5 Years in the Making...

I have finally figured out what's up with me and my search to obtain a girlfriend and potentially a wife, my heart still has the initials AMB engraved on it. And that was my gift and my curse. The gift that I had found THAT chick, the woman who looked, acted, and dressed the way I found uber attractive. This same woman who valued family as much as I did and whom I couldn't see my life without. However, fate in the end had the last laugh, and she is no longer as integral of a part of my life as she once once was. Now in my pursuit for something new and something real, I have realized that in order for me to do that I need closure, on this statement so I'll just put everything out there, maybe I'll send her the link to read this, or maybe I'll just send it to her. But she definitely needs to read this...

My beloved Moodie,

There have been countless times when I have attempted to write you this letter where I either could not bring myself to push the "send" button, or ripped up the paper and threw the pieces away, but I think now I have the heart to do it, and face the music. There was a time when all I could do is think of you, when my day wasn't complete until I spoke to you, and I could spend hours looking at the collage I had of us on my bedroom wall. They say that time heals all wounds but five years have passed since the day you told me that my life had no choice but to continue on without you, and I'm still not whole. You were the first woman I opened up to, the first one I could not envision life without. It's just time that I told you everything...

I remember it like it was yesterday, I was by Joseph's house the night before we were going to take a weekend trip to Astroworld and I asked Jennifer to throw me on one of her friends. She asked me what I liked and I told her I wanted something short, light-skinned, thick, with long hair and an attitude, and she proceeded to put me in contact with you. BOY DID SHE GET THAT ONE RIGHT! I remember we spent all night on the phone and I talked to you all that weekend from the ride to Houston, while there, and on the way back. The following weekend I got the chance to see you at the Palace on Manhattan and we saw Scary Movie 2 on the 4th of July and I was singing praises to Jennifer because she had did a great job in hooking me up with what was supposed to be my summer fling. But we managed to be inseparable for the entire summer and I told you that I loved you before the end of July. That was the summer that changed the rest of my life.

Back to school in the fall was cool, we talked, hung out when I came home for the weekends, and we went through a slight downfall when I made line in the spring. But we got right back to business as usual that next summer. It was the next school year that caused us so much trouble. I remember how you wanted to be a Dancing Doll, and wanted to pledge Beta Psi, and remember when you, Ms. Claudia, and some of your friends came to visit Southern on my birthday in 2003. I still have the picture you and I took in Higgins Hall that day. But it was the events that happened soon after that which took the greatest toll on us. I often wonder what would have happened if I wasn't on this big ass kick about being a junior in college and 20 yrs old with an 18yr old girlfriend still in high school. If I would have taken you to the prom, would you have still signed up for the National Guard? If I wouldn't have gotten in that accident and almost died in May, would you have still realized that deep down inside you still love me? What happened to that?

My dear Kreampuff, what happened to us? I remember not being able to get in touch with you in the beginning of 2004 when you were supposed to be shipped off, and crying because I couldn't see you the day before you left. I also remember the joy I felt seeing your name on my caller-id that morning and thinking that u decided to go AWOL for me before I decided to call you back. I remember us going running together daily in an effort to help you lose the weight you needed to go off knowing that you may get shipped to Iraq and I may never see you again. I even remember 1.19.04 to Forever, do you? I remember the letters from Basic (all of which I still have), I remember you sneaking on the phone to call me, I even remember how that summer was filled with me, thinking about you, dreaming of you, and quitting smoking just for you. I remember the look on your face when I was there for your graduation from Basic, how you cried tears of joy and ran into my arms before you even saw your parents because I led you to believe that I wouldn't be able to make it. I remember how proud you were to introduce me to bunkmates, battle buddies, and your commanding officers as your boyfriend who was on his way to law school, and how I was supposed to attend LSU while you were at Southern and how I found us a two-bedroom town house right outside LSU's campus, how I had planned to give you Kennedy Alexis or Kellen Anthony II to ensure the Army wouldn't take you from me.

But then, it became apparent to me how the Army wouldn't get the chance to take you from me, because little Miss Moodie would do it by herself. During your stint in AIT, the phone calls slowed, you were too busy for me, I even had to harass you to be there for me when I got my results from the LSAT, and you didn't even find out about how well I did until the day after. I did my part, I got into law school, I found us a spot, all I needed was you. I even remember sitting in my car crying after the disappointing results from the Southern University 2004 Homecoming Greek Show, when I found out that the love of my life was home, but didn't want me to come see her. That she was breaking up with me, and my life was now in shambles. So I did what anybody else who was not used to pain would do, I ran. I decided to go to Texas to pursue my legal career, in an attempt to forget about you, and bury the pain deep inside hoping another would never do me like that and start over. How could the one I gave my heart to treat me so cold?

But your memory remained. I remember adding you to my list of worry in my first semester of law school as I watched the horror Katrina inflicted on our beloved New Orleans. I remember the fear I had knowing you were still down there with your unit, I remember praying for your safety daily when I learned you were in the Superdome, and I remember the joy I felt everytime I got the chance to hear your voice and know that you were okay. I had a girlfriend my first year of law school and I remember breaking up with her because I told her that I had mentally cheated on her during Homecoming 2005 when we danced the entire night at the Kappa party, how we spent most of the morning talking in my car, and how I kissed you goodbye at your post in Baton Rouge. I remember helping you with your Blackboard assignments while you were at SUNO, and how I just wished you would realize that I would do anything for you and would take you back like nothing had ever happened, but all this was for naught. I remember seeing you in the House of Blues sometime in 2006 and crying on the walk back to my car while Mark wrapped his arm around me because it was then that I thought I had finally come to grips with the fact that you and I were just not meant to be. But later that year, specifically the Halloween party at Metro, I remember seeing you and how everything I once felt for you came back. I remember how you told me that you were jealous of Erica because she had my first-born, something that you wanted to give me, and how I tried in vain to explain to you that you were the one who fucked that up, and while you couldn't give me my first-born, we can still spend the rest of our lives together. But what you don't know is how intimidated Erica is by you. How she was mad at me when I told her on January 19, 2004 that I couldn't see her anymore because you and I were going to make things work, and we were going to get married and see forever together. She and I only started kicking it again once you left me. Do you realize that she went through my camera and deleted the picture that you and I took in Metro that night, and also deleted the picture from my computer? She knew that she couldn't compete with you and despite how bad she wanted me, she could never have me as long as I still had AMB engraved on my heart. Its funny how you never saw that but the mother of my son did.

In the 8 years I have been knowing you, no one has ever been able to hold a candle to you. You are my version of perfection, and although I like to tell people that perfection shitted on me, I would take you back without any hesitation, even if it meant that you would be living in New Orleans, while I was in Houston. I can't be mad at you because you cheated on me, hell, before January 19, 2004, I cheated on you, a lot. I don't know if you knew that or not but I had to come clean. I also need to come clean on a lot of other shit; I still have every letter that you have ever sent to me, and every picture that we have ever taken (aside from the ones I gave you that ol boy destroyed), I still even have the bee you gave me in 2001 from when you were the bee at Prep. I still hold that Coach heart keychain you gave to me before you left as one of my dearest possessions, and its still on my keys, the same place it has been since 2004 because I feel like if I have your heart, you can't get rid of me. But maybe if you give me my heart back I can give you yours. Kreampuff, I love you, I loved you when I was 18 years old, and I still love you at 26, nothing has changed, however, I need closure with this and stop holding on to a future that may never be. I never envisioned life without you, but in the 5 years that I have spent without you, I have been nothing less than unhappy. I can't seem to find happiness in a relationship because I think everyone will leave me, but I hold none of that against you. As I stated earlier, I would take you back in a heartbeat like only a few months have passed rather than a few years. I can't stop smoking those cigarettes that you hate because they are always there for me when I need them. I just wanna smile for real again. The only thing in my world that makes me happy is Kaiden, everything is disappointment. I need to be happy again, and I wish you were the one to make me feel that way. However, in the event that you are unwilling to try again with me, please let me know so that I can finally move on. I tell B Carroll, Erin, and Tracey everytime I see them how much I miss you, I always ask about you, and I ask them to hook me up with you relentlessly, but now its time for me to express all this to you. I'm a big boy so please don't worry about hurting my feelings anymore than you already have, just give me a response to what I told you, and in the event that you feel our history was just a dumb mistake, let me know so I can proceed with life and give my all to another, and we can possibly be friends one day.

Yours, but not always anymore,

Fatbutt

Adventures in the Life...

I don't know what's worse a self-confident black man, a lawyer, or the combination of both. My partners and I walk with an arrogance that plays Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothing" as a theme-song to our entrance, and as a result we act like it. Monday was proof of that. Maybe I'm being too hard on my colleagues and I, maybe it's just society. For some unknown reason, maybe a well-dressed black man is held to a higher standard, the upper echelon if you will, making him unable to be a commoner. Such was evident in the photo of Barack Obama that had been posted over the news media in recent weeks...
Now, this picture has been the topic of several discussions amongst my friends, colleagues, associates, and co-workers, some of which have went to bat for the President of the United States, defending him tooth and nail. However, I won't give Mr. President that much credit. I mean, look at the photo carefully, specifically the ass at which the President is said to be oogling. I mean, it is a nice ass, isn't it? But with that being said, people need to realize that the first black President of the United States is still a man. A black man at that, whom society knows has an affinity for fat asses, shit, it's in our nature. But the man is not a deity, and people should realize that at the end of the day, he still starts off the day by taking a piss and hopefully washing his hands. Which brings me to a nice transition into the point of this posting; is it a crime to look?

On Tuesday, my partners and I decided for a change of pace for lunch and actually did brunch at IHOP. Well IHOP was great, I had a good Big Steak Omelette, but before I could even jump into my Omelette, the drama started in IHOP. Now I don't know how many people have actually eaten at IHOP at 2:00PM on a Tueday, but it's pretty much like a ghost-town. One of my partners brings everyone's attention to a woman who had on a pair of jeans that were too loose in the waist and had on a pair of granny panties with her ass crack hanging out, believe me, it wasn't a pretty picture. So after I threw up in my mouth I hear a woman in the party of about twelve to our right say "that was inappropriate" rather loudly. When we look in her direction she remarks, "yeah, I'm talking to yall." But we have learned that in our profession that it is egregious to let ignorance beget further ignorance, so we ignore the commentary and proceed back to our conversation. Now after the rather large party finishes their food and gets ready to leave, this same woman approaches our table to have a word with us, and that's where the drama picked up. The woman compliments our style of dress and how nice we looked but takes it upon herself to let us know that we should not have been looking at the woman's ass with her husband next to her and that we should be lucky that she was talking to us because the husband would not have been as receptive. The woman further goes on to ostracize us quoting the scriptures on something about lust or whatever but I ignored it because I was honestly repulsed by the sight of that ass. She also asked that if we were married, we would probably feel the same about someone looking at our wife's ass, but the men I was with, and myself included feel that when a man looks at your woman, its a compliment, besides, he has eyes, that's what they're for.

Then I got to thinking, so what if the husband would have jumped fly, what would that solve? What if we were all dressed in white tees and when she started with her ignorance we responded with further ignorance? Why is a powerful man expected to not be a man, and why must people always attempt to take any potential chance they have in an attempt to belittle him? And is looking really that bad? I need some help on this one...

Worthless?

I really wish that it was possible to drive and type at the same time. The kind of self-reflection sessions I have in the 5 hrs that it takes me to get to New Orleans from Houston and the 5 hrs back are my time to do nothing but think. I put my Ipod on random and pretty much listen to whatever comes on, but I think. I take the time to chill out and put my worrisome soul at ease in spite of what's going on but when I reach New Orleans or Houston, I no longer have the words to bring my thoughts to a tangible medium for later reflection. I think that's my problem, despite being a "social butterfly" on the outside, I am hesitant to let people get to know the real me. I think that's why I started a blog, to post my thoughts and not be afraid of what people may think. Sure I post my controversial thoughts about things that have happened in the world on Facebook and sometimes get pissed when I reach the tag limit, because I want the world to know how brilliant I can be, but at the same time I am ashamed of the thoughts that I have that make me feel human, that my career, my status as a man, and my relationship status are not where I envisioned them to be.

I remarked sometime ago that I thought law school was a mistake because all I see is debt and don't really see these doors that were promised to me were hesitant to open up. Funny thing is that even though I have passed the bar, I am a partner in my own firm, and the "dream" is now reality, I still don't consider myself a success. I never looked at private practice in law school, that was Earl's dream, but here I am doing this, all because someone believed in me. Quinon has become someone I truly admire and aspire to be like. I look at him less as a partner but more as a mentor or that big brother I never had. He encourages me to do my best and pushes me further when I think I have nothing less. I guess that's what I missed out on in my childhood. I have nothing against my parents but I can't recall too many times hearing them tell me how proud they were of me. Maybe my self-motivation kept them from pushing me because no one in the world is as hard on me as I am, but it sure would feel good to know that someone is proud of me. I guess that's why I'm so cocky because nothing was ever that difficult for me, so doubt is something that is a new feeling for me, one that I'm not too fond of, and hate to see it rear its ugly head around when I'm trying to make some things happen. I wish I knew how to be as confident as everyone expects me to be but I'm lost. The real world is scary and I wish I could just go back to being a student where nothing was that difficult and everything pretty much happened the way I anticipated them to. In this world, I'm not guaranteed a check, and I'm scared of failing.

My dad always told me that scared shouldn't be in a man's vocabulary, but that's what I am at 26, scared. I struggle with looking my father in the eye because I don't feel like I match up to him. The man that put his wife through school her last year at the age of 22 has a son who is four years older than he when he did that and can't take care of himself let alone the child he brought into this world. But I don't tell him any of these things because I know that I wouldn't be the man he raised me to be. So that's how I've been all my life, trying to be more than what I am and keeping things inside because I'm scared to not live up to expectations or to have anyone ridicule me. But who am I kidding, I'm intimidated by anyone over 5'7" and look at men with nice physiques as why can't that be me. I'm secretly jealous of my friends who are making a name for themselves and are being the fathers that I cannot be. Man? Me? HA! I've tried to listen to my mother and friends when they tell me that Erica is crazy because every time we talk about Kaiden, she makes it out to be a monetary issue. I do have a lot of free time and could potentially get a part-time job, but in this economy, where could I work? I've far too long let people convince me that the truth is not what it seems to be, but now I need to listen to what's right. Despite Erica's motives, despite the economy, despite the money she makes, or her own living situation, she's right, I'm not picking up my end of the slack when it comes to Kaiden. I say all the time that my son is my world, but I haven't given Erica any money in the longest, not because I don't want to, but because I can't, and that makes me a little boy. Fuck all the time I spend with my child, fuck how he feels, I can't really look myself in the eye anymore, I want to cry but I'm not even man enough to do that.

So since I'm short, fat, not in touch with my emotions, and a little boy, why am I surprised that I can't find the right woman? I envisioned being married at this time and now I'll be lucky if it happens before 30, if at all. I had perfection and perfection shitted on me, but I'd still take her back in a heartbeat. Ashley Michelle Boult still has my heart and I keep hoping, wishing, and praying she comes back, but why would she ever want me with all of my faults as described above? So I try to move on and find someone that in spite of their flaws is good for me. I think I've found that, but I'm scared that I'll just fuck that up to same as everything else in my life. So I just keep on keeping on, hoping that one day I'll be able to release and let go and move on, but it doesn't seem like today is that day, anyway, thanks for listening...

The Life of an Attorney

So I've had several facebook updates regarding the distaste in my mouth from the mentioning of the word "Essence" this weekend. References to Bourbon Street, Port-of-Call, Hand Grenades, Po-Boys, LePhare, NV, Metro, Beignets, and anything New Orleans caused me to regurgitate in my mouth. While everyone was enjoying one of the greatest tourist destinations of the world, I was stuck in Texas, preparing for a trial that wouldn't happen. From May 29th, I watched a dreaded day in court turn into a winnable endeavor. I had got with my partner and went over the case top to bottom working out our strategy and excited about the fact that we would get our first felony trial to jury before we had been practicing for a year, and might be able to win.

We arrived in court and asked the coordinator where we were on the trial docket, where she in turn told us to approach the judge to find out. The judge was unable to garner a response and had the state also approach at which time we learned that our opposing counsel was out on a family emergency, but that somebody else could potentially be found or if not the ADA at the bench with us, would be our opposing counsel today. Great, she doesn't know much about the case, none of the witnesses the state intended to call were subpoenaed, so there was no way we could lose. However, in an attempt not to piss off the judge, appear as gentlemen, and knowing that the case would probably carry over, we told the judge that defense counsel was ready, but due to the unforseen circumstances, we would not object to the court carrying over this cause. The judge asked if the state had offered anything to which the ADA replied 2 years TDC and her honor then instructs us to inform our client of the offer.

Our client then shoots down the offer, and we reapproach to inform the judge. The judge then asks for the facts of the case to which we respond, basically giving our trial issues and contentions. She then asks if our client would be open to a PSI with no agreed recommendation and although the client had denied it a month before we still had to tell her of the offer ethically. When informed of this deal and the consequences of it, our client jumps on the offer like a hungry dog at a steak hanging off the grill. THE STATE OF TEXAS BAMBOOZED OUR CLIENT OUT OF TRIAL WITH THE HELP OF A JUDGE BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT READY! I can't believe this and I am so pissed off now...*sigh* the life of an attorney!

Certainly Not Me!

Based upon recent conversations I'm beginning to have I think that I may be some sort of a relationship expert. It seems as if a lot of my friends have been coming to me for advice lately based on some of my blog postings and facebook notes, claiming that I may have "this shit" figured out. But the funny part to me is that I'm miserable. Shouldn't the relationship expert be the one who is happily involved or at least single and waiting? (I guess those who know me know that I'm not partial to waiting) Funny part is that I have a couple of potentials, but nothing that would have me faithful. I guess that's my fault, I think to much in theory. In theory, everything works out as expected. In theory, I meet a woman who stimulates my eye, we have a brief conversation, we exchange numbers, she gives me the right number, and we depart. The next day, I call her to break the ice, she's a little preoccupied so she promises to call me back, and later in the evening, she follows through. We talk about everything and she, being the lady she is makes me wait for it and court her but she still shows interest, not allowing text messages to be our primary means of communication. She isn't holding any dark secrets and saying "hey, this is me, hate it or love it." When we do take it there, the sex is amazing, bone chilling, toe-curling, and incomparable to anything I've experienced previously. She isn't needy of all my time, but demands that she cross my mind daily, and let her know...but again, that is all theory. My problems is that all the women that I want don't want me back, and all the women that want me make me feel as though I could do better. So how do I become this so-called expert if I can't make this shit work for me. How would I look being that kind of loser. I just wanna find love, the same like my parents have. Im just rambling, thanks for listening...