Love Is...

So after consulting with a few friends during the past week I’ve come to a realization in my own life. I guess its one of those epiphanies that one isn’t expected to have at the tender age of 26, or while one is studying for a particular examination that pretty much dictates how you’re future in the legal profession will pan out. However, those who I have tagged as avid readers of my Facebook notes know that I gain a lot of relaxation from posting to here as well as my blog. So continue to keep me in your prayers for the bar, I’m much more confident this time around in my ability to pass, but allow me this release without any scolding and just open up your mind to some things…

The older I get it the more I realize how well my parents did in my upbringing. Not to toot my own horn or anything like that. But I like how they have instilled in me the same values that they have themselves, and have used their own mistakes as boundaries for me to pursue whatever it is that I desire. It is because of Anthony and Enola that I have the kind of feelings that I do in regards to family, and it is also because of these feelings that I am envious of them. The year 2009 will see the two mentioned above celebrate 29 years of marriage and 36 years of being in each other’s life. At a young age I was determined that my life was supposed to go in a similar manner, but maturity has helped me realize that the means that propels me to such an end is not important, as long as it gets me there.

So in seeing my parents, as much as they may be at each other’s throat, or disagree on the most menial of things, it is refreshing to see two people that are in love after so much time. Which brings me to the point of this note, why is it that my parents have succeeded where so many have failed. And why is it that our generation has failed. If you would look at statistics or talk to an attorney who specializes in divorce and dissolution of property, you can see that in this day and age, greater than 50% of all marriages entered into ultimately fail. My question is “why?” My initial answer is that people are marrying for the wrong reasons.

Many of my friends who have parents and grandparents who are still together will remark that times have changed. However, I am a child of the old school, and I believe that the more things change, the more they remain the same. While it is true that the days of shotgun marriages are over, and that we are free to “move around” after sowing our oats with another and not being pressured into marriage because of a child, how come so many of those marriages have worked when those of free will meet their demise? One would expect that a forced union would not work, however these people faced with the possibility of social rejection frequently made something out of nothing, making the best of things and learning to love a person that they were forced to be with. Despite the initial reasons for their union it became held together by love. Somewhere in our exponential advancement we strayed from the ideology that boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl get married, boy and girl raise a family. Many of us fail in our relationships and marriages when we think we are in love because we have no idea what love is.

Love is defined by Random House dictionary as: (1) a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; (2) a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend; (3) sexual passion or desire. In an era where many of us have alluded dating to a job interview with its set of prerequisites, desired qualifications, salary requirements and things of that nature, it is of no wonder why marriage statistics are in the uproar that they are presently in. While we can all agree on the first definition given for love, too often we found ourselves gaining that kind of affection for another based upon biased thoughts such as those found in (3). But I think most who search for love and are upset with what they have found in the midst of their search, and have not looked at the comparisons offered in (2).

To me, love is an unwavering feeling in a person toward someone else that is unfaltering and without limit. It means accepting a person as they are, wanting them to do better, but without damage to that feeling if they are unable to change what you would like them to. Its where you put up with all the things about that person that you may not like, however inconvenient they are to you, even though it may affect actions they take, or the things that they may require, the same way we would do for a parent, child, friend, or family. We all can identify with the strange and ridiculous things that our TRUE friends, family, parents, and children do, but we manage to care for them the same, yet when our significant other does something of that magnitude, we usually run for the hills. In similar situations many will remark “you have no say over who’s your family.” But actually you do have a choice to get rid of such people, the reason you don’t is because you love them. (For those of you who have renounced members of your family, I would advise you to seek Jesus.) We don’t turn our backs on those that we love just because it’s convenient to do so. We stay the course, doing what we can to make things work, and if it fails to work out the way we hoped or anticipated, we can have no regrets because we gave it our all. That’s what love is, caring about a person more than we do for ourselves.

For those of you who are unable to find love, I wonder if it’s because you don’t know what love is and find yourself in a false sense of reality with someone based upon material or physical attributes that that person may possess. My advice to you would be to sit down, digest the food for thought that I have given you, and figure out what your definition of love is. If it is similar to the one I have given you, stop being so selfish with matters of the heart. Love as if you’ve never been hurt before, because the only time someone worth your tears will cause you to cry is in an instance where they are crying themselves. That, my friends, is love!

We've Lost Our Killer Instinct...

On yesterday I checked my email and I noticed a blip on the yahoo news screen about a girls high school team beating their opponent 100-0 in basketball. The story of which can be seen here talks of how the coach of the winning team is feeling remorseful about beating another school by 100 points. However I don't think that he should have to. In a society where we give out participation trophies, and believe that children should never have their feelings hurt, i don't see how people even wonder how America has lost the supremacy it once had 50 years ago. We are too accommodating to people in order to make them feel better about their shitty lives. We have mercy rules, and it seems to be good sportsmanship to let a team have it easy. I remember when I played sports in high school, it was always easier to accept a blow out then a close loss, so I wonder what that does to a child's self-esteem if you don't pad the score. For instance its gentlemanly in professional football to just run the ball late in the game in order to run the clock. But I feel like Bill Belichick, if you can't stop me, then why should I baby you and stop my game plan. Either you should have planned better for the game, or you shouldn't be on the field. Yes, I'm a fan of running up the score, and not taking it easy. Because of people taking it easy, you have idiots on American Idol who really think that they can sing and they they cry their eyes out when the judges tell them that they actually cannot. People need to be pushed to do better, in that respect, competition is healthy. We talk about how bad the education system of this country is, but what's the next step to tell A students not to do so well to make the C/D students feel better? GIVE ME A BREAK!

You Just Do You...

“Niggas fear what they don’t understand, hate what they can’t conqueror, guess that’s just the theory of man.” - Nas

It’s funny how I’ve always been a glutton for compliments but its weird how one can receive the same compliment some 7 years apart and take it in totally opposite ways. Shortly after I became initiated into Kappa Alpha Psi, someone stopped me outside of the Union at Southern to tell me that she was proud of me for not letting Kappa change me. Instead of seeing that she was commending me for remaining true to myself I took offense to the statement responding, “I’ve been me for 19 years, what the fuck was I supposed to become.” However, I think I’ll attribute my crude response to the two I’s that frequently cause us all to shake our heads in disdain at the words that sometimes come out of our mouths; ignorance and immaturity. Now that the fraternity is no longer new to me, I’ve had a hand in bringing in 51 brothers, and was at Southern for a tenure where 81 brothers were made by the Alpha Sigma Chapter, I have seen that everyone is not man enough to define their affiliations. The way I felt, I didn’t need the fraternity to define me, I had already established a satisfactory level of popularity on all the levels that are prominent in undergrad, my classmates regarded me as an intelligent force to either be reckoned with (in the case of my honors classes) or just a smart dude, women considered me cute, and the people that lived in the vicinity of my dormitory saw me as a “cool lil dude.” So I was happy with the identity I had carved out for myself, because it was me. Some remark that college is a chance to start all over and be whoever you want to be, but that’s never been something that I wanted to do, because I’ll always be me. As a result, I took offense to a compliment that only yesterday had me smiling from ear to ear.

David Ruffin was so profound in saying “I’ll never change,” that Sean Carter sampled the same lyrics close to 30 years later, and I feel the same as both of these revolutionary music artists. I have always said that any level of success that one can hope to attain is not worth it if you cannot recognize the person who stares back at you in the mirror. So I’ve lived my life in such a manner, remaining adamant to the statement that one cannot judge a book by its cover. And my devotion to proving others wrong is what has propelled me to be successful when I had been perceived as too hood to be at Franklin, too smart to be at Southern, and a bit too rebellious to conform to the rigorous expectations of a career in the legal field. But I remain cautious as to the folks that I allow to see my true colors. And I guess that’s why my writing is so much of a relaxation, so much from the S.O.U.L. (shameless plug I know), because I don’t have to seek the paper’s approval and the pen is just happy that I’m allowing him to do what he was made to do. I’ve never managed to seek acceptance from not too many people other than my mother, but it bothers me when people just don’t get where I’m coming from. But why should I expect them to, most of the people who were brought up the way I was don’t think in the manner that I do. And most who are on the same echelon with me both intellectually and educationally can’t understand some of my mannerisms and passions. But in the end, that’s just me.

A classmate and friend of mine (because it would be an insult to just put this person in the “associate” category) told me that he enjoys reading my postings because of the passion that exudes from my words and the genuine glances I give people into my mind. He said that he considers me an inspiration because despite what life has thrown at me I manage to remain true to myself and my postings are testament to that. This comes from someone who I was guilty of prejudging when I first met him. I guess it was because there where things about him that just rubbed me the wrong way, and perception can be the kiss of death when you interact with me. However, in getting to know this person better, I have found out that he and I are a lot alike. In the end, we are both going to do what we feel most comfortable doing, and if you don’t like it, then frankly, fuck you! I guess my accelerated maturity has caused me to see the error in my ways in perceiving such a compliment as an insult 7 years prior, but maybe that was due to the fact the original comment came from someone I considered a follower, and not a leader like myself. Jo, I want to thank you for having a wonderful mind and the ability to see the same in others. Your kind words definitely inspired me, and I am thankful. We can’t change the world, but if we remain true to who we are maybe one day people will follow this bold lead and we can do our part to change society in some respects.

I know that I definitely have someone who understands and feels my passion and considers it an inspiration, and in the end that’s enough for me. I’m content with being hated and feared as opposed to loved and respected because I bring truth. So go ahead haters; you just do you, and Imma do me!

I WAS THERE...

Unfortunately for me, a few other million people were able to say the same thing. We who braved an 11 Degree wind chill, and walked for miles around the National Mall to be a part of history will not ever forget the moment when an admittedly black man took the Oath of Office to become the 44th President of the United States of America. I awoke at 4AM on the morning of January 20, 2009 with the fervor of a child who wanted to see what Santa brought him on December 25th. I will admit that I knew of several people who had descended on the District of Columbia just to be in that number. Not the number of those who like myself had to be there to personally witness this event become etched into the history of the United States, but those who came out to kick it in Love, Park, and various other venues, who came out in search of some celebratory joog, or whatever social reason's that their trip to the Nation's Capital was based upon. I despised those folk to the point that I had labeled this historic event as the "Inniggeration." I hoped that I was wrong for thinking that this level would amount to the level of debauchery that has plagued that last few NBA All-Star weekends, and indeed I was. Some of the "E.R.s" were out, dressed as if it was a fashion show, fighting in Love, and more concerned with the sights of seemingly-attractive members of the opposite sex, but that did not destroy the sanctity of January 20th. Besides, I hadn't seen much that caused me to shake my head in disbelief on the shortcomings of my ethnic group, nor did I hear of anything that ruined the spirit of this great event.

Unlike others in attendance at the National Mall, I chose not to remark that "Yes We Did," rather "Yes We Can," because as Obama alluded to in his Inauguration Address, there is still work to be done. However, 43 years after Dr. Martin Luther King addressed a crowd of 250,000, Barack Obama doing the same at the same venue to a crowd several times that size let us know that change indeed has come. Never before had I witnessed an audience of that size, nor have I ever been a part of such a magnitude, but the beauty in seeing many different races, ethnicities, nationalities, and faiths all assembled together has got to be a rush for any human being. And that it was for me. Anytime anyone speaks of Barack's Presidency, whether positive or negative, their first remark will be that he, like many other African-Americans before him, shattered a barrier, and an unmatched feeling will come over my body as I remark simply "I was there when it all happened."

I GOT IT

Its truly amazing how and when things dawn upon you. I have said that I despise living in Houston because of the fakeness of its natives and how they have collectively thrown me into the category of a “typical” New Orleanian. Although I will admit that a lot of my mannerisms, speech patterns, and thoughts are exclusively New Orleans, an overwhelming amount of people in the Houston metropolitan area still manage to believe that such characteristics are less than desirable and I have allowed them to sway my opinion of myself. Well, the past two weeks have allowed me to gain a better understanding of my life in Houston and I think I have it figured out.

To those of you who have read my recent blog postings where I went Kimbo Slice on all of my achievements and personality and extended a phone call, text message, or just stopped me in person to check on me and make sure I was okay, thank you, I am thankful to have you all as friends. The kind words of encouragement and just concern for my well being meant a lot to me and even came from some sources that I would never have expected. Such random acts of kindness coupled with the message I got in church this past Sunday have led me to believe that after 25 years and some change, I’m finally starting to figure parts of this thing called life out.

This Sunday found me in church, a place that I’ll admit I attend more on occasion as opposed to the frequency of my youth or last year in undergrad, but the priest at ST. Mary’s gave a Homily that was right on time and did not fall of deaf ears. Father talked of a conversation he had with one of his seminary classmates in which the classmate inquired as to God’s method of answering prayers. The classmate stated that he asked for wisdom and God gave him more problems to solve, he asked for understanding, and found himself with people who were hard to deal with. Such a statement profoundly affected me because I thought I was the only one who was bewildered by the direct opposites that have come from my own requests.

I’ve asked God for wisdom in my studies and my last two times sitting for the MPRE and the only sitting of the Texas Bar left me with results that were less than desired. I have asked for love and have received more platonic friendships with the opposite sex than I thought were possible. My desire for greatness has left me feeling unfulfilled with my apparent failures, and the search for independence may have me living back with my parents before the end of 2008. Such responses have managed to frustrate the same man who wants to tattoo the phrase “adversity causes some men to break, others to break records” across his back. This same man who regards the 10 and a half weeks of hell on the journey to Phi Nu Pi as what made a man of him at 19 was confused by encountering a series of minor setbacks that were in fact the answers to his prayers.
To my friends who have been concerned with my stability or apparent lack thereof, please don’t worry about me, that’s just my inner spoiled brat coming out and not being accustomed to encountering rejection. I’ve realized this past Sunday that I’m not a failure and that my prayers are definitely being answered. So as I go back to hiding under a rock in preparation for the February bar, pray for me with the same fervor you did in July, this time I’m bringing it home!

My State of the Union Address

My fellow Americans, November 4, 2008 is a date that will live in infamy in the minds of all African-Americans. That, my friends, is the day that Barack Obama, a black man, became elected the 44th President of the United States. This event is something that will serve as this generation of Black Americans’ defining moment. Our parents can remember what they were doing on August 28, 1963 when Dr. Martin Luther King gave his famous “I Have a Dream” speech, or even on April 4, 1968, when King was assassinated, but we’re not going to wish the latter on our President elect. Yes, today (last night) is that day for us where we will all remember where we were and what we were doing when we first learned the news that Obama had gained the necessary electoral votes to officially become THE FIRST black man to be elected as the President of the United States. His rise made me realize that “Change” and “Yes We Can” are more than campaign slogans; they are inspirational words that will also etch November 4, 2008 into the legacy that I am still in the process of building.

Black America, we have to realize that 2008 isn’t really that different from 1963. The ugliness that is racism, whether we choose to believe it or not, still exist in our great nation, and we have the nerve to call ourselves progressive. In a time where we are seeing that anything is truly possible, we cannot afford to sell ourselves short. Society has become so technologically advanced where we can have news correspondents interact with each other via hologram, where we can instantaneously receive news, gossip, and messages, yet a wise man named Alphonse Karr once told us; “the more things change, the more they stay the same.”

If you were following the results as closely as I was, you would have seen the results that I saw at http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/president/. I was disturbed, although not really shocked to see that most of the Confederate South voted Republican. This is why we heard voters express their concerns for the Republican ticket, but say that they would not vote for Obama without giving reason. We all know the reason. I’ve long remarked that being Republican works if you’re rich, but most of the poorer states including my beloved Louisiana, were engrossed in red on those result maps. Let me ask of you CNN, MSNBC, FOX and many other media outlets, if we as a people are that blind to the facts that we would logically reason that only the state of the economy and the war in Iraq were the two major issues in the 2008 Presidential Election, without including race? This is the same election where we have had McCain supporters boo at the mention of Barack Obama during his concession address in Arizona. This is the same election where comments full of the same ignorance and hate as experienced in the 1960s can still be seen on many webpages including FOX’s (http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/11/04/wrap-polls-start-close-frenied-day-voting/comments/). And I’ll refrain from any mention of the Jena 6, Jenarlo Wilson, and many other media circuses that let us know the ways of the South. However, this is the exact same election where many others commented that if Barack Obama were 100% white McCain would have conceded the election weeks ago.

For me, November 4, 2008 was the realization that Kevin Garnett had it right all along in June; “anything is possible.” I am not regarding this date as many in our race may, that this is our free pass to do whatever we like, but I am just as pleased as the next man. Yeah the marchers of the 60s had it right, change has come, but it has indeed come and will continue to do so at a price. And the subjects of my previous postings including Pampy, Jesse Jackson, and Rev. Wright, amongst others, should act accordingly. Responding to comments about my status; “Kellen Daranda J.D. is hoping that Barack Obama becoming the 44th President of the U.S. will not make him say; ‘they should've never gave u niggas a President!’,” I am just as happy as all of you to see Obama in office, I just hope that our people do not choose to “show their color” simply because they can no longer cite “when a Black man becomes President” as their time frame for getting things accomplished. And furthermore, in our quest to check off our objectives, we should realize that nothing will be given to us. In a time frame much shorter than our arrival to this nation we have seen special interests groups such as the gays acquire rights much faster than those of us who have had no choice in what we are. (Hey, these are MY thoughts; I never said I was “politically correct.”) Here we are still waiting on our 40 acres and a mule, and now were supposed to expect that everything will work itself out because we have a black man in office?

The good that I have learned from Barack Obama is that Democracy in America is not overly influenced by improper motives such as race, and because of that is not dead. The niggers, spics, and chinks did not elect Barack Obama, America did. Besides if we look at the ethic makeup of the United States, we will see that the minority ethnic groups combined still do not equal the majority and that Black America is no longer the largest minority group. So we cannot be lead to believe that it’s the Blacks who are on welfare and that it’s the Black male who is in prison instead of college. Maybe now that society has seen a piss poor campaign get the results it should have expected from day one, it will be more willing to lend an ear to our plight. But we cannot just expect it to happen, we have to make it happen, believing that “yes, we can.”

Barack has also shown me that my previous blog posting was all wrong, I should not beat myself up regarding my shortcomings, that’s not disrupting the trend of what I had previously viewed as mediocrity, that is giving up. Despite not being where I want to be physically, mentally, financially, or emotionally, I have to take things one step at a time and see that I do have the testicular fortitude to know that I am able to change things. So what I don’t have a job at the moment, I’ll get one. So what I’m nervous about my bar results, everyone else is just like many have been before us, and many will continue to be after us, despite where they obtained their legal education. So what I’m single, it’s the time for me to fix myself. Today I’ve seen a black man become the first person to do something, being defiant enough to earn acceptance, yet conducive enough to have it given readily. I have seen a vision of my own future, far removed from the rut that I have dug myself into.

I want to thank my friends, family, and fraternity for their words of encouragement in my downward spiral and would like them to welcome back the man that has earned their love and respect. I hope that you all regard November 4, 2008 in the same respect that I do, realizing that change begins with one, and that you too can do it. So today, November 5, 2008 please remember; Carpe Diem, I know I will.

Bittersweet Suicide?

Yesterday was a day that should have echoed with delight in my soul as I cast my vote for the first black candidate for the office of President of the United States, but the joy I experienced in making history was truly short-lived as my own problems began to set in. My own attempt to rectify my financial problems temporarily was set back. I had a credit card with a $5000 limit that I hadn't used in over a year whose limit was reduced to $200 due to inactivity. THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY SAFETY NET! So now I have 8 days to try to find $500 to pay my rent. I've had friends offer to let me hold something, but for some reason, my pride won't let me accept it. I don't know why I'm so proud all of a sudden because I've been letting my parents spoil me rotten for the past 25 years, but for some reason I'm unable to let anyone else help me. I think it's because if I let someone help me I'll be lead to believe that a security blanket will always be there and I'll never get up and go it for myself. My number one fear in life has always been failure, and now I'm starting to realize it.

I'm a shitty boyfriend, a shitty father, a shitty son, and I'll probably be a shitty husband. Friends of mine who read my blog will probably remark that none of the above is true, but let me educate you to a few facts. Do you realize the number of females that I have completely fucked over because I just had to have something "better?" Do you all realize that I don't really do much for my child, not cause I don't want to, but because I can't. Shit, I can't financially support myself, who was I kidding to believe that I'd honestly be able to be a better father than the man who dropped out of school to make sure my mother received her Bachelor of Science. I'm a shitty son because I wanted to be back in Houston instead of at my father's birthday party, and then had the audacity to ask him for money when I couldn't even afford to get him something for his birthday. Then I know I'll make a shitty husband because as I've had several females remark lately, I need to be trained. I'm just a shitty 25 year old little boy.

Some may contend that I should be happy that I voted for change because my financial shortcomings are due to the economic recession that we are in, but when does it become time to stop pointing fingers and look at the source? I've criticized many black Americans for failing to be responsible for their own actions, and I refuse to sugar-coat my own. I have an income of 0, a debt in excess of $115,000, and a little boy that worships the ground I walk on, God help my poor child. How can I look my son in the eye and explain to him that his father is an educated failure???