My question is “why?” My initial answer is that people are marrying for the wrong reasons.

Many of my friends who have parents and grandparents who are still together will remark that times have changed. However, I am a child of the old school, and I believe that the more things change, the more they remain the same. While it is true that the days of shotgun marriages are over, and that we are free to “move around” after sowing our oats with another and not being pressured into marriage because of a child, how come so many of those marriages have worked when those of free will meet their demise? One would expect that a forced union would not work, however these people faced with the possibility of social rejection frequently made something out of nothing, making the best of things and learning to love a person that they were forced to be with. Despite the initial reasons for their union it became held together by love. Somewhere in our exponential advancement we strayed from the ideology that boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married, boy and girl raise a family. Many of us fail in our relationships and marriages when we think we are in love because we have no idea what love is.

Love is defined by Random House dictionary as: (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; (2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; (3) sexual passion or desire. In an era where many of us have alluded dating to a job interview with its set of prerequisites, desired qualifications, salary requirements and things of that nature, it is of no wonder why marriage statistics are in the uproar that they are presently in. While we can all agree on the first definition given for love, too often we found ourselves gaining that kind of affection for another based upon biased thoughts such as those found in (3). But I think most who search for love and are upset with what they have found in the midst of their search, and have not looked at the comparisons offered in (2).

To me, love is an unwavering feeling in a person toward someone else that is unfaltering and without limit. It means accepting a person as they are, wanting them to do better, but without damage to that feeling if they are unable to change what you would like them to. Its where you put up with all the things about that person that you may not like, however inconvenient they are to you, even though it may affect actions they take, or the things that they may require, the same way we would do for a parent, child, friend, or family. We all can identify with the strange and ridiculous things that our TRUE friends, family, parents, and children do, but we manage to care for them the same, yet when our significant other does something of that magnitude, we usually run for the hills. In similar situations many will remark “you have no say over who’s your family.” But actually you do have a choice to get rid of such people, the reason you don’t is because you love them. (For those of you who have renounced members of your family, I would advise you to seek Jesus.) We don’t turn our backs on those that we love just because it’s convenient to do so. We stay the course, doing what we can to make things work, and if it fails to work out the way we hoped or anticipated, we can have no regrets because we gave it our all. That’s what love is, caring about a person more than we do for ourselves.

For those of you who are unable to find love, I wonder if it’s because you don’t know what love is and find yourself in a false sense of reality with someone based upon material or physical attributes that that person may possess. My advice to you would be to sit down, digest the food for thought that I have given you, and figure out what your definition of love is. If it is similar to the one I have given you, stop being so selfish with matters of the heart. Love as if you’ve never been hurt before, because the only time someone worth your tears will cause you to cry is in an instance where they are crying themselves. That, my friends, is love!